Sasuke's Journal, don't read, don't touch
by bellabambina248
Summary: Private. Itachi, don't you dare read my Journal!
1. Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I suspect Itachi is up to something. Today, I came home to find a diary, or according to him a 'Journal', waiting for me on my bed. He even had my initials embossed onto it. I questioned him about it, and apparently all great minds should document there lives incase they ever publish a biography. As if I'd ever fall for his ass-kissing ruses, and let them distract me from his true intentions. If you ask me, it is only a scheme for him to swindle my private thoughts out of me. Or perhaps he just wants me to drive crazy with paranoia. I hate him. Itachi if you are reading this somehow, I hate you. And how did you get into my dorm room?!

It is true somehow though; I have to document my thoughts. I bought myself a new daybook. It's small enough to fit in my pocket so it'll always be with me. I can't risk someone else finding it after all. God forbid father finds it! On this note, I have to go to yet another one of his events today. A political family comes with so many obligations; but it is not like I was the one who voted for him to be the governor. I can't go anywhere without having eyes on me.

Anyway, today Naruto, a crazy blond guy I know from class, left me a love note on my desk. Actually, it was more of a page out of death note in which he wrote my name repeatedly, but I've taken psychology 101; he loves me. I don't think I'm being smug when I say that. He obsesses about me. He stares at me during classes. He enrolls himself in the same courses each year. I would have thought it was just puppy-love if we were still in high school, but we are seniors in college for god's sake; it passed the point of crushing and entered the territory of stalking a long time ago. And YET, he is still pretending to be straight and to date that pink-head. If he is trying to make me jealous, he should at least try to choose a girl who doesn't look like a bubble gun wrapper. I'll never understand how this orange fly has an IQ of 175.

After class, I confronted him about the note, telling him that hazing me in such childish ways was just as retarded as he is. Suddenly he twisted my words, and began lecturing me about 'politically correct language' and threatened to let the media know that I use words such as 'retarded'. So I spilled my coffee on his pants. It was childish, I know. But I really wanted to do it. I really did. More than anything in the world. I expect he will retaliate tomorrow.


	2. Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Today I had the final exam for my summer course. I should be leaving the dorm in a couple of days, but honestly, I don't want to go back home to my parents. I had taken the course specifically to avoid going home, but I guess it was inevitable after all. Without asking, Itachi asked if I would like to move into his place; not just for the summer too. It's quite close to the campus, but Itachi… As I said, he's planning something. I can't figure what yet, but soon enough…

Smother (I feel guilty just writing it down, but the label couldn't fit her more perfectly) sent me some Arab food she cooked. I looked the dish up online, and it should be a different color than the goo my mom scrambled. I bet she messed a dish up, and just called it "Arab" so she could blame the taste on its exoticness, just like she used to burn the bread and tell me that's how they eat it in Africa when I was a child.

Anyway, I thought I should invite Naruto over to eat my mom's dish. I wanted to watch his face as he tasted the stuff. Hahaha. Sadly, I didn't know how to invite him without sounding suspicious.

Speaking of Naruto, he didn't even glance at me today during the exam. I thought he would surely retaliate, but I guess he was too caught up with the final. After it was done, I followed him to the library (he uses his computer there, probably because of the faster internet connection). I pretended to read a book, while keeping an eye on him. I knew he knew I was there, and still said nothing, did nothing. I hate being ignored. He could've said _something_ since it was the last time we'll see each other before the next semester starts.

Anyway, as I was watching him, suddenly the brunette guy whose always with his dog (I think he's name is Kiba or something) sat in front of me. All of a sudden, he's telling me to stop obsessing about Naruto. How dare he?! First of all, Naruto is the one obsessing about me. Not the opposite. Secondly, it is none of his business. It went like this:

"Buddy, you better stop stalking my friend there," he pointed at Naruto. "I've seen you spill your coffee on him yesterday, and I know it was on purpose. I've also seen you stare at him during class, follow him into the library like you're doing now, and even wait outside his dorm in the morning. Stop trying to attract his attention. He's not into you. Get it over it, and don't embarrass yourself."

"Honestly, dog breath, I don't want to humor you because it is obviously none of your business. But still, I think you are talking to the wrong person. You're friend has been leaving me messages-"

"Imaginary messages, beautiful mind? Do aliens talks to you too? Secret agents?"

By this point, I was ready to punch him in the face, but I held back my anger. Plus, I really like John Nash anyway.

"Go away." I knew I could not reason with someone like him. "Plus, even if I'm stalking him, which I'm not and it is idiotic that you are even suggesting it, today was the last day of classes. So, we won't see each other until next semester, and hopefully we won't have classes in common."

"I bet you'll 'coincidently' be enrolled in all of his classes, like how you 'coincidently' were for the last couple of semesters."

"Perhaps because we have the same faculty advisor and the same major? Plus, Didn't it ever occur to you that maybe he is the one stalking me," I jolted my head towards Naruto and saw him squinting at me. I looked back at Kiba for a second and then back at Naruto, and he was gone. That boy is challenging me!

"Naruto Uzumaki?" he chuckled as if I was speaking in tongues. Yes, Naruto is popular, filthy rich, good looking and a genius (supposedly), but I am Sasuke Uchiha. He has nothing on me. "Keep dreaming, buddy."

He got up and just walked away. I wanted to chase after him, and give him a piece of my mind, but I had noticed people were starting to stare, so I remained silent. Tomorrow, I'll confront that blond idiot. How dare he go around telling people I stalk him?!


	3. Thursday, August 16, 2012

Wednesday, August 16, 2012

I waited all night yesterday outside that dumb bastard's dorm and he never walked out. I didn't even hear his voice. Usually, I can hear his piercing accent thunder out of his dorm room and into the parking as I sit in my car (not that I go there for him or anything. I just like parking in that spot to study). Anyway, no even a single "Believe it"! Who does he think he is, making me wait for him?!

Anyway I was fed up. I rolled up my sleeve and just about dashed towards his room. Turns out he already left for his home right after class. Just like that. How am I supposed to confront him now?

I did some investigating but most people seemed wary of me. They didn't want to share his address, but I contacted a business friend of my father (in other words, a private detective) and he emailed me all the details one hour ago.

I've already gotten dressed, and I'm on my way there right now.

6:00 pm

I, now, have a restraining order against me. Me! Sasuke Uchiha!

I went there, stood by the gate, talked into his fucking intercom, and asked for him to come out. But apparently I'm 'dangerous', and 'highly unstable'. My stalker accused me of being "unstable"!

Anyway, father has scheduled me for an "interview" with a therapist, after a long lecture on how I had put him into a bad position politically considering that the next elections were just around the corner. My mother kept crying. If I am insane, it's only because of her cooking! Anyway, perhaps my meeting with the therapist will put their doubts to rest and convince them that Naruto is the obsessive one and not I.

I'm on his facebook profile right now. As soon as I'm finished gathering my thoughts, I'm going to sent him-

Wait…

I saw his baby picture. He's so adorable. I can't stop looking at him. He was the sweetest baby ever. What happened? I wonder if he'll get a notification if I download this photo.

8:00 pm

I just discovered that my mother is Naruto's friend on there. When did she discover facebook? And why does she have more friends than me!

8:06 pm

I received an message from Naruto. He's apologizing for escalating things this morning, and saying that he didn't think his father was going to actually pressure him into getting a restraining order against me.

Should I write back cussing him? No maybe I should be courteous… He's apologizing after all.

I'll write it tomorrow. Itachi is on his way here to give me yet another lecture. Why can't he be like normal older brothers and not care about me unless its thanksgiving and we're shouting at each other across the table?


	4. Friday, August 17, 2012

Friday, August 17, 2012

This morning, I wrote back to Naruto suggesting we meet and talk it out face to face. I mentioned a ramen restaurant that I know in order to tempt him, but apparently he is fasting in order to know how it feels for Muslims, and I'm a "bastard for tempting him". He then said something about stereotypes and walking a mile in other's shoes. It sounded very typical of him (He was a vegan for two weeks in our freshman year, lived for a week on the streets to learn to sympathize with homeless people, etc.) I remember him wearing high heels to a class presentation before, in order to make a point about the "vanity of society when it comes to beauty ideals, and the measures women take to conform".

Anyhow, we met for dinner, or "Ifar" according to him. I spent the first seventy minutes watching him devour everything on the menu, as well as my plate, and the mentos I had in my pocket. Afterwards, he collapsed on the ground because of indigestion (obviously, who wouldn't get heartburn after stuffing his face like a pig!) I then spent thirty minutes waiting for him in front of the bathroom door and trying to keep people from knocking on it, because he has a "shy bladder". Then, when I was finally about to confront him, he dragged me to a strip club to support "Candy", who he met at a group "that I'm not supposed to ask about", at her first day back to work after giving birth.

So finally after having a vagina in my face for another hour, he decided to walk me home. By this point, I was sort of fed up, not that the day wasn't enjoyable in an uncommon way. But I had things to be said, so suddenly they began flowing out of my mouth.

"I know you've been telling people I am stalking you," I confronted him.

"You _are_ stalking me," he shook his shoulders as if it was common knowledge.

"Is that so?! Well, I think I'm the one being stalked!"

"Sasuke," he took sucked on a lollipop he had made me buy him earlier. "I think sexuality is not black and white, and that we are all bisexual in some way or another, but… how can I say this… I'm straight when it comes to you."

"That doesn't make any sense, idiot."

"Well, _bastard, _I don't like guys like you, and I have a girlfriend."

"Guys like me?"

"Yes, guys who live in their own bubble. Everyone is scared to approach you."

"That's not true. I have many friends."

"Maybe, but I didn't see any," he said. "This is not the type of guy I'd have a crush on."

"And how do I know you are not lying just to throw me off."

"Why would I lie? If I wanted to be with you, I would be with you. I wouldn't have to stalk you."

Was he serious?! Was he really fucking serious?! I was about to blow steam out of my ears. "Are you saying I'm easy?! Just so you know, I would never be with someone like you, and you should brush your hair every once in a while."

"I'm not saying you're easy in general, I'm saying you're easy when it comes to me. Why? Because you've been stalking me since forever, and waiting outside my dorm in your car, and friending my brother on facebook even though he is nine, and changing your major to mine, and spilling your coffee on me. Not once but seven times. You have spilled your coffee on me seven times, and you always stare at my crouch afterwards. Every time I try to hint that you should stop, you spilled your coffee on me again. My balls are always sore because of you. Plus, it is not normal to trip someone in the shower at the gym or steal his underwear."

"It was a prank-"

"You haven't returned any of them yet. I would like my used boxers back please. I'm running out of boxers to wear. I've started to go commando because of you. This is not pranking. Believe me; I know what pranking is."

I kept my jaws shut, biting down too much, that I still feel sore. How dare he accuse me of these things?! He started it!

"How about the time you left me a message with my name written over and over, or the time you locked me-"

"That was a threat. I was trying to get you to stop."

"You're obviously delusional."

"Sasuke, you are a great guy. You'll make some guy really happy one day. But he's not me. And just a word of advice; if you like someone, just walk up to them and ask them out. If they say No, then they are not for you. But honestly, with your looks, many guys would love to go out with you. You are the kind of pretty that would make most people ignore that fact that you are crazy for at least ten dates. By then they'll be in to deep."

That was it! I stormed off. He's a loud-mouthed, irritating, blond who doesn't know when to shut up. He talks too much. He talks too fast. He's idealistic and out of his mind, and I hate him. I hope I never see him again. Why would he go out with me if he thought I was a maniac?! You know what, I'm not going to bother defending myself in front of him. I won't even think about it or him again starting now.

Still, he did look very cute in his baby photo. Doesn't matter, I hate him.


	5. Saturday, August 18, 2012

Saturday, August 18, 2012

I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since yesterday. The more I vow to get him out of my thoughts, the more I think about him. I guess he has really struck a nerve. He is so irritating. I couldn't even sleep last night. It's painful.

My brother was here today. My mother called him. She told him I was acting strange. She tried to keep it from me, but I could hear her whispering on the phone. Anyway, he wanted me to go with him on a double date. What could be more pathetic than having your brother set you up?!

I refused, so he suggested I just hang out with him and his friends. I refused, so he suggested we just hang out together, and his friends will just drop by. I stormed off, so he followed me into my room. So I escaped to the bathroom, so he waited outside. After waiting for thirty minutes, he began to talk to me through the bathroom door about random topics. Apparently, topics like what the best new movie is couldn't wait until I stop shitting (although I was just reading a magazine in there). I can't take it anymore. People should stop trying to fix me. I'm not broken! I'm just upset. I have the right to be upset.

Regardless, as for Naruto, something doesn't seem right. I know I'm not imagining that he is stalking me. I might be many things, but I'm not delusional. Even if I had been pestering him, it wasn't one-way. In fact, now that I think of it, he had done many things to provoke me and get my attention. For instance:

1- He created a whole presentation about my family's politicians (basically accusing all of them of being pricks who only care about large business. I can't disagree with that.) He presented his case knowing that I was in the same class. He even kept looking me in the eye through out.

2- He led a demonstration against my father, and invited me to the group on facebook.

3- In our film class elective, he choose me as a partner. I remember clearly, he was the one who sat next to me and asked if we can be in the same group. He used to call me over the trivial stuff after mid-night, and just to fight with me. That was three semesters ago.

4- He was the one who friended me on facebook.

5- He went to Halloween party dressed as me. He said it wasn't me, and that he was just trying to dress "uptight", but everyone knows he was trying to copy me. Why else would he style his hair like me? It's not a common style.

6- If he really hates how I steal his underwear to tease him, why haven't he changed his lock combination at the gym?

My conclusion is, he is trying to drive me insane. He wants me to think I'm the one who is stalking him, but in fact he is the one who is stalking me. Everything I have done to him was in response to something he did. Maybe, I've been playing into his plan just like he wanted.

I think the therapist can help me understand the ramen that is Naruto's brain. I am meeting him after hours at his practice. My dad arranged it so no one would see me going in or coming out of the building.

I hope he doesn't turn out crazy.

Note: I printed out Naruto's photo. I think I'll keep it in my journal from now on.


	6. Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sunday, August 19, 2012

I listened to "It's a trick of moon light" for two hours straight today. My mom kept commenting how this not how I should be spending my Sunday, but I was perfectly happy with simply unwinding. It seems that everything in life has to be done up to a certain standard. For once, I would like to live my life my own way, even if I just flush it down the toilet…

The therapist, Kakashi, wasn't crazy, thankfully. He was a pervert through. He kept pretending to write stuff down on his notebook, but as I was leaving I pretended to go back and pick something else, and noticed that he had been reading an erotic book all along. I would have confronted him about it, but I didn't want to alientate him before he talks to my father about me.

Honestly, I couldn't feel frank with him like someone should with their therapist. I know all about patient confidentiality, but my father is a powerful man. He is accustomed to getting what he wants. I think he sensed my anxiety, and kept repeating that I should feel at ease, and under no circumstances was he going to divulge any information about me to my father. But my child-therapist said exactly the same words, and it turned out he taped all our sessions for my father.

We talked about Naruto. He agreed that Naruto might be sending me mixed signals, but he also said that I might just be seeing things that weren't there. Apparently, he thinks I'm stalking Naruto, and Naruto might just be poking me because he enjoys the attention. I don't believe I'm stalking Naruto. I don't have a shrine with his photos or something… except for his baby photo. But, baby photos don't count, do they? Yes, he still has the same wide blue eyes with the green freckles, but… Okay, maybe I notice him more than others. But he is orange and loud and- it is hard to miss him when he's just there screaming look at me. Yes, Kakashi is right; Naruto feeds off attention. Why else would he be over the top with everything he does? He always picks the most controversial topics for his projects, he always butts in whenever there is an argument, and he always demonstrates. I'm not saying he doesn't believe in the causes he demonstrates for, but he always tries to make the biggest noise he can. The visit with Kakashi is revealing, but I still don't trust him.

On another note, I have devised a plan. I'm going to completely ignore Naruto. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of being my center of attention anymore. According to Kakashi, if Naruto is really an attention whore (he used the exact words, by the way), he'll up his game to get me to notice him. I think that might finally get people to see his true face.

Still, it's hard to ignore him when he lives an hour away. Ironically, I have to go out of my way to do it. So, I told Itachi that I'll agree to go out with him this once, but only if we go to the ramen restaurant down town. Naruto will definitely be there on a Sunday. I told him he could bring his friends too. I could see the shock and the questions in Itachi's eyes, but he gladly kept them to himself.

11:55 pm

I was spot on. Naruto walked in at exactly seven with a few friends. Immediately, I felt him notice me, but I pretended not to see him.

After about thirty minutes of being the loudest person in the restaurant, I was pretty should he got the point that I was ignoring him and not just too obvious to notice that he was there. You basically had to be deaf and blind not to see him there. He then up-ed his game, and began to help the waiters serve. If he was any other person, he would have been thrown out, but I think his father's company owns the restaurant. I still didn't give him any response. So as we were leaving, he suddenly shouted "Sasuke, is that you?! I didn't see you there."

I smiled at him politely and nodded. Nothing more. He came and began to introduce himself to my brother and his friends, meanwhile dropping some insults my way. I was boiling inside, but thankfully kept a cool composure. I didn't even retort, but just opt to leave.

Now that I've seen the results, Kakashi is a genius. A perverted genius. I don't think he had meant for me to actually act on his observations and comments, but I did, and it was awesome! Naruto might have as well begged for my attentiveness.

Just now, after Itachi was done dropping off his friends (Aka. Leeches), he asked me if I had known Naruto was there. He also asked if it had been my intention all along. I denied it, but he seemed somewhat upset. He said, "It's your life Sasuke, but I don't appreciate you using me in your self-destructive ploys. I don't want to be a part of something that pulls you back."

I didn't say anything. It was a win win, wasn't it? He got to take me out and pretend to be the good son in front of my father, and I got to see Naruto. I don't get why he is complaining. He got what he wanted.

Oh, I almost forgot, out of Itachi's friends, only one guy was the same age as me. I think he was trying to set me up. He is a foreigner, but his Japanese is pretty good especially his Konoha dialect. He kept talking about himself, but I wasn't very attentive. He wasn't half bad-looking though, I noticed that. His hair was black, except for his bangs, which were dyed blond.

12:20

We are about to arrive home. I confronted Itachi. I told him he was trying to set me up with someone even after I had insisted that he doesn't. He said that he thought that I might like Deidara since he's a blond with blue eyes. Apparently he thought Deidara was my "type". He wasn't setting me up with the other guy after all.


	7. Monday, August 20, 2012

Monday, August 20, 2012

I'm so sleepy; I can hardly open my eyes. I've been chatting on facebook with Kevin, the guy with the black blond bangs from yesterday, for five hours straight now. I even ate in front of the laptop. He sent me a friend request as soon as he got home after hanging out yesterday.

Naruto was online, but I didn't say hi. I wouldn't say hi even if I weren't ignoring him. About an two hours ago, he messaged me asking if I was still upset because of what he said when he was walking me home. I told him its water under the bridge and that I have other things to think about. Obviously, I still care, but he doesn't need to know that.

I didn't say anything afterwards. Fifteen minutes later, he writes "I'm still sorry I was so harsh with my words."

I waited twenty minutes before replying, "It's okay."

He then asked, "Are you watching something?"

"Just chatting."

"Did you finally make a friend? Congrats."

I ignored him for twenty more minutes, before writing, "I need to go now. It's getting late."

"Have a good night. Sweet dreams. Sleep tight."

If I wasn't trying to act cool, I would have commented on how he said the same thing three different times. But I was trying to act cool, so I swallowed my words. Anyway I stayed online, so after ten minutes, he wrote again, "You never use facebook chat. Did you suddenly grow some social skill, teme?"

"One sec."

"Take your time."

After ten minutes, I replied, "Back."

"Weren't you going to sleep?"

"I changed my mind."

"Oh, I just saw an awesome video. I'll send it to you. I think the guy in the background looks exactly like you."

He send me the link to a video of the blond, were a creepy guy standing behind him in the dark, looking at him like a manic. He was trying to get me riled up, I know his game now.

"I like his hair."

"You're acting weird," he finally wrote.

"What do you mean?"

"You are not yourself."

"Maybe you just don't know me. Naruto, I need to go now. Someone is calling."

I saw that he was "typing" a message for a couple of minutes, but he didn't send anything. He just signed out. I think I'm on the right track with my plan.

Back to Kevin; I suspect that Itachi was the one who encouraged him to add me. He seems nice though; interested in what I'm saying. Finally, a friend of Itachi's that I don't hate. I was telling him I'm addicted to coffee, and he said we should hang out tomorrow at an amazing library-café he knows. It's near Naruto's home, so I agreed. Maybe he sees me by chance, and finally understand that I _too _gave friends.

He just sent me a photo of his driving license. He's making fun of how he looks but I think he looks kind of handsome.

Naruto just messaged me, "You are being rude. You are ignoring me on purpose just because I'm not into you."

"Naruto I'm busy. Please think before you type."

"Fuck you! I would delete you off my list, but I have a police against deleting friends."

"I'll do it for you."

I deleted him, so he sent me a new friend request. I ignored it.

I wonder if I over did it. It is not that I want to be in a relationship with Naruto or anything, but… I do not not want to be in a relationship with him. Sleep deprivation is making me not so eloquent.

3:00 am

I barely slept an hour before I was woken up by Naruto calling me repeatedly. Who's the stalker now?!

I answered the phone and he just exploded, "Fuck you! You don't unfriend me!"

I convinced myself to stay composed (I tend to be grumpy when something wakes me up). "Why not?"

"Because I didn't delete you when you were staking me because I was nice."

"You added me, didn't you?"

"I was being nice!"

"And that's why I'm telling you nicely, it's 3 in the morning."

"You better add me again! Not accept my request. Send me one."

"Good night."

"Do it now or I'll come over!"

"Do you know my address?"

"No..."

"I didn't think so."

"I can get it. It is not that hard."

"Who is being the stalker now?"

"I'm not stalking you. I'm teaching you Internet etiquette. Say something 'like sorry, I deleted you by mistake. Stupid timeline.' And then add me again like normal human beings do. What?! You hate me so much you can't even tolerate reading my name on your screen?!"

"Fine. I'll add you. Just shut up and let me sleep. I have a date tomorrow morning," I exaggerated. It wasn't a date but I wanted to see Naruto's reaction.

That statement was followed with a long silence from his side. "You? A date? Your hand doesn't count."

"GOOD night."

"Who is he?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"Incase I need to testify against you in court when they find his body."

"And you wonder why I unfriended you."

"I should warn him about you."

"Naruto. Seriously, I'm tired and not interested in your jokes."

He paused for a few seconds. I think he was hurt (Now I was starting to feel guilty). "Is he imaginary?"

My guilt disappeared.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"I do!"

"Then why not bother her instead of bothering me?"

"Bye!"

I tossed the phone away. I was dying to sleep but I couldn't help but think about his call. I never expected he go as far as to call me after midnight just to fight. I mean he did it during our projects together, but at least then it wasn't just plain personal. And not this soon either.


	8. Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

We were walking down the streets (I was hoping I would run into Naruto. He likes jogging in the morning) after having breakfast together, and Kevin suddenly disappeared. I kept thinking I must have done something wrong, and then I saw him walking back towards me holding a flower. So sappy, right? I wasn't awestruck by the adorable move at all. I was just… it was sappy in a very enjoyable way. I never had this type of attention from anyone, or any guy to be more exact since some girls seem to like me. Especially not Naruto; all he does is insult me. All his complements have some sort of an insulting attachment, "You look so good today," and then comes the rest, "How come you look like shit all the other days?" He once told me, "You are a very smart; you are going to make a really great scumbag politician someday. You're going to fool a lot of people, and they are not going to even notice."

So after walking around for hours with Kevin, we decided to go for early lunch at a small nice restaurant. It was pretty close to Naruto's home, but I thought that I wouldn't run into Naruto there. It was sort of high class, and he liked places were he can be loud and stuff his face at the same time.

I was wrong. Just when the appetizers were being served, I saw Naruto pressing his face against the glass window trying to get a better look at us. Kevin noticed I was looking in a different direction, and he turned to look at Naruto.

"Isn't that your friend from the other day?"

I didn't know how to answer him, but just to ammonize him against anything Naruto could say about me in front of him, "Yeah. I know him from college. He obsesses about me and then accuses me of stalking him."

"Well, he looks obsessed. He's even pointing at you to his friend."

"I'll handle it," I got ready to get up and go talk to Naruto, before I noticed him walk inside with Shikamaru (who looked as bored and uninterested as ever). He sat on the table right next to me! Seriously, he has no class!

"Hello Sasuke," he smiled at me. "Nice running into you here, _in the restaurant opposite to my home_."

"It's one of my favorites in Konoha," Kevin answered for me. "Naruto, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I saw you with him the other day, at the ramen shop. You went out with him twice, wow, that's a record."

I could see Shikamaru facepalming at Naruto's statement. He was obviously being petty and jealous. I knew it all along. He's in love with me. Anyway, I could clearly see that my date (how can it not be a date after he gave me a flower?) getting more uncomfortable.

"Have a nice meal, Naruto."

I looked away.

"Can you pass my the salt?" He asked me.

"You didn't get your food yet."

"I like having the table set right."

I could've snapped at him, telling him I am not the fucking waiter, but I bit my tongue. "Sure. Here you go."

"That's pepper."

"Take both," I gave him the other one.

"Now I have two pepper shakers. Take it back."

"I'm trying to have a conversation."

"Fine. A have a conversation. I'm having a conversation with Nara about girlfriend."

Kevin excused himself to go to the bathroom, obviously escaping the blonde's insanity. Not a second later, Naruto started to edge with his chair closer to me, leaned and whispered. Now, he's whispering. As if not everyone in the restaurant wasn't already looking at us.

"I know what you are doing. You're trying to make me jealous. It's not working. I don't care. You need to move on; I'm not into you."

"I'm not the one crashing the other's date, am I?"

"I'm not crashing it. You are basically dangling your new boyfriend in your face. Why don't you poke my eye out with the flower he gave you? And roses are so cliché by the way. Very cliché."

"Ah, troublesome," Nara kept shifting in his seat. "I'm going to the bathroom too."

"Dangling him in front of you? It's not like I'm fucking him and rolling on your front lawn," I couldn't help but retort. I had promised myself not to, but I just couldn't hold back anymore.

"The restaurant is right in front of my house!"

"Your house is the size of a small city. It's hard to avoid. Which, by the way, you could sell and give the money to the poor since you care about them so much. You are a hypocrite, aren't you?" I snapped back.

I got the feeling that he wanted to stab me with his stable knife, so I pushed my chair away from him. Right then, Kevin showed up, and suggested we go to another restaurant were we could be alone and away from my stalker. Naruto's jaw fell when he heard that comment. Huh! People think he's the stalker; in his face!

Anyway, later that day, I had another appointment with Kakashi. I think my father is over doing it (three times a week is too much), but since Kakashi's words had turned out gold, I can't say I didn't look forward to meeting him again. I told him about what had happened with Naruto. He didn't seem shocked at all when it comes to what I had done.

Then he said, "It is obvious that Naruto likes you back."

Back! "Back" as in he's suggesting that I like Naruto in the first place. I don't like him! Okay, it is amusing to be around him _sometimes_. But I don't like him. I hate him. Just because I find him somewhat sexy, doesn't mean I like him. I think Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in a certain light, is sort of sexy with his beard, but I don't like him. I hate him. Kakashi found that fact very disturbing, and suggested I watch less news or more porn.

He told me that he believes it would be easier if we both dropped our guard and confessed to the other our feeling, instead of playing games and drawing out something that could be very simple. He then said, "People of my profession don't like using words such as crazy, but if I am to use it; you are feeding into each other's craziness."

Regardless, I refused to confess anything to Naruto, to which I heard him mutter "figures" under his breath. Snobbish prick!


	9. Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I noticed today that Naruto has started to add a location to all his statuses. Not the kind of move you'd make when you think you have a stalker unless you are basically calling out to him.

Not going to work, Naruto. Not a chance!

It is nice that I have Kevin to talk to these days. He keeps me occupied so I don't end up falling prey to Naruto's tactics. On this note, he seems to really hate Naruto. Expected. Naruto is the type of person you either love to death or hate more than hemorrhoids. Nothing in between. That's why I've always felt that Naruto's friends are some of the most loyal ones I've ever seen.

Naruto, on the other hand, doesn't outwardly pretend to hate anyone but me (and Clint Eastwood for a reason he refuses to share). And even then, he is not very consistent about it.

In any case, I've received a friend request from Nara today. I'm suspicious; that man is too lazy to look up and friend someone. He either added me after being pressured by Naruto, or Naruto has taken over his account. Nara liked some of my photos too. That's down right bizarre.

I just don't get it. Is he trying to send me a message? Something like, "I'm watching you." He doesn't strike me as a person with Mafia tendencies.

3:00 pm

I was on the phone with Kevin when Naruto kept calling me repeatedly. After first few times, Kevin asked me why I was distracted, and I admitted it was Naruto. He told me I should just ignore him, and that I was better than to be dragged down to Naruto's level. A few times later, I couldn't resist answering anymore. I did lie to him, a fact that I'm not proud of, and said my cousin was calling. I didn't want him thinking…

I don't know what I expected Naruto to say, but I never expected him to act as if yesterday never happened. He talked normal?! He didn't fight. He didn't argue. He didn't confront. Nothing. He just protested about the genocide in Burma for and how he didn't know how to help for thirty minutes.

Yes, it is a trait of Naruto to get over involved emotionally in things bigger than him, and I've always admired that about him, but seriously, doesn't he remember what happened yesterday?!

It is so frustrating. So many things are going on and I don't seem to be able to completely grasp the purpose of any of them. I can only look forward to meeting with Kakashi tomorrow. He can help me decipher what the hell is going on.

5:00 pm

Again, Naruto called as I was talking to Kevin on the phone. I'm pretty sure he understood who was calling even though I tried to avoid admitting it. Anyway, Naruto told me to turn the channel to the BBC because they were reporting on the issue. I told him I have a waiting, and he lashed at me for living in my bubble while millions were getting burned alive. Obviously, I lost that argument. I hate to admit it, but I lost it miserably.

He stayed with me on the phone as I watched the horrors on TV for a few minutes before finally speaking, "So who were you on the phone with?"

That caught me off guard. "Kevin."

"The new boyfriend. I see. Does he go to college in Konoha?"

"Is there a reason you are asking me about him?" I was starting to get why he was calling me. He's jealous out of his mind, isn't he?!

"I'm looking after myself, bastard. I want to know if he's going to leave when school starts and you'll go back to stalking me."

"He goes to GUK."

The GUK is an international school in Konoha. It is well renowned, and known for tuitions that cost a little more than the gross domestic income of a small country. Itachi went to GUK. Now that I think of it, Kevin's parents must be filthy rich. I was supposed to go there, until I admitted to my father than I didn't want to work in politics. Going to KLU was sort of my punishment for declaring such a "blasphemous decision" according to my father.

"Ah, the rich kids' school. So he's spoiled?"

"You are richer than most students who go there."

"Yeah, but I don't go there, 'cause I'm not snob."

"Three generations of my family went there."

"My point exactly."

I gritted my teeth. Was he calling me just to insult me?!

"I've watched the report. Do you need anything else?"

"Brainstorm with me. How can we help them?"

"You know Naruto, you might pretend to care about Burma, but you are just using the horrors going on there to keep me with you on the phone. That's worse than not caring."

I think I stoke a nerve because for the next minutes, he remained very silent. I'm not sure if he was feeling guilty or maybe just angry with me.

"You don't want me to call you anymore?" He asked me.

I would have said yes if he had said it in any other way, but his voice was very serious. I felt that if I had told him yes right then, I would never hear his voice again.

"That's not what I'm saying."

I hated how much voice shook when I said it. I hated it! I was as if I was begging him to stay in my life. I was suddenly feeling so pathetic.

"Then what are you saying?"

"Naruto, you kept accusing me of stalking you. But then you asked me out. And then you turned me down even without me asking you for anything. AND NOW, you keep trying to keep me in your life even though you keep saying you don't want me there-"

"Yes, bu-"

"I don't understand what you are doing. I'll be honest with you; the only reason I can think of for your temperamental erratic behavior is that you want in your life enough to amuse you when you're done with whatever else you are doing, but not enough for you to have to give me something back."

I had snapped. I was saying much more than I had intended to. But Kakashi said being honest would improve the situation, right?

I heard him stutter on the other side of the line. It was as if he wanted to say something but didn't know what. First time I ever saw Naruto speechless. "You are the unreadable one."

"How am I unreadable?"

"I can't tell if you like me or hate me."

"You made it clear that you think I like you."

"But I'm not sure. You're dating that guy."

"Naruto, I'm not going to say it just to amuse you."

"So you do like me?!"

"You are relentless! I'm not alive for your entertainment. I exist even when I'm not around you."

"Just say it!"

"I'm not going to say it!"

"Why not say it if you think I already know it?!"

"Naruto, what are you trying to do?!"

"Just say it so I could say it back!"

What?! I've always thought that he was stalking me and that he did love me, but now… What?!

"Sasuke, are you still there?"

"You are shameless."

"I'm giving you what you want-"

"Yes, because you think I like someone else now. You can't tolerate that I give him more attention that you. You know what; even if I do like you, taunting me every now and then just to keep me interested doesn't cut it. Call me again when you know my worth!"

I hung up.

11:00 pm

I've been thinking; I might be an idiot, and somewhat in denial. Perhaps I like him. At least I don't want him out of my life. Kakashi said it, but I just realized it now. Naruto gave me the opportunity to get him to say he liked me, but I wasted it. I thought the price was too much. He keeps pulling me in and pushing me away; I just can't risk laying all my cards down on the table when it comes to him. He might've wanted me to say it just so he feels better about himself for a second. But then what happens to me? He feels better and then turns me away again?

He's not straightforward as I used to think he was. He's… a complicated mess. I feel like I'm trying to write a presidential speech out of alphabet soup.


	10. Thursday, August 23, 2012

Thursday, August 23, 2012

It's already seven at night and Naruto haven't yet called, texted, or messaged me. I checked online, and he seems to be online just like any other day. So, it's not that he's not near his laptop and phone. I guess this was his answer.

This is a definite no from him, I think. I could just call him and say it first, maybe he'll say it back, but…

I should stop thinking about him, I know. Truth is, I don't want to. I'm not sure if I can. I'm not saying I was the one stalking him all along, but I think about him more than a random person would. I like him? I like him. It is more obvious now that I know he means more to me than I mean to him. Ah, I'm being emo about it, aren't I?

I should stop brooding. Kevin called me today, but I wasn't in the mood to talk. I don't want to ruin my chance with someone who actually likes me back, but I just can't help myself! I can't get the fucking idiot out of my mind! Why doesn't he call already?!

I don't even have the energy to go to Kakashi tonight.

But Naruto is not so bad, is he? I enjoy being around him. I even enjoy bickering with him. It keeps things interesting. He is, and I hate to admit it, interesting. He's the strangest ice cream flavor at the shop. The one you are always wary of trying, but you do it once in a crazy attempt to be spontaneous, and suddenly it's the only one you like. Suddenly you are addicted to orangey mint red-hot banana sprinkled with hot chili powder. And you are so self-conscious when you order it in front of someone else, 'cause it is nothing like your personality. You 'know they'll say "Seriously? Doesn't suit it. Always thought you as more of a vanilla guy."

For a second there, you think maybe, perhaps, it doesn't really suit you. But it does, because without it you are just bland person who knows better than to eat a dessert in the first place, and only you realize had missed out when you're fifty and diabetic and can't eat ice cream anymore.

I just read what I wrote again, and now I believe I might be losing my mind. I guess what I meant to say is; the best thing about him is that he is not all there in the head. He's fresh. And he can stand me. He is the only one who can butt heads with me and win. And he can stand being around me; god knows even my dad and mom can't.

Plus, he can be sweet sometimes. I remember when a guy "accidently" kicked the ball in my face, and I had a mild concussion. He left his friends, took my to the clinic, and wouldn't leave my side. At the time, he said he had time to kill and nowhere else to be, but Naruto always has somewhere to be. And he always turns around you so he would be the one facing the traffic when you jaywalk (which I wouldn't have been doing without his encouragement in the first place, but still…).

I watched an experiment in a show one day where they let a homeless injured man lie on the ground to see how many people would stop. Out of hundreds one or two people stopped. Naruto would be one of those two. It is so him to forget about himself and help someone else. He won't think maybe his a mugger who is waiting to for he right moment to jump up and snatch my wallet. No. He'll only see someone who needs helping.

10:00 pm

I had a really horrible fight with my dad about going to Kakashi. There wasn't any screaming or anything. Fights with my dad are like cold wars. He says something, I argue, and then I expect some under-belted punishment in the next few days. I suppose it will be a big one this time; he hasn't been happy with me lately.

I did end up talking to Kakashi on the phone. He asked me why I wasn't willing to see him again (I didn't say that, but dad had assume that on his own.) I told him I only said that I was exhausted today and wanted to skip just this _one _session. Then he asked me if something happened with Naruto, and I confessed. I also blamed him for encouraging me to be honest, and I asked him if I should gave Naruto the confession he wanted.

I was relieved when he said no and that I've put myself out there, and if Naruto wants me, he knows what to do. Still, I felt that he was trying to prepare me for disappointment. He kept repeating, "Regardless of how things turn out, you've gained a lot of experience and now you can understand your feelings better."

11:30

I just received a text from Kevin asking me if I want to go out tomorrow. I texted back that I really want to. I think I should be near someone who likes me these days. Just writing this down makes me feel as if I'm using him…


	11. Friday, August 24, 2012

Friday, August 24, 2012

Naruto sent me a message while I was out with Kevin as if on cue, but I couldn't read it right away. Why? You see Kevin had arranged this picnic for us. He even prepared pinwheel sandwiches and fruit salad. They were simple but tasty. It looked as if he had put a lot of effort and thought into it; he even brought spiced tomato slices because he knew how much I like them. It felt like a scene out of a movie. I didn't know people could be that sweet. So sweet in fact, I was starting to feel really guilty for having Naruto on my mind.

He asked me if I was upset yesterday, and if it had anything to do with Naruto calling me.

"So you knew it was _him_ calling?"

"It wasn't hard to figure out," he smiled. "I don't like being lied to. But I guess… Don't worry about it. We just started dating, and we all have people from in life that drive us to do things that we wouldn't do otherwise. I actually came to Konoha five years ago when I was just a junior in high school just because the guy I had loved was moving here."

He always knows what to say. How can a person be so perfect?!

"So Naruto is not just a stalker, right?"

"It's complicated."

"I see. Is it over? I would really like to keep on seeing you."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to lie again. But it wasn't very over, was it if I was still thinking about Naruto? So I avoided the first part of the question all together, "I would like to keep seeing you too."

He nodded and smiled, so I asked him, "What happened with you and the guy you followed here?"

"He is now straight and in another country," he laughed. "I laugh now, I wasn't laughing when it first happened." He then leaned in and whispered, "I slipped in a pocket knife in his carryon before he went through the airport security."

I chuckled. So he is human after all. I like him more now. "That's so evil. I love it."

That's when I received the text from Naruto. I pushed the phone back into my pocket and decided to ignore it for the rest of the date. When Kevin went to get us more drinks, I pulled it out of my pocket and read (I felt like a scumbag magician who is trying to be fast enough to pull a magic trick. The scumbag part was for checking the text in the first place).

The text said, "I know you don't want to talk to me, but can I see you again? I have something important to say."

I wish I had hesitated before replying. That would have soothed my conscious, but I didn't. "Tomorrow. 9:00 am. Starbucks opposite to Ichiraku."

"I'll be there.'

I spend the rest of the day, on the grass and cover with Kevin. He laid his head on my legs. I was so surprised. It actually took me a few minutes to get used to it and loosen up, but twenty minutes later I began to play with his hair. It's really soft. I thought it wouldn't be because it looked processed because of the dye, but it was. He's eyes are blue too. Not as blue as Naruto's, but special in there own way.

When we were leaving, he leaned in to kiss me, and I moved away. I really wanted to kiss him. I really did. But until I figure things with Naruto… It would be unfair to him. Plus, if I do get with Naruto, I would like to share my first kiss with him.


	12. Saturday, August 25, 2012

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I feel like a child. I've developed a habit of biting my nails, only in private though; people might think of it as a sign of weakness, according to my dad. Last night, as it got darker and darker, I began to obsess more and freak out. How do you prepare yourself for a meeting that will shape the rest of you life, or at least your near future?! I always do great in interviews, but that's because I know I'm backed with my family name and GPA, but with Naruto; I'm not social and I'm not the romantic. I don't make a very good case.

I had just finished getting dressed for the meeting, before I went down the stairs and heard my father say whisper to my mom (loud enough for me to hear), "He is going to embarrass me. I'm telling you he will."

I ignored his comments, until I saw my mom walking towards me with an over-zealous expression on her face. "Sasuke, your shirt is inside out."

I gulped. It's a good thing Naruto didn't see me that way. So humiliating, even just in front of my parents. "I need to change the lights in my room."

"And you have mismatching shoes," she swallowed, as if she didn't want me to snap or suddenly have a nervous break down.

"The lights really want need to be changed in my room, and the entrance-"

Right at that moment, Itachi walks past me and outside the our house, and says casually, "You have toilet paper poking out of your pants."

"Bathroom," I finish my words. "We need an electrician."

Then my mom tie toed and smelled my hair, "Sasuke, sweetie, did you by any chance mistake the shower-gel for your Hair-gel?"

I stared for a second blankly as I suddenly began to notice the smell and the fact that my hair felt soapy. Seriously, how fucked up was I?!

"Are you okay?" She asked as if she was dealing with a crazy person or a crying child.

My dad showed up from behind her, and suddenly began shouting, "Stop going along with everything he does! He's not a child anymore!" And then glared at me, "Go up to your room! You're not going out looking like this-"

"I have an important meeting-"

"Don't argue!"

My mom nodded at me, as if giving me a signal saying 'let it go, I'll handle it'.

Twenty minutes later, I was done fixing everything I had originally messed up. My hair was very dry. Expected. I wish I've looked better.

Anyway, I'm on my way now to Starbucks. I stopped a taxi, since clearly I will run over someone if I try to drive.

12:30 pm

When I arrived there, Naruto was already there sipping the last of his drink. Strange; usually I'd be the one who arrives first.

I sat opposite to him silently.

"Hey," he grinned at me. "I'm glad you came. I thought you might not show up."

"You wanted to tell me something?" I didn't mean to be rude or blunt, but I was nervous.

"Yeah," he took a deep breath as he played with his straw. "Don't you want something to drink first?"

"Ehm... Just..."

"Yeah, okay, I'll go ahead. I've been thinking; I was sending mixed signals. It's not something I planned or intended to do, but I was confused. You know I've been with Sakura since grade ten and I've never been with a guy the whole way-"

"You are the one always saying sexuality-"

"I know. I know. But-Just-"

He looked more nervous now as if I had interrupted his train of thoughts. "It is new to you?" I helped.

"Actually n- I'll start over. Can I start over?"

"Fine."

My mind was feeling blank. You know, the kind of numbness you get from panic.

"I've with her for so long, and you and I- we are so hot and cold!"

"I get what you are saying," I opt to leave but he pulled me back down.

"Please let me finish!"

I sat back down again; noticing that his hand was still holding mine tightly.

"What I mean is; I was having lots of doubts; What if I make this huge decision and you end up turning me away because you might have not noticed; you act very hateful towards me sometimes. And if we get together, we'll fight like we always fight, and we might end up breaking up the next day. Half of the time I don't know if you drive me crazy or if I'm crazy about you! Probably both!"

"Naruto-"

"I kept having these damn worries. And I know I look like the person who doesn't overthink stuff, but Sakura's heart is on the line, and my mom wants us to get married as soon as we graduate. I love them both. I can't just follow my heart and be spontaneous when it comes to this. Too many people would get disappointed. And honestly I hate being the bad guy!"

"Naruto-" I didn't have anything to say, but I honestly wanted him to stop muttering excuses!

"And your dad hates me. Every time I demonstrate in front of his office, someone pees out of the window and I'm pretty sure it's him-"

"My dad wouldn't-"

"Do you know what kind of strain that puts on a relationship?! I don't know any relationships that survive the dad wanting to pee on the boyfriend-"

"My dad doesn't want-"

Why wouldn't he let me get a word out?!

"And I sort of made out with your brother in high school-"

"What?!"

"I didn't know you then, and I was high, and he is very progressive. Not a lot of straight guys would kiss another guy because they would like to turn on their girlfriends-"

"He's gay-"

"Seriously?! He's gay now? It couldn't have anything to do with the blow job I gave him-"

"What!"

"Just kidding! I thought it might make the kiss sound so trivial in comparison-" He rubbed the back of his head and laughed nervously. "What I mean to say is I knew that the odds are against us, but I didn't want to let you go. I was waiting, hoping I wouldn't have to make a decision. It's bad I know. It's horrible! I'm know I did something horrible. And then I saw you with him and I just freaked! I don't want you to be with anyone else."

"That's enough. I don't want to hear-"

"I want you to be with me!"

Suddenly I stopped trying to interrupt him, and leaned back into my chair.

"I want to be with you," he continued. "Even if it might be the biggest mistake I'll ever make. Even if I get peed on!"

He then bit his lips and whispered, "I mean… It sounded more romantic in my head."

I smiled, "It did to me. Sounds a lot like you."

"So that's a yes?" He gulped.

"That's a yes."

"Good," he gulped again. "You know martial arts, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You'll know after I bring Sakura the news. To be safe, you should keep a first aid kit on you at all time, and always protect that face; I like it. And the crotch. It's actually better if you don't go out until it blows over."

"She doesn't look violent-"

"Does your brother happen to have a scare on his back that looks like he was stabbed with a fork?"

"Yes?" I raised my eyebrows. How did he know that? "Did she…?"

"Exactly. Even though she was the one who suggested we make out in the first place because she loves guy on guys stuff."

"Did she stab you too?"

"No," he chuckled. "She kicked me in the balls. My mom had to help me ice them. I had never felt so much pain in my life. It was horrible. Horrible," he grimaced. "Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I shouldn't tell her face to face."

We chatted for a while before leaving. It felt unreal. Actually, it still does. Am I in a relationship with Naruto now? Now that I think about it, he said he wanted to be with me but he never said he liked me directly. He even patted me on the back before leaving; not a kiss, nor even a hug. But I understand, anything we do now would be cheating on Sakura. Kevin as well.

Kevin… I feel awful about it. He is one of the nicest people I've met. I like him, perhaps because of his kind guy attitude… not just as a friend, I think. But he is the price I have to pay to be with Naruto. Honestly, choosing Naruto is like playing Russian roulette with my heart. But in this scenario I'm addicted to gambling, so I can't help it. Addicted to him somehow. And as he pointed out, the odds are against us.

Yet, I think I'd be really happy with Naruto if it worked out. Happier than I could ever be with anyone else. And I wouldn't like him just because he likes me and treats me with attention and care. _Although_, I've seen Naruto with Sakura; he can be the master of over the top gestures. Not sure if he'll ever do any for me though.

4:00 pm

I was about to call Kevin to see if we can meet and talk, when I received a text from Naruto saying that he knows we agreed on telling Sakura today, but her grandfather just passed away.

At first I thought he must have been having second thoughts, so I went to check on Facebook. Sakura is not my friend, but I noticed a post on Shikamaru's wall by Temari concerning the passing away of Sakura's grand pa. It said something like, "Why aren't you or Ino answering your phones and private messages?" His reply was, "We are with Sakura at the hospital. Her grandfather just passed away. We'll call you the next chance we get."

So Naruto isn't lying. He must be with her right now, so I'm afraid to call. I don't want to create any problems for him or her. She must be very sensitive today.

5:00 pm

I just got off the phone. I told Kevin everything. I could've waited until Naruto told Sakura, but I don't like lying or hiding secrets. He didn't seem very shocked, although I sensed from his words that he thinks I'm making a mistake. He told me that he had done the "follow your heart blindly thing" and it never works out. And that I should be with someone who is good to me. He also said that doesn't mean that I should go into relationships just based on my brains.

"Sasuke, it's your decision after all, and I'm not saying this for my sake, although I am somewhat; But don't you think you should be with someone who is not already in another relationship?"

"Her grandfather just passed away. He'll eventually tell her."

"But you told me he talked about how hard it is to break up with her. Are you sure he'll go through with it? He might not have the same feelings for her as he have for you, but after you've been with someone for so many years, you get attached to them."

"I don't have a guarantee, but what can I do? I can't ask him to tell her now."

"And he shouldn't tell her now. You know I don't like the guy, now more than ever, but I agree with not breaking up with a girl the day a family member passes away. But you were honest with me about this, so I'll be with you too; I'm concerned for you; what if he wants you because he thinks you're moving on?"

I let out a soft whimper unconsciously. I already had that doubt.

"Sasuke, I know we can't be together right now. You won't be happy with me as long as you have him on your mind, and I won't be happy until I'm the one on your mind. But I like you, so I'm upset. I know we've only been on two dates, but I can't help it. I wish we could have made it work, and I hope you don't enter a relationship with someone might make you miserable or keep you hidden. At least if you are not going to give me your heart to protect, you protect it."

"Hmm. I just think it's worth the risk."

"What can I say? It's your choice," I could hear the frustration in his voice. "You have my number."

"I'm sorry again."

"Okay, Sasuke."

"Can you please keep it from Itachi?"

"I'd never tell him anything you told me in private."

I feel awful.

10: 00 pm

I called Naruto. I didn't let the phone ring for long. I figured if she answered, I could just say I'm calling to say my condolences. He did answer though, thankfully. However, the voice had an echoic ring to it. I thought he was speaking from inside the bathroom. Plus, he kept whispering.

"Hey, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. How is she?"

"Holding it together, but her mother is devastated. We didn't leave her side all day."

"Please let her know that I feel very sorry for her loss. When and where is the wake?"

"I'll text you the details, but I think you shouldn't come. I'm going to tell her one day, and…"

"Okay, yeah. You sound tired?"

"No, I'm okay. Don't worry about me. I just don't like death very much."

"Who does?"

"I guess you are right. How about you? I'm sorry I didn't tell her today. I know you must be upset."

"It's okay. You can't tell her today, obviously. I told Kevin," I regretted saying this immediately. I didn't want him to think I was back in his grip.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"You told him about me?"

"He figured it out so I told him. He remembers you from the scene at the restaurant."

"He's Itachi's friend, right? I have some common friends with him. Sakura too."

"He won't say anything."

"Good."

"So, I'll let you go now. Someone must be waiting to use the bathroom," I chuckled.

"Ah, you figured that out! It's the only place I can talk in private."

"You're still at her place?"

"Yeah. Her mom likes me. But I'm sleeping on the living room couch," he stated as if he was worried my thought might run wild. "Sasuke, I'm really sorry. I wish our first phone call after… wouldn't be all whispers and echo."

"It's okay. It is not your fault."

"I've never told you this before, but I love your voice."

"Y-y-you do?" I stuttered. Should I wait for the insult now?

"I can't wait till I sleep listening to it."

I gulped loudly, then I heard him chuckle, "I'm being weird. Sorry. Don't freak out, Sasuke."

"I wasn't going to."

"Good night."

"You too. Sweet dreams."

"Wet dreams?"

"Am I going to discover you are a pervert soon?" I laughed.

"You didn't know that?" He teased back. "Go jerk off to my used underwear."

"I don't jerk off to it. I threw it away."

"No, you didn't!"

"I did."

"After jerking off in it?"

"There was no… self touching involved."

"Self touching? I love your sexy talk," he teased again. "I'll go self touch to it."

"You are at someone else's home. Your _girlfriend _might walk in."

He was quite for a second as if I had just reminded him of her. "I should go. I think someone's at the door."


	13. Sunday, August 26, 2012

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Today, Itachi suggested we having a bonding experience. My mind wondered to horrible things before he reveled that he just wanted to paint his room together. And although _that _is far less screwed up than what I had thoughts in mind (and I should wonder how screwed up I am in the first place to think he is suggesting it), spending hours in the same room with Itachi was intolerable. Plus, we will probably mess it up. Why not hire my mom's interior decorator and he'll hire the contractor? He kept saying, "It will be fun", "we need a change", and "I'll like it more if we do it with my brother".

Obviously I refused. Five minutes later, he walks and suggests we go to the beach together. I told him there is no way I'm going to the beach with him. Plus, we are not beach people. Uchihas are pale by nature. It's a curse. Regardless of how long we stay in the sun, we can't get tanned. So, why would I want to go to a place where I'll look like the albino kid?!

Fifteen minutes later, he walks in and suggests we go for lunch together. He was getting on my nerve! I refused again.

Thirty minutes later, he gave up on making excuses to hang out with me. He walked in and just sat down on my bed. "Sasuke, I've been trying to create a nice setting to speak to you about this, but since you haven't been making this task easy, we'll have to talk in your room. But can we at least roll up the blinds?"

"It's too sunny, and I don't want to talk."

"I don't want to push you like dad, but you were a mess yesterday," he was being direct. Itachi is never direct. He never said a up-front sentence or gave a straight answer in his life. He says one thing and means the other. That's why I nickname him the weasel, behind his back.

"The lights-"

"The lights are fine Sasuke. You aren't."

"It's none of your business. Who said I needed fixing?!"

"Dad."

"That was a rhetorical question."

"I'm trying to help you before he does. You don't want dad trying to help you, believe me. He made an ultimatum, Sasuke."

I rolled my eyes, "What kind of ultimatum?"

"He is threating to cut you off if he doesn't see a change before the next semester begins. He thinks it'll get you out of your room and into the world to try and support yourself."

I looked at him sighing, "I have money saved up. That'll last me until it blows over. Plus what change is he expecting? I have less than a month before school begins."

"He's not paying for tuition. He said you could use student loans and part time jobs to pay for it. And he is not signing anything either."

I stood up, "He must be kidding me! Does he want me to end up homeless and on the streets?!"

"Lower your voice," he pulled me down, and back onto my chair. "He's out. Don't start a fight with him now."

"He's the one who wants to drive me away."

"Stop acting spoiled!"

I froze staring at him. Did Itachi just snap at me?

"He's serious, and I won't be able to change his mind this time. I can't protect you anymore. I can't vouch for you anymore. Every time I promise him you'll get your act together, you go and do something to prove me wrong. My word doesn't mean anything to him anymore, and it's not my fault-"

"My grades are good-"

"Your grades are good because God blessed you with a brain you are wasting. You don't even study. Just think of the great things you could do if you actually put some effort into something other than sulking in your room like a prude and stalking a guy who has a girlfriend," he gulped. He wasn't comfortable with this. "And stop treating me like your enemy. I'm your brother."

"Your good guy act-"

"Sasuke, do you want to change or not?"

"I'm fine the way I'm."

He glared at me for a while, before standing up and walking away. "Maybe he's right. You need to be forced into growing up."

"What's so bad about me?!" I screamed at his back. "I'm horrible because I don't want to be a politician?! Because I chose a liberal arts major?! Or is it because I can't kiss the asses of the kiss asses campaign funders like you two can?! Perhaps because I don't look perfect all the time?! God forbid I get tired and flustered one fucking time and wear my shirt inside out-"

"Sasuke, he's outside," Itachi leaned in to gag me so father doesn't hear, but I escape his hands.

"Let him hear me! I'm sick of it! I'm here for one month a year! One month and he can't even pretend to stand me! I've pretended to with tolerate him all my life!"

My father walked in right at that moment, and stared at me silently with his consistent disappointed look. "Why did you stop Sasuke? Continue."

I hesitated. I lowered my voice, "Why can't I be my own person?"

"You can be, but you prefer to live as a shadow. If you keep on going the same way, all you'll ever become is the son of the governor or the brother of the governor, or the one from the Uchiha family who was too busy going against everything his father stands for, and that never managed to have something to stand for. You didn't want to be a politician. You chose your major based on that. Not because you enjoy mass communication. You chose what you thought can irritate me the most. Regardless of what you might like or what you are good at. So the reason you can't be your own person is you, son. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go 'kiss some asses' so I can pay for the major you chose to spite me."

"That's not what these funds are for," I whispered as he walked away, leaving Itachi behind.

"Why are you still here? Do you want to call me a failure again, big brother?"

"Itachi, leave your brother alone now please," my mom said as she stood by the door. She came after hearing the noise, I think.

"I'm already leaving, mom."

She walked in and smiled at me, "I'm not going to let your father cut you off. Don't worry. Even if he did, I'll pay for your college. Just focus on your studies-"

"Mom, do you believe in what he said?"

She took a deep breath and sat beside me, "Your dad only sees results, but I think masterpieces can't created overnight. You're still figuring out who you are, but when you do, you'll prove to everyone he was with looking for. And its okay not wanting to live in your fathers shadow."

"Thank you mom," she patted my head.

"And Sasuke, be good to your brother. He loves you and you are always cold to him."

"He is just pretending to be nice."

"I've seen your brother act before in school plays, and even though I'm his mother, I can tell he can't act that well."

Now that she has left, I keep eyeing my phone. I really want to call Naruto. I really want to hear his voice. But I can't. He might be with Sakura.

7: 00 pm

Naruto called thirty minutes ago. He told me the funeral was over, and he was going to stay at his home tonight.

"Your voice sounds strained, Sasuke-chan."

"Chan?"

"I'm trying to be cute. Is it working?"

I laughed, "Naruto likes to be cute. Next step, Naruto talks in third person."

"Naruto likes that idea very much. So why is your voice strained? Who have you been screaming at?"

"My dad. It's not a big deal."

"My voice is always strained after I meet your dad too."

"Because you are always the one chanting in the demonstration."

"Were you demonstrating against him? What? He doesn't want to increase the breakfast caviar budget?" He mocked.

"You make so many rich guy jokes. You can't realize you are one of them?"

"My dad is. I'm not."

"Doesn't he pay for everything you do?"

"I've a scholarship that includes living expenses, and I work. You don't know that even after stalking me for years?"

It's true. Naruto wasn't even a full time student. As I mentioned before, his IQ can go head to head with Einstein's and win. He was at college for the college experience. I think he had said that before to me once. I don't think everyone knows thought.

"You are lucky you don't need him."

"Don't need him?! I'd sleep in the same bed with him if it wouldn't be weird. I tried to do it last weekend, and my mom kicked me out of bed. She can get really possessive of him."

I chuckled, "Why would you want to do that?"

"Why does my kid brother get to do it and not me?"

"You're jealous of your kid brother?"

"No. What I mean to say why is it acceptable for him to sleep with them and not acceptable for me?"

"Cause you're grown up."

"So?"

"…"

"Grown ups don't need emotional and physical intimacy?"

"You get it from your partner, not your parents?"

"Why not get it from the three of them?"

"Because it's bizarre to sleep next to your parents."

"Why?"

"It doesn't need a reason."

"Everything does."

"So I am gay for a reason?"

"You are gay because you were born gay?"

"Why?" I attempted to play his game.

"Well emotionally, because we just fall in love with who ever we are destined to. Physically, I don't know. Ask a doctor."

"Why was I born in the Uchiha family?"

"Are we going to play that game?"

"Yes. Why was I born a Uchiha?"

"You got yourself some bad Karma from a pervious life, maybe?"

"Not everything needs a reason."

"Why?"

"Because not everything needs a reason."

"Now, I'm confused. Did you fuck someone before?"

"What? Why did you just ask me that?"

"I'm curious."

"We were on a different topic."

"And now we are on that one. So, from one to ten, how much of a whore have you been?"

"You have no tact."

"C'mon."

"One."

"You slept with one person?"

"No, I mean one on the scale from one to ten."

"So two people?"

"Why would the scale start from two?! Scales start from z-zero. Stop fixating about sex."

Bizarre man! Him and his weird humiliating questions!

"So you don't want to know my answer?"

"I'm listening."

"Just one."

"Sakura?"

"Yup."

"You two slept together?"

"Yup. Why do you sound so shocked?"

"She's a girl."

"And I'm bi."

"I just can't imagine it. Did you enjoy it?"

"A lot."

"Do you always have thoughts about girls?"

"According to science, every seven seconds."

"Do you like large breasted women?"

"I'm more of an ass person, but yeah."

"How about guys?"

"Do I have thoughts about them? Yeah."

"More or less than girls?"

"Are you trying to quantify my sexuality, Uchiha? Don't worry, I won't turn hetero on you suddenly."

"A lot of people think they are bi, but they are actually just bi curious."

"You want to sleep with me so I can prove to you how much I love, just love, having it up the ass?"

"Naruto!"

"What? You haven't tried it on your own before?"

"No!"

"Prude," he chuckled.

"Did you?"

"Yes. Sakura refused to do it."

"I can't hear this anymore. My ears are going to bleed."

"Do you want to skype?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you probably want to do something perverted."

"I promise I won't do anything perverted. Not until I break up with Sakura."

"Fine, I'll go online now."

"Wow! I just found something awesome online."

"Porn?"

See what he did to my innocent mind!

"We can bungee jump in a town just two hours outside of Konoha. Do you want to?"

"Throw myself off a bridge? No, thank you."

"Stop saying no to life."

"I've watched the Yes man before. I don't need a lecture."

"It will be awesome!"

"Have you done it before?"

"Not really."

"How do you know it will be awesome?"

"Fine. I'll go with Kiba. He's fun."

"I'm fun."

"Sure, you are."

"You sound like you are doubting me."

"You are fun in a nice comfortable way."

"This sounds like you are saying I'm boring."

"You are not boring. Some people are like the dark night movie, and some are… documentaries."

"Are you calling me a documentary?"

"A lot of documentaries are interesting. You don't have to do anything out of your comfort zone. You are just not that kind of person."

"I can, I just choose not to."

"If you say so."

"I can bungee jump if I want to."

"Ok."

"But I don't."

"Fine with me."

I hate him! Now I remember why I fucking hate him! He's manipulating me! I know he is, but I just can't fight it!

"Open your camera."

"Naruto, I can bungee jump if I want to. I'm not scared."

"It's okay. We can watch a movie together instead."

"No. No. I'll go."

"You don't want to do that."

"Now I do."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, wait a second," after exactly a second he asks, "Are you free next Tuesday?"

"Yes. Wh-"

"Okay. I booked it."

"This Tuesday!"

"Are you having second thoughts? I can still take Kiba. He loves-"

"I'll go! Fuck you!"

"Thank you, baby. Open your camera. I want to see you."

"I don't want to see you."

"Why are you so upset?"

"Nothing at all. You are a- just fuck you! You manipulated me!"

"Would you have agreed any other way?"

"No-"

"Then what other option did I have?"

"Not bungee jump with me?"

"We'll try my thing once, and your thing once. I don't mind going on a virtual google earth tour of Paris with you."

I would have snapped at him, but he was right. I enjoy those virtual tours to death. "Whatever."

"I'm serious; pick anything you want us to do together, and I'm in. I won't even argue. But, not in Konoha until…"

"Would you go to a fundraiser ball?" I hate them. I hate them, but I know he hates them more. Much more than I hate bungee jumping. I just wanted to see if he would really go through with his promise.

"With your dad there?"

"Yes."

"You like these things?"

"What do you want to go back on your promise?"

"No, I just think your dad will not appreciate me there. Getting removed by security is not fun, I tell."

"He wouldn't mind."

"No, I really ruined his last one. I hacked into the system when he was doing a presentation and played a video about the corrupt-"

"That was you?!"

"I said too much… Gotta go!"

He just hung up. I need Kakashi.


	14. Monday, August 27, 2012

Monday, August 27, 2012

Itachi was driving me back home from Kakashi tonight, when he announced that he was picking his friends, including Kevin, up on the way. Apparently they were going out afterwards. I didn't know what to say. He was doing me a favor by driving me afterwards (my dad took my car; as I mentioned he has to punish me somehow after any argument we have). But being in the same car with him… I know he wouldn't make it awkward but…

For the next hour, I sat next to him. Shoulder to shoulder, silently. Some of the guys kept making comments about how strange it is that Kevin who is usually the most talkative was suddenly so quiet. I crossed my fingers and hoped Itachi doesn't suspect anything. I know he would blame me, accuse me of using his friend to make Naruto jealous or something.

"Why don't you come with us, little Itachi?" One of my brother's friends suggested. Apparently "Little Itachi" is my new nickname. He didn't mean it as an insult, but I still wanted to head-butt him.

"Sasuke has plans," Itachi answered. He hadn't been the same since our last fight. He would usually be trying to get me to go with him, but it was as if he was too angry at me to put in the energy anymore. I saw him packing his bag this morning as well. He is probably moving back to his apartment. On this note, I think he might have fought with dad as well. I didn't see them fight or anything, but they seemed very strained all day long.

Before arriving at home by around 5 minutes, Kevin whispered in my ear asking me how it was going with Naruto. I smiled at him and said everything was fine. In retrospect, I should've asked him about his life back.

My appointment with Kakashi just made me more nervous. He said that it is understandable not telling Sakura right now, because it is the decent thing to do, but he asked me if I think Naruto might get comfortable with the idea of having us both in his life at the same time. I couldn't answer. Then he mentioned how it will become harder to explain to Sakura as the time goes on. There is a different between being cheated on, and your boyfriend falling out of love with you, as he explained.

I asked him to give me a solution, but he wouldn't give me any. I also told him about Naruto's relationship to my dad. I swear for a second there, his features weren't as casual as usual. At first I thought that perhaps he thinks something might be wrong with Naruto, but when he insisted on discussing my relationship with my dad directly after… Is he hinting to what I think?

On another note, after leaving, I remembered that I had forgotten my mobile in his office. So I went back, and saw Kakashi standing with the other therapist (I look his name on the clinic's website and I think he's called Yamato). They weren't kissing or anything, but the man was stroking Kakashi's back. It looked intimate. Surely nothing colleges or even friends would do. I didn't know before Kakashi was gay.

Anyway, he noticed that I was there. I hope this doesn't make our future sessions awkward.

Anyhow, Naruto called me today again. He asked me if I wanted to go to a bathhouse with him. I have seen too many gay pornos shot in bathhouses to agree. I am not sure this is what he was hinting at. He might just like sauna, or maybe he just wants to meet me at a place none of his common friends with Sakura would see him at. I don't know. I don't mind his sex jokes, but I wonder if I'll have to have sex with him soon after he breaks up with Sakura. Now, I'm dying to. I really am. I get turned on just thinking about it, but I don't want to rush into anything. I hadn't noticed that before, but it seems like sex is essential to him. He has already made a few jokes about doing something on skype, and I wonder if they are merely "jokes" and not hints to test the waters.


	15. Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I hate him! I hate him! I still can't stop fucking shaking. I'm hiding in the bathroom right now. We had so much fun on way to jumping site. For a second here, I thought I might I forgot I have to jump off a bridge with online a robe between death and I. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do!

2:00 PM

He walked in, knocked on the stall door, but I wouldn't open. Then I heard him talk, with a voice softer than usually.

"Sasuke, I'm sorry I was forcing you into this. You don't need to do it."

I opened the door ready to curse him, "Are you trying to manipulate me again?"

"They have amazing apple pie here. We can just go have fun."

"You still want to do it."

"Not anymore."

"I'm not a coward."

"Honestly, jumping off bridges is an over rated skill."

"I'm not a coward."

"You're braver than me. You put your self out there first when it came to us. You brave when you need to be brave. And bungee jumping is just for an Adrenaline junkie. It is not a measure for bravery."

I couldn't NOT jump after what he said. I marched to the spot pretending to be all composed and daring, and he followed after me trying to change my mind.

I jumped. I am not going to talk about the experience anymore since I would like to forget. But what I don't want to ever forget is Naruto's embrace afterwards. I was shaking and he held me tightly, kissing my forehead and whispering calming words into my ears. I honestly don't know if I shook because of the jump or because Naruto was finally acting like my boyfriend. His hands around me...

Five minutes later he was like, "Oh my God! This was so fucking awesome! Lets do it again." Killed the mood.

No, Naruto, I don't like to fucking jump off of stuff. I don't even like watching horror movies. I don't want to live one. I'm not freaking James bond.

Anyway, as we were leaving, someone handed him a flier, and immediately yelped, "Sasuke, look! We can swim with sharks! There is time. We can still do it today."

Although he was probably just pulling my leg, I felt like killing him, but I like him too much. Ah, I'm still dizzy.

5:00 PM

Why does he drive with one hand? Why does he drive so fast? He has a death wish, doesn't he? He must do.

The drive back was almost worse than the jump. At one point, he let go of the of the wheel and struggled with me over my journal, after he had scene it poking out of my pocket. I let him have it. I didn't want to die.

Anyway, I told him I'd be upset if he did read it, so he gave it back to me on one condition. I had to let him write something on an empty page, and not look at it until it's new-year's eve.

I wonder what he wrote. He folded the page to keep me from reading it, but it is not like it's sealed. I'm curious but I don't want to ruin the surprise for myself. I think I won't read it now.

7:00 PM

I heard her voice in the background. I was talking to him on the phone and then I heard her voice in the background. He told me he had to go and left without answering my question. Why is she at his house?!

I wish I had her on my facebook list. I feel so out of the loop. The only post is an image dated today. She was telling him how much of a great boyfriend he is for supporting her during these hard times. She was holding his arm and smiling in the photo, all in black.

I feel guilty, but jealous.


	16. Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I called Naruto to see if we can hang out together today, but he said he already had plans with Sakura and her mother. He promised he'd try to tell her if they get any alone time. What kind of plans? Shouldn't he be moving away from her rather than getting closer to her family? I didn't even have time to ask him any of the questions on my mind. They are driving me insane. I couldn't sleep all night.

I feel guilty.

3:00 PM

I kept obsessing about what they might have done last night together. I called him, half out of my mind, and asked him if he was still sleeping with her, and why was her voice in the background. He swore that she just dropped by without being invited and his mother let her in. He also swore that he hadn't touched her since the day we confessed our attraction.

He asked if he can pass by my house, and I said no. He said he needed to talk to me face to face, because I sound upset, and he wanted to explain himself. I said no again. I told him I saw their photo together; the one in which she embraces his arm. He told me he was sorry, but it wasn't he fault. He couldn't push her away, especially in front of his mother.

I asked him if she spent the night, and he said yes, but they didn't touch according to him.

I hung up on him.

9:00 PM

Naruto dropped by my house tonight. Thankfully I was home alone, or else my father would have had a heart attack at the sight of his mortal enemy. I wouldn't open the door at first, but he kept knocking, and I didn't want the security to notice him. I don't know how he got past them in the first place. I opened the door, and he just burst in blabbing about his excuses.

I wanted him to leave. After all, I never appreciate someone lying to me in my own house.

"You should take your lies somewhere else!"

"I want you to believe me; I didn't touch her!"

"Where did she sleep?!"

"In my be-"

"Oh my God!"

"But I slept on the couch, I swear."

"She lives ten minutes away from your place! Why would she spend the night at in your bed if not for-"

"She said she needed to be with someone and her mother just traveled to be with family-"

"And that someone had to be you?!"

"What can I do, Sasuke?! I'm still her boyfriend. I can't abandon her now. What kind of person would I be?!"

"Not a cheater."

"That's unfair. You know I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't have feeling for you. It is not something physical or lustful or-"

"The funeral was a couple of days ago. Why can't you break up with her already?"

"Because you don't hit someone when they're down."

"And what about me?"

"You signed up for this! If I'm cheating on someone, Sasuke; it's not you, it's her!"

"Oh, so I'm the other man now?"

I realized it was true the minute I said it. I didn't have sex or him or even kiss him, but I was wrecking their relationship. Would they stay together if I was out of the picture?

"Sasuke, baby," he reached out to stroke my arm but I shied away. He took a deep breath and spoke softly. "Just wait a few more days, and we will be together."

"I don't like this…" I whispered.

"I don't like it either. I really intended to break up with her that day Sasuke, but it is so hard to kick an injured puppy. I'm not just her boyfriend. I'm her best friend. I don't want to do that to her."

I nodded, "Fine, but we have to set a deadline."

"Okay."

"Before Sunday ends."

"That's not-"

"I wouldn't be able to stand it after that."

"Sunday, fine."

I could see he wasn't comfortable with the deadline.

I need to stop hiding in the bathroom and go talk to him. He's still waiting outside.

11:00 PM

Naruto had to sneak out of my room's window. My parents just arrived home. I can't believe what we did.

One minute we were talking, the second were touching softly. I was just playing with his buttons, I don't know what made me do it, I just wanted to touch him. Then he began to caress me back, tenderly at first, but he got a bolder with time. He cupped my ass in his hand, kissed my neck and lips, and… I was melting.

Maybe it's a blessing that dad arrived when he did. I wouldn't have had the self-restraint to hold back. He hasn't broken up with her yet. Oh God! I could feel him against my thigh.


	17. Thursday, August 30, 2012

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Today, Kakashi complained, or rather showed his concern, about me missing sessions. I don't know why he was so concerned. I had only missed the Tuesday session, and that was for Naruto's sake. I wasn't going to turn down a date, even one that almost stopped my heart, just to go to my perverted doctor.

Anyway I confessed to him what I had done to Naruto, and what I had done after he left. He wouldn't take my hints. I guess he wanted me to say it bluntly. When I wouldn't say it, he told me that this is a topic to address since it appears that I have some guilt issues related to sex. I don't agree with him. I just don't enjoy talking about these things openly like for instance Naruto.

Regardless, the point was, I was feeling extremely guilty for… I guess since I'm the only one would ever read this journal, masturbating to him. I am truly "the other man", am I not?

Kakashi said it is okay, and that it is normal. I know. I know it us normal. I had done it before, but I have a feeling he is doing it too, and… I can't explain it. I feel bad for Sakura yet I hate her. At the end she spent years with that man who she has loved so much, but she can't be with him anymore. He can't be with her, because of me.

I hope she dyes her hair. She'll get more guys with a different hair color. No guy wants a girl he'd confuse with the cotton candy she's holding.

On another more sweeter and orangey note, Naruto called today. He told me he had a lot of fun yesterday, and that he was happy we didn't break up already because of our constant fighting. He planned a special with Sakura tomorrow to bring her the news. He said he was worried, but after it was done, we would be free to do whatever we wanted. "I'll tattoo your name on my chest and ruin myself for anyone else. I'd never be anywhere or with anyone without you there closer to my heart," he whispered. So fucking sappy, but so sweet. He then admitted he heard it in a porno. I didn't know if I should be glad he gave me any thought, upset he thought about me something sex related, or frustrated at how perverted he was. How much porn does a person watch before they start memorizing the script?!

I let talk to me about what we would do after we're officially together. I didn't set limits this time or act upset, I just let him talk. I think I might get addicted to his voice whispering the filthiest and hottest things I could have ever thought of. My body burned and I let him talk me through… I jerked off to his voice.

It is beyond me how I gave in this easily regardless of the amount of guilt I had stored inside of me.

Itachi didn't pass by today. Very strange. He usually stops by daily. I wonder if I'm the reason, or it it's my dad's fault. I heard my mom talk to him, but I didn't want to ask her how he was doing. I wanted to know but I didn't want to ask.

11:54 PM

I'm at the hospital. My mom is crying, and I just can't…  
Itachi had an accident. We don't know anything. They are not telling us anything! All I know his friends found him passed out and bleeding his apartment and brought him to the hospital.

12:35 AM

The police are here. They talked to my dad, and are now talking to my mom. I doubt she can help them; she can hardly talk in her state. They said something about suspecting some radicals attacking him. Itachi is somewhat of a public figure. He's always with my dad, but he doesn't have any security. Why would anyone do that do him?!

His condition is stable, the doctors say. But he was stabbed three times. Three times! Twice in his arms, and once in his stomach missing his vital organs by an inch.

2:OO AM

My dad just told me that he thinks Naruto did it. He's always leading the opposition. That's probably what he told the cops too. But Naruto couldn't have. He's not that kind of person. No! Plus, he was with me on the phone. I'm his allaby. My dad is going to kill me when he finds out, but I don't want Naruto getting her. I don't care. Plus, they shouldn't waste time investigating him when they could be investigating the bastard who stabbed my big brother.

3:00 AM

I can't sleep. I can't. Itachi is alone in that hospital. My dad told me to take mom home and try to get her to get some sleep, but her concern is warranted. I can't fucking sleep and I didn't give birth to him!

I am so scared something would go wrong and the last thing he'd ever… I never told him I loved him. I told him he hates me. I told him…

Please be alright.


	18. Saturday, September 1, 2012

Saturday, September 1, 2012

I just returned home after a two-day stay with Itachi at the hospital. My uncle was going to be his companion but I begged my father to let me be with Itachi instead. He appeared shocked at first, but since I had been crying and my eyes were puffy as a blowfish…

I never lost anyone I cared about, except maybe my great grand mother when I was a child. I was terrified of loosing him. For the first time, I realized how much I love Itachi. I had to keep myself from hugging him when he woke up. It took everything in me to control that urge, but I knew I had to; his body is fragile now.

We talked a lot. More than we ever did; and about nothing in particular. He seemed somewhat in pain yet happy I cared. I guess he didn't expect me to. I have to wonder what kind of person have I been to him that would make him expect me to abandon him when he's hurt...

Itachi was also so strong; and not just physically. It was easy for me to start displacing my anger and frustration on him, sadly. I didn't intend to hurt him, but he is the kind of brother who rarely snapped back. Plus, I guess I had always been jealous of him. If any human was perfect, it would be him.

I have to make it up for him. I don't want to have regrets any more. I couldn't even step away from his bed all day. I didn't want to leave him for a second. Making up for lost time is not an easy task, especially when you suddenly realized you miss the person so much. At one point I was dying to go to the bathroom, but I kept thinking one more minute and I'll go. I ended up ALMOST wetting my pants.

I didn't talk to Naruto today. I can tell he watched the local news because he had been calling repeatedly all day. I hope it is not because of the police investigation.

I think I won't answer him until Sunday is over. It is an awful thing to do, but somehow, I'll feel better if we don't talk while he's still with her. As Itachi said, I should stop self-destructing. I would never forgive myself if I continued to be the other guy. As much as I hate her, she is not a bad person, and she cares a lot for Naruto.

On another note, I decided to get a tattoo. I want to something drastic to my body; I can't be the same person anymore. I need something always there to remind me of who I was and who I want to become.


	19. Sunday, September 2, 2012

Sunday, September 2, 2012

I keep falling asleep and waking myself up again and again. I can hardly think straight. In fact, I'm writing this right now just to try and keep myself awake. It's almost mid-night, and I have been waiting for Naruto to call for hours. When I said by the end of Sunday, I didn't actually mean he should wait till 12 to do it. I hope he did break up with her. I really do.

Itachi returned home today. He is still can't move around much on his own. I'm glad he'll be staying with us for a while; I have the change to finally get closer to him. Anyway, the police called my dad today. It seems that since he is the governor, they are putting the time and effort into finding the bastard who stabbed my brother. Thankfully, Itachi gave his description to the police and it wasn't anything close to Naruto appearance.

According to Itachi, the guy who attacked him reeked of liquor and was mumbling about how Itachi made him loose everything. He attacked Itachi the minute he walked inside of his apartment, stabbing him three times. Itachi managed to block the first two, but the third landed. The man seemed somewhat disoriented and insane; he didn't try to check if Itachi was dead or not after he had fallen to the ground. Instead, he just walked around the apartment for a while breaking things and calling Itachi spoiled rich Politian who is rotten to the core, along with a few other insults.

I feel so angry at the man. I feel like I want to hurt him back. Itachi on the other hand is sympathizing with him! I don't know why or how! He keeps telling me that a person in the condition he saw the man in must have been driven out of his mind- I won't even write Itachi's excuses down. A criminal is a criminal no matter what excuses we make up for him!

1:30 AM

Naruto hasn't called yet. Kevin did though. The conversation didn't last for long; he just wanted to know how I was coping after Itachi's attack.

I really hope Naruto doesn't break my heart.

4:00 AM

Oh my God! I fell asleep! I fell asleep and now I have coffee all over me. I think I slept mid-sip. I found two missed calls from Naruto and a message from Naruto asking me to answer his calls. Does he think I am avoiding him? I tried calling him back but there is no answer. He must be sleeping by now.


	20. Monday, September 3, 2012

Monday, September 3, 2012

Naruto called again at 6:00 am. My heart almost stopped when I saw his name on the screen. Good news or bad news… I was sure than either would have made my heart race. As soon as I answered, I could hear the sadness in his voice.

"Hi," I answered eagerly.

"Sasuke, are you alright? How is Itachi doing? They said he is not critical anymore on the news."

"He's much better. Thank you. My family is still shaken up. I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls the last few days. I was busy with Itachi and honestly, I wanted to wait till everything was over with Sakura, and "I paused before asking," Is it over?"

"Yup," he said, sounding a little hurt. "I'm sorry I called so late yesterday. She just..."

"I guess she didn't take it nicely."

"Well, at first she thought I was kidding, and then came the anger stage, and then the tears. A lot of tears. I felt horrible. I promised myself never to make her cry, but… And then she tried to connive me that I was just confused and sexual curiosity was after the sudden decision. She said she wouldn't mind experimenting and stuff like that. When I said I was sure of my feelings, she just turned off, and sat there refusing to talk back to me. I was her ride back home, so I couldn't leave her. It was already midnight and I wanted to call you before the day was over…"

"It's okay. I understand. So, are you okay?"

"I'm. I'm. Don't worry. I just expect our common friends to pressure me the next few days, but I'm sure of who I want to be with."

"I missed you a lot," I just blurted out the words. Almost involuntarily.

"Me too. I was worried you would be upset when I didn't call before the day was over. I prepared a speech."

I chuckled, "You can say it now. Might earn you some points."

"What can I exchange my points for?"

"Why is everything with you sexual?"

"Who said anything about sex?! You are dirty minded by the way, Uchiha."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. You keep thinking of all the bad bad things you want us to do together. The bad things you want to do to me."

"So now you can read minds?"

"I can. You didn't know that before?"

"I'm not going to fall for that lie."

"Fine, text me."

"What number between 1 and 100 am I thinking of right now?"

"That's easy. 69."

"Fuck you."

"I would, gladly. Thank you for asking," he joked.

"I wasn't thinking of 69. Stop turning everything dirty."

"You were the one bringing up fucking."

"That wasn't what I was saying."

"It wasn't?"

"No."

"So it was?"

"You are trying to confuse me on purpose, aren't you? You'd use your powers for evil if you had any."

"That sounded so uncharacteristic of you."

"What do you mean?"

"It's a strange thought for you to have; imaging what to do if I had super natural powers. Too out of the box."

"I have out of the box thoughts."

"Like?"

"Not right now."

"C'mon, be random."

"That's just silly."

"Try it. It's awesome."

I sighed. "I like fried chicken."

"You really like fried chicken?"

"No. I wanted to say something bizarre."

"What's bizarre about liking fried chicken? It would be bizarre if _you_ were a fried chicken."

"What?"

"What?"

"Naruto, I am not good at this."

"C'mon, just try to be freaky for once."

"I was freaky enough when I stole your underwear."

"So you admit it?"

"I admitted it a long time ago."

"What did you do with it?"

"I told you I threw it away."

"Pay me back with your underwear."

"I am not giving you my underwear."

"Why not? You took mine."

"Fine, come over and I'll give you my underwear."

"Can you get me Itachi's too?"

"I'm going to hang up."

"Seriously, Hinata has a mad crush on him. Her birthday is coming up."

"I won't steal my brother's boxers just so you give it to your friend as a birthday present."

"Don't steal it. Ask him for it."

"Say what? 'Itachi I would like your briefs please because I know a girl who likes to collect your used ones'?"

"Sasuke?"

I turned around and I saw Itachi leaning on the door, and staring at me in shock. I almost died of shame. No, I died of shame. I'm pretty sure I have no face to save anymore.

I began to stutter, "I-I-Itachi, it is not what you think?"

"You are not talking about giving my used underwear to girls?"

"No. It was a joke. It was a joke. Just a joke."

I could hear Naruto laughing his ass off on the other end of the line. I shouted "Stop laughing" into the phone.

"Whom are you talking to?"

"About that; we need to talk," I smiled politely. It was about time I tell him. "It's Naruto."

"I see," he turned around to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom."

"Are you upset?" I followed him, trying to help him walk.

"We'll take about it later," he continued to limp away.

"Naruto, I need to talk to him. I'll call you later."

"Sure, I need to meet with Kiba for our morning jog anyway. I hope Sakura doesn't get to him before I do."

Soon after getting out of the bathroom, Itachi went on to sleep till 6:00 pm. I think it was the pain meds. After that my dad returned home and stayed by his side till he went to sleep again. I didn't get a chance to talk to him. I hate that he is disappointed at me. I'm sure he'll understand if I explain the situation with Naruto well.

Anyway, around 9:00 pm, Naruto called me again. It seemed as if he was hiding in the bathroom again. His voice seemed troubled, but when I asked him what it was, he said that everything is fine and he's just hanging with friends.

I remember he said something about how his friends might pressure him about going back to Sakura. Most of them are common friends after all. I hope they give us a chance to work it out. We have too many problems to work out already.

On another note, I have been looking tattoos all day long. I like a lot, but somehow I can't seem to decide on one. I am afraid I'd choose one that I might hate in the future or regret. Did I really change?


	21. Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I finally had _the_ talk with Itachi about Naruto. There was a lot of "I see" and "and", and a whole bunch of nods, but nothing concrete. He seemed to listen rather than share him opinion. I guess he might not want to get on my bad side with his opinions, but still; just nodding doesn't give me much comfort. It was very bizarre. I still don't understand if he approves or not. For all I know, he might be thinking I'm making the biggest mistake in my life. Itachi is not an idiot. He knows Naruto is with Sakura. Yes, Naruto might be in different friend circles than him, but Naruto has always had a habit of making himself known to everyone. Plus, he had seen him on daily bases. He deals with the protesters more than my father does. I guess he knows how different we are… I wish Kakashi's appointment would have been today like usual, but no, he had to travel and go to a gay resort. I'm assuming the gay resort part.

Naruto has been calling me more than usual today. I don't mind it, but I'm assuming 24 times when it is just 3 pm is too much. He also insists on not ending the call. I had to pee with him on the phone! He even commented on my flow, "You drink a lot of water, don't you? It's good for your bladder. Or is it soda? Soda is bad for you."

I think he is bored, or maybe avoiding his friends. He told me that Kiba wouldn't shut up while jogging this morning about getting back with Sakura, and asking him to explain why he broke up with her in the first place. Apparently, Naruto didn't mention my name to Sakura, and just talked about 'a guy' he has feelings for. I'm sure his friends will flip when they know it's me. Especially Kiba. Kiba hates me. Anyway, when he gave Kiba the same answer, the guy began to drill him about it. If Naruto wasn't an over-sharer, he probably wouldn't have told me this; but apparently Kiba tried to convince him that it was just a fling and cold feet because of the pressure his and Sakura's parents are putting on them to get married.

So, I sort of asked him to come over to my place. I don't intend to sleep with him, yet but… I guess it was a very insecure move; I can't distract him from them by sex or intimacy. I know that. But, having to go up against most of his old friends and long time girlfriend is really hard. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help feel like I need to up my game.

The problem now is; if I am going to put out, how should I do it? I'm clueless. I'm not a sexy person. I can't sex talk. He can. I can't. I just listen and call him a pervert occasionally, which provokes him into saying more perverted things. Plus, how do I bring the topic of condoms up? And when? And what if I bring the topic up too early and I sound like a I'm dying to sleep with him. I'm not a… Whatever. I just don't know how to seduce someone or how to make it feel good for him. I don't want to just slouch there like a dead fish. Sakura looks like she had some moves; she teaches yoga in her free time! And she has breasts. How can I compete with breasts?! But Naruto said he was an ass person. Now I'm just ranting nonsense. I need to calm down.

6:00 PM

My dad just left the house, and I sent Naruto the message saying it's okay to come over. I went shopping for new underwear today. I had planned to buy something provocative but ended up with black boxers. They don't even have a print on them. Am I this boring?!

Anyway, I bought a new bottle of perfume. I sprayed too much onto the bed, so since I don't want to send him the wrong signal, I went ahead and sprayed the rest of the room. My eyes sort of burn now, and my nose is stuffy.

10:00 PM

It was a disaster. I managed to sneak him into my room without my mom noticing, but the minute he stepped inside, he had a cough fit. I told him he can wait outside for a second, but he insisted we stay in the room, that's when he began to feel dizzy, weak, and sick to his stomach. Apparently, he is hyper sensitive to some of the ingredients of my new fragrance.

Anyway, I had to help him to the living room, where my mom happened to be sitting. I kept wishing she didn't know who Naruto was, but as soon as I saw the expression on her face, I knew there was going to be a problem.

"Hi, miss Uchiha," Naruto spoke between coughs, eyes watery. "Nice to meet you. I'm Naruto Uzu- Sasuke, I'm sorry. Please change your shirt; I can't breath."

"Oh dear. What happened to you?"

"Just a little allergic reaction. I'm fine. I'm fine."

When I returned after changing my outfit, Naruto was alone in the room, and lying on the couch taking deep breaths.

"Better?"

"Yup. You're mom is really nice."

"Thank you. Do you want to drink something?"

"I just want to be with you."

I couldn't help but smile and walk directly into his open arms. I rested my head onto his shoulder, and let him embrace me for a few minutes, before I saw my dad bursting in with his private security. My mom had called him.

"This is invasion of private property!" My dad shouted at Naruto.

"I invited him-"

"Stay out of it Sasuke. He has taken his obsession to a new level. This is now harassment and not just exercising your right of free speech or protesting."

"I'll be leave-"

"Dad, calm down. I invited him."

My dad turned and glared at me. If I weren't my age, I would have probably cowered away. In fact, I had to fight the urge to. "Why would you invite him? You know he is a suspect in your brother's-"

"He is not anymore. Itachi remembered the man's-"

"He might as well be."

"Why? Because he fights for what he thinks is right?"

"Out on the streets, not in my house." He then turned to the security and signaled for them to remove Naruto.

"Dad, c'mon! It's just a date!"

"Is this another one of your devices to irritated me, Sasuke?"

"This is a family matter," Naruto interrupted me before I spoke. "Bye Sasuke. I'll see you later." He then turned to my father, "I didn't mean to harass you, governor. But thank you for having me at your home and valuing the free choice of your son."

As Naruto left, my father kept asking me if Naruto had been the one putting those thoughts in my mind all along; thoughts of rebelling and acting out. I ended the conversation early and went up to my room.

It is not going to be easy.


	22. Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My dad hasn't said anything to me all day. I know he's planning some retribution for me, but I'm not sure when he will be laying it on me. I've noticed him nattering with Itachi today, in his study, but I couldn't quite hear who they were talking about. If I could guess; I was there topic.

Anyway, since my home is not viable as a hang out with Naruto anymore, and since we have agreed to keep a low profile until the dust settles from the break up, Naruto invited me over to his house. I'll admit, I was fairly worried about his father. After all, the man had pressured him to get a restraining order against me. Yet, Naruto assured me that his father is very docile and does not cling to his opinions too much. I felt better for a second, before he laid the next bombshell; he told me that his mom is the one to worry about. Apparently, giving her grand babies is not an option and he has less than five years to do it; because she needs them to remember her young and hot. He also warned me his mom can be somewhat "unorthodox".

He didn't warn me enough! I can't believe this; but even with Naruto's quarks, he is like a diluted version of her. She is twenty times as energetic and fifty times as bizarre. The minute I arrived, I saw this red head sliding down the stair rail at full speed. It was actually happening. This doesn't happen even happen in movies except if they are slapstick. She stared at me, and pointed her finger, "Who is that hottie, Naruto? Are you trying to get me to cheat on your dad? Or, maybe a threesome. He's open. He'd be into it."

I almost fainted. No, I am pretty sure I flash-fainted for a second. It hadn't been a second since I walked in and she was already talking about threesomes with Naruto's dad and I.

"Hello Mrs. Uzumaki."

"Call me Kushina," she winked at me.

"That's Sasuke, mom," Naruto spoke nervously as if he expected that piece of information to change her attitude, and it did. "I told you about him."

She eyed me from head to toe. "So you are the guy I am not getting my grand children because of?"

I didn't know how to respond to that. "Naruto is still young."

"Lets say you do get married one day and you decide to use Artificial insemination, are you willing to use Naruto's sperm?"

"W-I-Ye-Ahm," I stuttered.

"Mom, lay off him. Don't you have a yoga session to attend?"

"How many kids do you want?" She ignored him.

"Mom!"

"Sakura wanted three," she turned around to leave. "Two girls and one boy."

I never thought about having kids. I don't like them much, but I couldn't say that could I. "Two. A boy and a girl," I lied.

"And the sperm?"

"It is not a big issue for me."

"Parenting philosophy?"

"Everything opposite to what my father did," I tried to joke, but she didn't laugh.

"You're father is the governor, right?"

"He is."

"I don't like politicians."

"Me neither."

"Can we go to my room already? Please ma," Naruto butted into the conversation, thankfully. He dragged my away by the arm, until we reached his room.

"Wow, your mom is something else."

"Yeah. You know how they say there is a fine line between insanity and genius?"

"Yes."

"Her IQ is really high. I'm dumb compared to her."

"What does she do?"

"System engineer, I think. She is always doing many things at the same time. You never heard of her? She's always on the news. She just chained herself to a tree last week."

"That was her?"

"Yup. You missed that hair color?"

"Is she vegan?"

"Are you kidding me? No. I've seen her eat steak for breakfast. My dad carved their initials in the tree when they first started dating. She is a romantic."

"She chained herself for three days for an inscription?"

"A guy tried to snatch me when I was young before, but she chased after her for two blocks, before mounting the hood of the truck at a traffic light."

"Wow, she really loves you."

"No, turns out, it was just another blond kid and the man was his dad. I still appreciate the gesture."

"How about your dad?"

"My dad," Naruto smiled as if he had just remembered something wonderful. "If that man wasn't my father…"

"That is the creepiest thing I have ever heard."

We finally reached his room. His house was truly gigantic. "It's a little messy," he explained to me.

"Don't worry."

The minute he opened the door, my jaw dropped. It was three times the size of my room, if not bigger, with the latest technology. It was jaw dropping.

"I sculpted that," he pointed at the statue of an auburn fox. "So how is dad dealing with the news?"

"Menacingly," I went over to the side of the room where a few chairs and a couch were placed. "I like your room. It's bright like you."

"I like sunlight."

"I hate it."

"You hate sunlight?"

"I do."

"Seriously?"

"I hate sunlight."

"Why would anyone hate it?"

"It's too bright."

"Well, I like it. I get to see you more clearly," he walked towards me slowly, bent down, and began to pull my shirt up.

"What?" I pulled away.

"I want to see all of you," he began to suck on my neck. It felt… ahhh!

"Not today."

"I won't do anything. I just want to see you."

"That's doing something."

"I just want to see you."

He didn't say anything new, but his tone of voice had changed. I stood up and began to take off my shirt. "I'm too pale." I kept my arms crossed. He walked up to me and brushed his fingers down my chest.

"You are almost translucent. As if you are made of porcelain. So perfect."

I blushed a deep shade of red. Not only was he touching me, he was saying that I was perfect. But then, he reached out and began to unzip my pants.

"Naruto!"

He raised his hands in the air and took a step back. "I won't touch. You do it."

"I'm not a stripper," I said as I began to unbutton my pants and then unzip them. Honestly, I was freaking internally but I was enjoying having his eyes on me.

"Take them off."

I did. Slowly, watching as his eyes scanned my body inch by inch. "It's cold."

"Sasuke," he nodded at me as if ordering me to take the last article of.

I gulped at looked away. I didn't want to expose myself like that. I wasn't a show. Well, I enjoyed being one, but I was still uncomfortable. But I was getting more turned on, and the more turned on I got, the less wise I became. I pulled down my boxers, and watched as his eyes widened.

He walked up to me, but I stepped away. "I won't touch."

"Okay."

"Can you lie on bed?"

I did, keeping eye contact with him. My heart was racing, and my body was tingling. I was a mess. I felt like a hot mess.

"I want to make this moment last forever," he whispered.

I only nodded. I was breathing heavily already, and not quite sane enough to understand subtle hints. He walked towards his desk and returned with an SLR camera. I quickly sat up and attempted to hide my privates with my hand. "No. No. No! What are you doing?"

"Making it last forever. I want to always remember how you looked the first time I saw you naked and exposed."

"That's not going to happen. Where are my pants?" I stood up, but then he walked towards me, and I backed onto the bed.

"I won't show them to anyone. I promise."

"I'm not dumb."

"You can do it to me too, if that would make you feel better."

"You wouldn't mind if people saw you naked," I explained.

"What are you doing hiding your body, and wearing black in black? If my body was this hot, I would want to show it to the universe. Still, I won't show your photos to anyone. I want them just for myself. Lie back.

I sighed, complying as if I was play dough in the hand of a child. He raised his camera up, and snapped the first photo. I was still timid.

"Spread your legs."

I hissed quietly, but I still did it.

"Lay on your stomach, and look at me."

I kept my eye on him as he gave me ordered and snapped my photos. By the time we were done, he had seen parts of my body I never cared to look at. He didn't touch me, but I wanted him too. I did, but I couldn't just ask him outright.

After we were done, he called me over to his computer to see the uploaded photos, but I refused to go. I know I couldn't have handled to see myself in that position; I would've died of shame.

On the drive back home, I felt like crying. The reality of what had done just struck me. I was exposed in front of him. I was his toy. And now some guy has my photos. What if we don't work out? He might leak them. My dad would be devastated!


	23. Thursday, September 6, 2012

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I woke up early today. Actually, I couldn't sleep in the first place. I had that urge deep down to open up to someone about the whole situation with Naruto. The only person I had was Kakashi and he was out of Konoha. My only friend is my therapist. I would have never thought that was sad, but now that I actually have something to say and no one to listen to me... I might not have wanted to admit it before, but one of the reasons for starting this Journal is satisfy the urge of telling someone else about my problems, even if I was just telling an empty page.

I sneaked into Itachi's room. He was still sleeping, so I mounted his bed. Awkward and strange. I am usually so distant from him physically; we never even. But for today, I thought I should just have someone close to me. I stayed there, right next to him, eyes closed.

"Are you okay?" He whispered.

"Did I wake you up?"

"It's alright. Did something happen?"

I didn't answer back. Honestly, I wanted to tell him. He is my brother and not my friend, but I wanted to tell him. After a few minutes of silence, I finally gathered the courage to speak, "I had a date with Naruto yesterday."

"I see."

"His mom is really strange. She is fixated on having grand kids. She asked me if I would be willing to use his sperm if we ever do artificial insemination," I chuckled.

Itachi raised both eyebrows, shocked by the woman's actions. "That must have been uncomfortable for you."

"I haven't met his dad yet," I then took a deep breath. "And then something happened with him…"

He didn't do anything, but I could sense the air just got more unconformable. "What do you mean?"

"You know we sort of made out the last time he was here. Or actually the time before that. So I'm used to having him touch me. Not used to it. More like… I don't know. He is my boyfriend."

I paused as if I am allowing for him to continue and say my excuse, but he didn't, so I went to, "He said he wanted to see all of me."

I paused again, trying to get a sense of what his reaction is.

"As in; he wanted to see you naked?"

"Yes. And I would've said no, but it is hard to resist him. I really like him. And he had a camera too."

He sat up seriously, "You let him take nude photos of you?"

"Some," I gulped. I had never been so ashamed in my life before.

"Does your face show?"

"Yes."

"Sasuke," he sighed, with a frustrated tone. "I don't know if he has good intentions or not, but lets assume they are good. You two like each other now, but in the future if you break up; people change. Breaks up are horrible and they get the worse out of even the best of us."

I didn't want to cry. I didn't. Especially in front of Itachi. But it just happened. I covered my face, and lied back on the bed, and began to sob. "I feel really horrible about it. I'm not cheap, Itachi. I just like him so much," I began to defend myself.

He bent down and began to stoke my back. "It's okay."

"It isn't."

"It is. You are young. Everyone does things he regrets at that age. Don't worry."

"What if it hurts dad's career? He'll hate me more than he already does."

"Believe me, most politicians have dirt on them worse than naked photos of their son. Don't worry," he kissed my cheek, and my heart almost stopped. Only mom ever kisses me and that stopped as I got older.

12: 00 PM

I am sitting my room alone again. I want to go out and see Naruto, but I doubt it would fair nicely if we were caught together this soon. I had planned to talk to Itachi, but he had to run some errands suddenly. He should be on bed rest, so I am worried that he is out and about. He told me Deidara will be with him, though, and Deidara is responsible… I hope so.

I didn't want to do this, but since I'm bored, I think I'll try and check Shikamaru's profile. There might be something on there about Naruto.

12:30 PM

Just checked the profile. Mostly, he is not the one posting, but Temari had posted on his profile saying that she is shocked and she need to talk to him immediately. That was early Monday so right after Naruto broke up with Sakura. There was another status by Shikamaru two days earlier saying that he has a feeling something bad is going to happen. I don't know if it is about me or not, but I guess it might be.

I then check Naruto's profile. I usually do, but I think he changed his privacy settings because now I can see more of it. There are many posts saying that they need to speak to him and others asking him why he wasn't answering his phone. He had replied to all posts saying stuff like "I'll explain later" or "I'm busy these days. Sorry for that."

He really does have a lot of friends.

He's calling.

1:30 PM

The phone conversation with Naruto was very strange. It went something like:

"Good afternoon, snow ball."

I chuckled, "I'm snow ball? Is that a good thing?"

"It is. How is your day going?"

"Too slow. I wish we could go out in public soon."

"Give it time," he sighed. "By the way, I'm sorry about yesterday."

"About what?"

"The photos. I wasn't considerate. As you said I might not mind someone taking nude photos of me, but you are not me. I don't want you to worry about these photos getting out."

"I trust you."

"And I just don't want you body."

"I don't think that you want my body. You are popular. You could've got other guys."

"I want it. But I just don't only wanted it. I want everything else as well."

"What do you mean by everything?"

"Everything about you."

"Do you want to own me?"

"I don't think humans can be owned. But yeah."

"Yeah?! I'm not a toy."

"You'll own me back. Its like shared property."

"Do you get overly jealous?"

"I sort of do. I never got upset with Sakura when she did, because I'm more or less like her. I got it from me mom. I told you; she threw me out of bed once just because she wants dad just for herself."

"In her defense, you have a strange crush on your father."

"You will too when you see him."

"At least deny it."

"Ah, I can see him at his desk right now."

"Where are you?"

"I just arrived at the company. I have to send you his photo."

"Does he look like you?"

"I have to send you the photo. But I have to let you know first, that he is my private property."

"I'm not going to try and seal your dad!"

He chuckled, "Just kidding, but really don't masturbate to his photo."

"Don't send me the photo Naruto."

"I will."

"I don't want it."

"Wait until you see him. There is a reason my mom is possessive."

"Is he a genius too?"

"No, just hot." I then heard him talking to someone. "I am going to take your photo. Give me a sexy pose."

"What are you doing now, Naruto?" The man answered back.

"Yes, frown, you look hot as your frown."

"We are at the company."

"Yes, you are a sexy busy man."

I heard the man sigh loudly. I guess he must be used to dealing with Naruto and his mother's impulses.

"Unbutton your shirt, hottie."

"I should've spanked you as a child."

"You would like that that, wouldn't you?" Naruto teases.

"Can someone hear this conversation?" His father asked. "Please tell me your friend is on hold."

"Got the photo!"

"Naruto!"

"I'm back Sasuke. I'll send it over what's app."

"Okay."

A second later, I received the photo. And yes, I know now why Naruto had warned me not to masturbate to it in advance. Just as Naruto is diluted version of how crazy and genius his mom is, but he is a tempered version of how hot his father is. I don't think I can explain how hot he is.

"Did you see it?"

"I did."

"He is hot, right?"

"Is that really him, right now?"

"Yup."

"How old is he? He looks twenty."

"Pa, Sasuke says you are hot and you look twenty," he suddenly spoke to his father again.

"Don't tell him I said that, Naruto!"

"I have a shirtless photo of him if you want it. He has awesome abs."

"Why do you have a shirtless photo if your dad?"

"I have many shirtless photos of him. I'm usually with him in the photo though. The best one, he is trying to bathe me."

"This is disturbing."

"I was a baby."

"Why did you take so long to say this?!"

"You're the one who is dirty minded," and then he continued again. "Pa, Sasuke thinks-"

"Say it and I'll kill you!" I snapped.

"Okay, calm down. Calm down. You'd kill your baby? You are heartless."

"Stop telling your dad I'm crushing on him."

"You are right. We don't my mom hearing about it and hating you more."

"More? Do you mean she already hates me?"

"Ahm," it looked like the words had slipped out from his mouth unconsciously. "She doesn't know you yet. You are the type that grows onto people."

"Are you saying I'm not lovable?"

He remained silent before stuttering, "I like you, but… You come off _differently_ at first."

"Differently?"

"Did I mention I like you so much?"

"Hn."

"Anyway, back to our first topic."

"Which was?"

"Don't be upset. I didn't mean to manipulate you."

"I told you I am not upset."

We strayed out of the topic again, but at one point I remember he said he feels that life goes by in slow motion, much slower than his thoughts, and that makes him feel caged. I don't remember what brought that statement on, but he was laughing as he said it. I wonder if he was serious. If he really feels tormented.


	24. Saturday, September 8, 2012

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Yesterday was one of the happiest days of my life, until... Thursday night, I was on the phone with Naruto when he suddenly decided that we should go to the beach. Being a pale Uchiha, I kept refusing, but Naruto being Naruto, I got hauled into it. That man has a hold on me. Still, it was perfect and away from the eyes of everyone in Konoha. We could really be a couple.

I packed for a night even though we had planned to return at the end of the day; just as a precaution. I packed a low-rise swim short shorts that could have as well been a brief, as well as board shorts. Honestly, I wanted to wear the first but it was short and tight, and I doubted that when the time comes I would have the pluck to.

He picked me up at 8 in the morning. The beach was quite the drive away, and we also needed to check in at the resort. It was low end, but according to Naruto, the beach there was somewhat empty and secluded so he could have me all to himself (that worried me a bit). Anyway, when I tapped the trunk of his car so he would open it for me to put my stuff in, he got out of the car, hugged me, and practically ripped the bag out of my hands.

"I'll just put in the back seat."

I stood staring at his back for a few seconds, trying to decipher the strange move. It felt as if there was something he was hiding about the trunk, and curiosity was starting to fill me up.

"Why not in the trunk?"

"Its full."

"With what?"

"Just junk. Get it, we need to get going."

"Can I see it?"

"See what?"

"The trunk of your car."

He smiled at me for a second, as if he wanted me to take back my words. "It's messy and you are anal retentive."

"Maybe I'll help you clean it up."

He sighed, before walking over to his trunk and opening it.

"What are these books?" I saw about 200 books crammed in there. Not hard cover either. Just manuscripts.

"My books."

"You write?"

"Yup."

"About what?"

"Anything and everything. A theory I want I disprove, or something I want to build upon."

I began to read one, "Naruto, this is great. Why are you keeping in it here?"

"People go in and out of my room all the time. They felt saver here."

"Why didn't you want to tell me?"

"It is not a big deal."

"C'mon, it looks like you spent ages writing them."

"Actually these are from the last six months. The older ones are stored in a storage unit outside Konoha," I ogled at the books. To this moment I can't believe he wrote this much in such a short time. I guess Naruto's brain is somehow faster than a regular person. Is that why he was saying he felt prisoned? It must be really tormenting to have a million ideas flowing inside of your mind at the same time and not be able to get all of them out.

"This is why I didn't tell you," he walked back into the car.

I followed him, "What do you mean? I didn't do anything."

"You are starting to think I'm damaged," he began to drive.

"What are you talking about? You are a genius."

"You're probably thinking my brain is driving me insane."

"Is it?"

"Nah."

"It would have made me feel better if it was."

"Wow! Thank you."

"It would help me believe you're real, and you're human. No one can be perfect. Plus, don't all geniuses lose their minds eventually. I'll be there with your Sippy cup and mouth gag."

"Are you saying I look perfect, Sasuke Uchiha?" He grinned at me. He is so beautiful. "You are so cute."

"Cute?" I almost chuckled like a teenage girl. "If I was cute, I would be popular."

"If you smiled more, you would have been more popular. You still have the chance to."

"I don't smile enough?"

"I'm going to fix that," he pinched my cheek.

"Drive with both hands."

"I will make sure you are always smiling."

When we arrived at the room, we quickly changed. He gave me my own space, and let me have the bathroom. I was thankful for that. I tried to choose which to wear. It was honestly hard. Naruto had said the beach would be secluded… and he had seen me naked before. I ended up wearing the short shorts. The second I got out of the bathroom and heard him say wow, I turned around to take it off and put on the more covering board shorts, but he caught me in time and began to whisper in my ear how hot he thinks I am.

As promised, the beach was very private. I could see a few others, but they were far enough for all the details to fade, and instead just look like stick figures. The minute we arrived, he hugged me from behind and began to kiss my neck. It was more intimate than sexy, I think. He called me his baby. For the next few hours, I just sat with him next to me, rubbing sunscreen all over me, planting butterfly kisses on my neck and back, and whispering flirty things in my ears.

"Guess what I'm drawing on your back right now?" He whispered as he traced his finger on my back.

"A heart."

"Guess again."

"A penis."

He snickered, "Guess again."

"Tell me," I turned around and stared up at him. I liked the breeze and the sun. I usually wouldn't, but they were nice yesterday.

"Mine."

"What?"

He leaned in and kissed me, "I wrote mine."

He began to run his hand all over my chest and abs, and immediately and began to laugh hysterically and wiggle.

"Are you ticklish?"

"Stop it! Naruto!"

"I love this!" He kept on tickling my stomach. My heart felt it was as if about to explode. I was in tears.

"Stop it, please! Stop it, please. Please," when I finally caught my breath, I was having this giddy rush boiling inside of me like the stew that sprouted the power puff girls. "I want to see all of you too."

He stared at me in dazzle for a couple of seconds, before starting to pull down his pants. "Are you sure you want me naked around you in those tight shorts? You might be starting something you can't finish."

I nodded. I don't know what I was thinking, but it was nice being in control for once. I opened my legs so I would be straddling him loosely.

"So you decided to be naughty today?"

"Yeah."

He took his pants off, and left me gawking for a second, before he joked, "I have a feeling I'll be walking around with a blue balls the rest of the day because of you."

"What did you say?" I coughed and blinked a few times trying to gather my thoughts.

"I should reapply your sunscreen. Turn around."

I obeyed. He pushed himself closer, almost sticking crotch to my rear, and began to rub my back. I was turned on.

"Let me spank you."

"You're kinky."

"Is that a yes?"

"No, I got spanked enough growing up. Plus, you just want an excuse to take my shorts off- Ah!" I yelped as I felt the hand fall on my ass. I turned around and glared at him.

"I don't need to take them off to spank you."

"Are you serious?!"

He chuckled, "Are you angry?"

I chuckled back, "Kind of, shovel hand."

He began to sneak his hands inside my shorts and cup my ass. "shovel hands?"

"Naughty hands," I wiggled my body to get more comfortable. When his hands touched my- "Very naughty hands- Naruto!" I yelped.

He backed away and shook his head, "I need something ice cold to drink! Do you want to go get lunch?"

"Okay," I sat up, a little uncomfortable. I was somewhat fluffed, but nothing I couldn't hide with my towel. I wish we could've just stayed there longer. I would have let him get a little further with me if he didn't suddenly try to avoid the situation. It honestly shocked me. He seemed to eager before to take our relationship to the next level, physical wise.

"Before we go, turn around."

"Are you going to try an spank me again?" I turned around quickly, before feeling something zip against my back. "What was that?!"

He got up and began running away, "Sorry! I had to establish my property!"

The bastard had signed his name on my back! Not even in tiny font. I looked like a giant autograph. I chased after him, and I think at one point I tossed my sandals at him almost hitting him in the balls.

"Worth it!" He raised his hands in the air in victory, before running towards me and carrying me off the ground.

It is strange how Naruto always hugs me and embraces me when we sit next to each other. I feel like I he treats me as if I belong there, or as if_ I am _part of him. He is warm and I would have never thought I would feel this strongly towards him. Part of me always thought that Naruto and I wouldn't click, but we do. Somehow he, like I said, has a hold over me. I don't have control around him, and even though it makes me uncomfortable sometimes, I enjoy it to sick extends mostly. Maybe this is why I had packed for the night? I wanted to give up control?

Anyway, when we were finally back in our room, I looked at self in the mirror and almost died of shame. His palm print was advertised in caked sunscreen on my rear from the time he had spanked with me. Of course he knew. Of course!

"You are evil!" He stared at my shorts in the mirror.

He hugged me from behind, suffocating me face with kisses. "You should make me make amends. Take it off and I'll wash it," he flirted, before kissing me on the lips.

"I don't want to go home," I whispered. I really didn't.

"Me neither."

I looked him in the eyes, and whispered again confidently, "Lets stay here tonight. Wash my shorts."

He backed away, and began to only rub my shoulders, "Are you ready for your shorts to be washed? We don't need to wash them now. We can wash mine instead today."

"I have sand all over me. Lets shower,"

I walked first to the bathroom and he followed after me. Once we were in there, we both got under the shower, and began to strip each other. He made funny hairstyles with my hair, and I gave him a bubble goatee. It was fun, cute and frisky until we were back in bed, naked, with him between my damp legs.

He would lean down, press his body again me, and then kiss me deeply enough to make me forget my name. I was sure that in a matter of minutes I would be his; I hoped he'd still love me after that. I didn't want to be just an adventure he had to try once.

He paused for a second, and reached for his phone. "Sorry, I need dad know we are spending the night here."

"Make it quick."

"Shouldn't you send your parents a message too, or call them or something?

"They don't own me."

"They will worry about you."

"Don't you hate my dad?"

"But I would respect him if he was mine. C'mon, be a good boy and don't make your family worry."

I whined, before feeling another smack to the side of my butt cheek. "Naruto."

"Don't make your family worry, Sasuke."

"You are overbearing," I pouted as I texted Itachi saying that I won't be coming home for the night.

"I'm just looking after you. My cute, sexy, hot, adorable, beautiful baby."

"You are good with words. Did you bring condoms?"

"Yup," he pulled a couple out the drawer next to the bed. "I hide them in there so you wouldn't feel pressured?"

"What a considerate boyfriend," I chuckled.

"You are blushing."

"Naruto…"

"Are you sure?"

"Do it."

"Just to be clear, you are not being manipulated into this?"

"I'm not. Come on," I pulled his down and kissed him.

"For real Sasuke? You said you were okay with the photos before and you weren't."

"Do you want me to sign a waver?"

"I just don't want you crying and hurting because of me," he bent down and began to French kiss me.

My mind was blank for a second before it all clicked. I pushed him off of me, and stormed out of bed. "Itachi talked to you, didn't he?!"

"It is not a big deal," he pulled my arm.

"It's a big deal to me! Where are my jeans?"

"Calm down."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Come back to bed," he pulled me in and kissed my forehead.

"I feel betrayed."

"Why? Because he cared enough to go out regardless of the stab wounds just to talk to me and make sure I'm not taking advantage of you?"

When he said it like that… I pouted, "I'm not a child."

"You keep saying that," he rolled me down so he would be on top of me. "Maybe if he didn't say anything, I would have kept hurting you without realizing."

"It's our problem. Not his."

"He's your brother. If my brother ever dated a guy- wait, I don't think he's gay. Anyway, if he ever did, I would be just like your brother. No I would be more than protective. I would be more than over protective. I would frisk him for condoms."

"You want him to get an STD?" I chuckled.

"No, he'll be wearing a chastity belt."

"I'm starting to feel sorry for your brother. So what did Itachi tell you?"

"He said you have a lot of trust in me, and I shouldn't abuse it. Then he asked me to destroy the photos if I really wanted a future with you."

"And?"

"I will really miss these photos. Looked hot in them."

I smiled. He wanted a future with me.

"And then he said if I make you cry again, he's going to cut my balls off."

"Itachi would never say that."

"I saw it in his eyes," he chuckled, before his voice got huskier. "Condoms?"

I nodded.

"Don't think about my dad as we do it-"

"Oh my God!"

"Wait till we start," he poked his tongue out.

It was a great night. The best night in my life. It hurt a little and felt strange at first and awkward, but by the end… This is something I would get addicted to, I kept thinking.

Anyway, when I returned early this morning to my house, my mom kept giving me strange looks. I guess it is normal since I never ever sleep outside the house, or outside my dorm room.

About the dorms, I spent the whole day today packing. I still have a few things to pack tomorrow and I'll be all done ready to move by noon. I had forgot all about the semester… That's the Naruto effect.


	25. Sunday, September 9, 2012

Sunday, September 9, 2012

I just finished unpacking. I feel as if an elephant had just stepped all over my back. Perhaps it's a sign I should work out more.

I have been thinking of going over to Naruto's dorm. He moved into a new one this semester. It's a twenty-minute walk from mine; nearby compared to the one I had to drive to last year. Still, he is probably with his friends. I don't know where we stand exactly when it comes to how public we are, but I'm pretty sure his friends don't know about the other guy being Sasuke Uchiha. I'm not even sure if all of them know about 'the other guy'. He massaged me a couple of times through out the day, telling me how much he hated moving day, but never once invited me over. If he wanted me to come by, he would have. Does this mean we won't be able to hang out anymore until he tells his friends? Shikamaru and Kiba are in the same floor; that makes it impossible to hide our relationship.

Ah, I'm dreading this semester. I'll have to see his friends on daily bases, and most of them already hate me. And worst of all, I'll have to see Sakura everywhere I go. She also has the same major as Naruto and I, so there is a huge chance I'll end up sharing some classes with her. I'm afraid to even imagine how nerve racking that situation would be, especially when she finds out about me.

9:00 pm

The parties have started. I hate the dorms. I opt to pay so much more for a single room, but at the end, I have people bursting into my room all day long mistakenly, and music blasting as if a marching band decided to make base on my head. Offff. Even the key to my room doesn't work. They should be sending someone tomorrow morning to fix it.

11:30 AM

I can't believe what just happened. Naruto called and somehow we decided that meeting at my dorm room would be best. None of his close friends live near by, and even though a lot of people do know him in my dorm, they wouldn't suspect anything. They don't know about the break up with Sakura after all; not yet. Anyhow, he came over, and we were starting to get hot and heavy, when the door blasted open yet again. This jerk stared at us for a second and said, "Oh! Sorry guys. Naruto…"

Then I saw a flash! It wasn't someone taking out photo directly, but right now we are in the background of some fucking photo!

Then after eternity, he walked out and Naruto followed after him. I guess he'll try to convince him to stay silent about it.

3:00 AM

I can't go to sleep. I just went on Naruto's profile twenty minutes ago, and saw him tagged in the back ground of photo of a girl flashing her breasts, with his hands down my pants. 80 comments and counting, some asking "Are you gay now?", "Does anyone know who that other guy is?", and " I thought you were with Sakura? I never thought you would be a closeted cheater."

Naruto's popularity seriously backfired, and he already has a lot of people who hate him. A lot of love him but so many who hate him as well, and now we are paraded all over the internet. I keep to myself, but I'm pretty sure someone will recognize me soon enough. I hope it doesn't go on the media as ammunition against my father. Many of his supporters and funders are bigots and more than just conservative.

God! We weren't doing anything wrong! We are dating. We have the right to enjoy each other. He already broke up with Sakura.

I have a headache.


	26. Monday, September 10, 2012

Monday, September 10, 2012

I just got off the phone with Naruto. He was woken up at 5 in the morning by Nara who was woken up himself by Kiba earlier after he had seen the photos and the comments. He told me that even fore grasping what was happening, he received a call from Sakura accusing him of embarrassing her on purpose and trying to destroy her life as she cried hysterically. He was very shaken up, he kept asking me "What should I do, Sasuke?", "It is not my fault. I wasn't the one who uploaded the photo or the one who took it!", and "What could I have done differently?! I don't know what to do!"

Sakura could fix the situation. She could just tell people they were already broken up, but apparently she is just about cursing him publicly on facebook. Now, he's the bad guy who cheated on his girlfriend who the man whore. I have received some messages calling me that specifically. Sakura is very popular, and she is loved by a lot of people. Basically everyone who knows who Naruto is knows who Sakura is. So people are siding, and I guess to them it is understandable that Naruto looks like the bad guy… I can't think anymore.

12:00 PM

Naruto posted a video on his profile saying: "Hi guys. Most of you have seen the photo of me and my boyfriend online. I know how it looks. It looks like I was caught cheating. I am not going to be listing excuses, but I would like a chance to make this clear because I am not the only involved in this mess. As you know, I used to date Sakura. She is a wonderful girl and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, but sometimes relationships don't work. It was my shortcoming, but I have never cheated on her while we were together. I am not that kind of person. I was and I will be loyal to who ever I am with. The photo you saw was taken after we had broken up. It was in a private room and someone happened to walk onto us. I have very strong feelings towards him, and I know I realize I should have been gone public with them before. Not because I owe anyone an explanation, but because I love him too much to keep him in the shadows. We weren't doing anything wrong, so who please stop sending him threating messages. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate someone calling you a whore for being with your boyfriend. So that's it. Believe me or not, it is up to you. But who ever knows me, knows I'm not a liar."

I loved his video. He said he loved me. I don't know if it was real or just for the video, but it felt real to me. I think Naruto wouldn't have published a video if it wasn't for Sakura and I. He wouldn't have cared what people thought as long as he knew he wasn't doing anything wrong; but Sakura called him crying and I told him about the messages I kept getting and how afraid I was this would be leaked into the media. I wonder if it will fix the situation.

As for the media, my father's publicist is doing damage control. It was published on two local shows. I hate that people saw me in an intimate moment, but I should be thankful the two shows that treated it sarcastically like on TMZ or something. They just joked that I have inherited the politician gene and already working on my first sex scandal. So far I wasn't called a whore or a home wrecker yet.

Still, Naruto said he loved me… In a horrible situation, but still. My heart just fell to the ground the moment I heard it.


	27. Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Naruto has spent yesterday and all day today (he hasn't left yet) in my dorm room. I think he doesn't plan on leaving any time soon. Being in my dorm now is much more confortable for him, I think, even though he didn't talk about it and manages to avoid the topic whenever I bring it up. His friends are not all supportive, and even the ones who are supportive can't shield him from everyone else. I am not saying people are treating him badly. They are just paying too much attention to him. I would have thought Naruto liked that attention, but I guess when it is about something this private…

I love him a lot. I didn't tell him yet, but I can write it here comfortably. I love him. But I will kill him soon. He doesn't sleep! He keeps me awake all night. I am human; I enjoy the surprise mid night sex. I also the surprise sunrise sex, and the morning quickly, and the show hand job, but my dick is sore and my ass hurts. And classes start in a couple of days; I can't keep up with him once classes start. He doesn't need to study or attend classes, he is a genius, but I am merely mortal. Plus, if he does sleep, he sleeps on top of me. The bed is narrow, but there is room for another person. He doesn't need to sandwich me. I almost wet the bed yesterday. I would have, if he hadn't woken up for the surprise sunrise sex.

And he uses me as entertainment. He always needs to be chatting about something or trying to teach me how to break dance. Uchiha's don't break dance. Why? Because prudes looks like idiots when they dance, and yes everyone in my family sort of looks prudish. I admit that.

Other than that, I really like him being around me. He is always warm and snuggly and… I would miss him if he weren't around me all the time. But avoiding his problems and hiding in my room is not a solution. I wish he would tell me more rather than keep me guessing; I want to know what his friends' reactions are and how he feels.

His phone was just ringing again. He silenced it and went to the bathroom, so I went over and took a look. Shikamaru is calling. I think being with his best friend now would be good for him. I thought I should answer, but I didn't want him to be upset.

12:00 AM

I was sleeping, when I felt Naruto get off of me, and get out of the room. I thought he would be back soon, but I looked out of the window and saw him just walking away. I am not sure where he is going. It has already been an hour.


	28. Friday, September 14, 2012

Friday, September 14, 2012

Naruto didn't return home until 3 AM in the morning yesterday. I didn't want to call him for some reason. Actually, I wanted to, but preferred to give him some space. I waited up. When he came back he found me laying in bed waiting for him. He just smiled (or at least I think he did, since it was really dark), and slipped into bed with me again. I just realized I said Naruto didn't return "home"… I'm getting too attached.

I wrapped his hand around me, and laid there silently. I had originally planned to wait for him to admit to where he had gone, but since he wasn't going to on his own, I asked, "Where did you go?"

"Just a walk."

"I could've gone with you. It's late."

"I can protect myself. Don't worry."

"Not about protection, Naruto."

"I'm a morning person," he whispered. "I feel strange at night."

"Strange?"

"Lonely. Bored."

"I'm here."

"You are," he puffed his cheeks. "I'm thankful for that."

"We need to talk," I sat up.

"Did I screw up or something?"

"No, I just need to tell you something."

"Okay."

"You need to talk to me about the situation."

"You know the situation."

"I don't know how you feel or what's happening with your friends. I can help you if you let me in. You are always so talkative, why are you sometimes suddenly secretive? You are obviously upset."

He rubbed his face, "I'm happy just being with you here."

"And what will happen when I can't keep up?"

"What are you talking about now? Your insecurities or mine? Are we just listing things that worry us? How about; what if you get bored of me? What if your father finally convinces you that I am no good for you?"

"You're being very passive aggressive. I'm trying to help."

"I know. I know. I know," he knocked his head back against the pillow. "I just have a lot of things to deal with now. I've a system."

"What kind of system?"

"Well it starts with trying to forget the problem, and putting my energy else where. Maybe into something more productive."

"How about you resolve your problems rather than ignore them?"

"Because I don't have control over other people's actions. All I can do is control mine and try to get them to see me in a different light so they change-"

"You don't control people's actions? You control mine. You are very controlling when you need to be."

"If I was really good at it like you say; you wouldn't have known you were being controlled. And I don't know why we are even debating this? What do you want me to do? Talk about it, Sasuke? Is that going to make you feel better?"

"It's not about me feeling better."

"Lets do it for my sake," he sat up. Obviously he was just trying to give me what I wanted to get me to shut up. Why is he so resistant to opening up?! "I'm upset because my close friends suspect I had been cheating on Sakura before we broke up. I'm upset because-"

"You didn't cheat on her."

"You'd think they would know that."

"Is it Shikamaru?"

"No. Not Shika, but his girlfriend sure does. And I'm not sure what will happen if she forces him to choose between her and I. She controls him a lot, and it was okay when she was my friend too, but now… She is Sakura's best friend. And not just her and Shika, all our friends are shared. Its hard to even think of one person who I know that doesn't know her as well. It's like getting a divorce; you don't just split assets, you split friends too. And since I am the bad guy here… It doesn't matter if I cheated or not; it's enough that I broke up with her and began to date another guy a couple of days later. Maybe it's Karma."

I looked the other way. I have really cost him his friends. He was right. "I'm sorry." I didn't pay much attention to the Karma comment, then.

"See; I knew you would be upset if I told you."

"It's my fault."

"It is not your fault. If I had done it a couple of years ago instead of denying my feelings to you; it could have been better. But I didn't, and this is the situation. Being hated by people and not having many friends is not something I am not used to."

"What are you talking about? You love being around your friends?"

"I didn't have any until high school anyway."

"You didn't?" I never knew that before.

"My dad always thought I was special and he didn't want me to waste the 'incredible brain' God gave me. So he got me the best tutors money could get. I mean university professors teaching a ten year old. He spent all of his free time with me, and I hogged all his attention. He kept me entertained. He was my only friend. He did everything he could to make me the best person I could be. And then he decided we go on a trip with his friends and their kids." He gave me a lingering look that I couldn't decipher; "I don't want to talk about this anymore. I want to kiss you."

"Naruto," I whined. I was pushing too hard, wasn't I? I didn't want to peruse the topic any further; I had upset him enough for one night. I should try and put myself in his place; he has enough on his plate than to try and accommodate me as well. But I couldn't help but think this could be the only time he opens up. "Please."

"Ah, and you call me manipulative," he muttered under his breath. He voice lowered a few octaves as if burdened with guilt suddenly. "I would ask you to promise you won't hate me after hearing what I am about to say, but I know it is not something you can control."

"Naruto… I would never hate you."

He narrowed his eyebrows, "It was the first time I had to share my dad with so many people. I was about fifteen and I didn't know how to share, play, tolerate others, or put myself in their shoes."

"No way. You are the total opposite."

"That was who I was then. I was so jealous because one of the kids was kept hanging around me dad. I did some horrible things to him."

"What kind of horrible things?"

"You are not going to let me get away with anything, are you? First I just pushed him around when we played football. A little too aggressively. It was not subtle, but my dad didn't think anything of it."

"It progressed?"

"You know how I sometimes go overboard and over react?"

"Sometimes."

"I was much worse then. I didn't like sharing my dad, or anything really. So let me give you some background information about that kid first; he was sixteen and totally gay."

He glared at him, "You remember you had your penis in me a few hours ago."

"I am not saying it in a bad way. I just mean I figured he liked my dad in a ... He had a crush. And my dad was nice, and was probably flattered by the puppy crush too, so he was nice to him back- whore."

"Obviously, you are not over it yet," I mocked.

"The thing is, I thought his attention should only be mine. Actually, I was the boy genius; I was used to having everyone's attention. I wasn't going to let some kid prance into my life and share my dad and my spot light. So I sort of more than outed him knowing that his dad was very homophobic and aggressive."

I narrowed my eyes, "What did you do?"

He bit his lip, "Well, I couldn't hire someone to seduce him, obviously. He was underage so I couldn't do that. But I noticed he was sneaking out of his hotel room every night and meeting his boyfriend near the sea. It was really dark in that area and they would kiss and make out there without being caught."

"Don't tell me you taped them having sex?"

"No," he said looking away as if what he had done was much worse. "I got another kid to believe he molested him while he was sleeping, and encouraged him to tell his dad. It was very easy actually. Small kids are very impressionable. But I didn't think it would turn into a big deal. The story had so many holes into it, it wouldn't hold in front of anyone with common sense. But apparently people don't have much common sense after they are told their son has been molested."

"No! Naruto, No!" I didn't want to be judgmental, but that was just too awful. "So you didn't out him, you made him a child rapist!"

"The outing came at a later stage. I was a horrible person!"

"You did something else to him?"

"Things were getting out of hand, and the police got involved. So I told my dad that what I saw him doing, because he couldn't possibly be with his boyfriend and at the boy's room molesting him at the same time. I wanted to fix what I had done and get him off, but I didn't think his dad would react so horribly," he began to tear up.

"I didn't feel guilty until two months later when dad came home and told me the boy was hospitalized because he attempted suicide," he began to rub his eyes.

"Naruto," I hugged him.

"I just destroyed a kid's life because I was jealous. I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. I told dad everything. And I still remember his face; it was as if I shattered him. As if he wanted to hate me but couldn't because I was his son. I wanted to apologies to the kid, but he told me I couldn't. I could go to trail as an adult, and get some real time. Instead, he got a therapist, six days a week, and then Kakashi recommended I enroll in a high school and try to start living as a regular kid."

"Kakashi?!"

He backed away, very surprised by my chirp, "You know him?"

"Yeah. I visit him a couple of times each week. But just recently. You still go there?"

"I stopped going in my freshman year.'

"It's a small world."

"Actually, it makes sense. He is the best in Konoha. So he is very expensive and exclusive. Only a few families could afford him," he suddenly stopped talking and just leaned his head onto my shoulder. "I don't want to go back to who I was before I met my friends, Sasuke."

"Don't worry, baby."

We spent the rest of the night and all of yesterday in bed. Literally too lazy and tired to go out for food.

Today, on the other hand, was eventful. I went to the mall. I didn't really have anything in mind, but I just knew I wanted to find things that could cheer Naruto up. I bought junk food, accessories, shirts, video games, music CDs, and just orange stuff. Everything I thought might make him happy, I bought (which wasn't very wise knowing that my dad might cut me off soon). Naruto is rich. He has everything he wants, but maybe he'd appreciate the gesture, I thought.

So I was there, I saw Sakura, Inu, and Temari walking around the mall, while Shikamaru followed like a tortured slave. He obviously didn't want to be there. I pondered for a while as I stared at them, before realizing Sakura might go off on me if she saw me. Suddenly she turned my way, and I ducked under the behind a pillar, and tripped hard over the ashtray. A second later, they were in my face.

"Are you following us now, stalker? Isn't it enough you stole her boyfriend?" Temari spat at me. "Maybe a new plan to prey on _my _boyfriend? Stalk him first and pounce the first chance you get."

I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't want to antagonize her and cost Naruto Shikamaru for sure, but I standing there getting insulted wasn't my cup of tea either.

"Temari, that's enough," Nara spoke before receiving a glare from her.

"I need to go," Sakura suddenly began to bawl and dashed away.

"See what you've done?!" She spat at me one last time before chasing after her friend.

I stood there, with only Shikamaru in front of me holding their shopping bags.

He sighed loudly, "What a pain. It was supposed to be shopping therapy day. Now, there is going to be another shopping therapy day or maybe ten."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "Are you going to follow after them?"

"I'll tell them I got lost in the crowd," he dropped the bags on the ground, and looked up. "How is Naruto?"

"Fine."

"He's staying with you?"

I nodded.

"So you know he is not answering his phone?"

I didn't want to speak for Naruto, but maybe this was a chance to win Shikamaru over. "He doesn't want to lose his friends."

"He should answer his phone."

"I'll tell him," I nodded again before whispering. "I'm really sorry."

"Stop apologizing or people will think you are guilty."

I raise both my eyebrows.

"I'm telling you this for Naruto's sake; if you keep acting like a guilt stricken home wrecker, people are going to think you _are_ home wrecker. And they are going to believe Naruto cheated on Sakura. We both know he didn't, right?"

I stared at him in shock for a second, until he said more urgently, "Right, Uchiha?"

"Yeah."

"And he should answer his phone and show his close friends he not going to let them go. They shouldn't have to hear his side of the story in a video he posted for everyone else to see."

I nodded like a child in front of a grown up. I never knew Nara could be so commanding. He is usually the silent type who prefers to follow rather than go through the trouble of leading.

"And he is allergic to peanuts," he point one of the bags I'm carrying. I looked down and noticed some of the snacks did have peanuts in them. By the time I looked up, he was gone.

Anyway, when I returned home, I found Naruto still sleeping. I kissed him on the forehead and he woke up easily. He seemed in a better mood, somewhat, so I told him about my encounter at the mall. Somehow we ended up having sex and deciding he was going to call Shikamaru later, and all of his friends individually later through the day.

At night I left to go for Kakashi's appointment, which apparently, got canceled last minute because he had to see someone else 'urgently'. In fact, by the time I got to his office, I saw him running towards the elevator. It must have been very serious.

Anyhow, I returned to my room just now, but Naruto isn't here. I wonder if he is out to find Shikamaru and his friends.


	29. Saturday, September 15, 2012

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I woke up to Naruto's kiss. Apparently, we are going to hang with the guys for the day. Obviously, I was shocked. Last night they weren't talking and suddenly I have to get out of bed quickly or we are going to be late. What happened in between?

Naruto said he'll go buy snacks until I'm done getting ready, and then said the most three dreadful in the dictionary, "Wear something sporty."

Fuck you, Naruto! You know I don't do sports. Half of my pants are skinny, and they'd probably rip and expose my ass to all your straight friends if I try and do something 'sporty'. I kept it to myself though. He looked excited to be going out with his friends, so if I had to flash my ass and suffer public embarrassment, no problem. I hate when you love a person; you just start acting stupid for them.

So anyway, I chose the thing that looks most sporty in my wardrobe, and put on sunscreen; I could tell it was going to be sunny today. At one point, I started to check the contents of my wallet to make sure I have enough money, and I noticed that I have a condom in there. I had bought it a long time ago. It hit me; I never have safe sex with Naruto. I guess we both haven't been very sexually active in the past, so that's okay, right? I figured I should look it up online and see what people have to say.

Anyway I stuff everything in a shoulder bag, plus a book, of course. I have chosen Fifty Shades of Grey. It is not really my favorite genre, or gender, but why the fuck not?! So I stuffed it in there. And then I began to pack some first aid stuff, remembering all the horrible experience I had in my life when it comes to sports. Maybe my dad should have forced me to play sports more as a child; I only got more useless at it with time.

Naruto then came, and we went down to his car, where I found five others of his friends waiting. Shikamaru, Kiba, Choji, and two others I don't recognize. Naruto introduced them as Sai and Aburame. I smiled as soon as I saw Sai; at least one of them is as pale as I am. Maybe he'll sit on the side with me under a shade as they toss pheromones and sweat at each other in the field. Then I realized I basically have to sit on someone's lap. I don't really understand why couldn't they just use two cars, but apparently Naruto thought it would be more fun. So I sat squished to the side, basically inside of Choji's ribcage (at least he was using deodorant).

Naruto began to drive and speak, "Today is going to be lots of fun. You'll get to know my best friends, Sasuke." He addressed me, and then began to address them, "Isn't it strange guys; Sasuke have been in the same classes with you for years and yet you never hung out with him before? You have a lot of things in common."

Instantly, I heard Kiba mutter something under his breath. I couldn't clearly tell what he said, but his tone of voice indicated that it was probably a slur. I expected that. Kiba never liked me. He had warned me before to stay away from Naruto even, about a month ago. Instead, I went and made him my boyfriend. He probably thinks I used magic or drugs to rail Naruto in.

Naruto kept talking and trying to ease the situation, but it seemed that they didn't want to talk in front of me. I had thought before that the silent treatment is something girls do, but apparently guys do it too. Shikamaru, who was sitting in the front, tried to break the silence and play some music, but suddenly Naruto says, "Sai is gay."

My jaw dropped. Did he just say that out of the blue? Who does that?! Sai didn't seem very troubled with it; he smiled at me and said, "It's true. I like to suck cock."

I blinked a few times in shock. So apparently Sai didn't know what appropriate conversation is either. Kiba shifted in his very tight seat then, I could just tell he was the least comfortable in the group with the whole gay situation.

"Good to know," I joked, my voice almost inaudible.

"I never sucked Naruto's though. Too bad," Sai said normally.

So my nervous tick began to show, excusably; I kept biting my lip and saying 'hn'. "Well it would be awkward between friends."

"Not really. I sucked-"

"Sai!" Kiba butted in.

"What? We are in college man. We are supposed to do these things," Choji answers and receives a weird look from Kiba.

"I don't appreciate you saying this now, as much as I didn't appreciated it when you said it in front of Hinata."

_Hinata is the cute girl who always hangs with him? _I wondered if she was his girlfriend. "Your girlfriend?"

He looked at me as if he didn't want to answer the question, just because I was the one I was asking it, but now he felt suck. "Something like that."

"He loves her," Sai answered.

"Sai!" Kiba shouted again.

"Just ask her out already," Naruto butted in.

"Is Lee going to meet us there?" Kiba changed the topic.

"Do you think it might be a problem to Neji if he finds out you want to bang his cousin?" Sai asked.

"Guys, can we not talk about this?" Kiba sighed.

"I would like to suck Neji's cock," Sai whispered under his breath. I wanted to shout at him and tell him he can't go around talking about blowjobs to everyone. I hate the stereotype about us being promiscuous. But then again, they are his closest friends. "How about you Sasuke?"

How about me, what?! "How about me what?"

"Neji?" He said and began to suck his finger and blow one of his cheeks as if he was giving a blowjob. I knew it would be a sucky day!

"Hmm… Hmm… Naruto, what kind of snacks did you bring?" I blurted out finally.

"Sai, stay away from Sasuke," Naruto tossed a bag of snacks at him.

"What did I do now?!" He snatched the bag before leaning against me, "How is Naruto in bed?"

"What are you asking him, Sai?!" Naruto answered.

"What?! Sakura used to give me all the details. I except the same treatment."

At the mention of her name, Naruto shut up.

"So?" He asked me again.

"Why do you need to know?" I smiled.

"Why else?"

"I don't understand."

"Is he still a virgin?" He asked Naruto. "He looks like a virgin. Was Sakura exaggerating your size, Naruto?"

"I would prove it to you, but I'm in a relationship, sorry," Naruto chuckled.

"Now, you have a problem against doing stuff while in a relationship," Sai muttered, innocently, but Naruto suddenly got uncomfortable.

"I always did. I didn't cheat, Sai. I told you that."

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

"How long until we get there?" Shikamaru asked.

"Ten more minutes."

"There is a sea," Chino chirped when he saw the beach past by. "We should have gone there."

"I am not in the mood for the beach," Naruto looked at me. So he avoided the sea for my sake? He remembered that I am not fond of it? That made me feel good. Maybe if he had known I am not fond of sports either…

"Seven dudes alone on their way to the beach; sausage fest much?" Aburame finally talked. I had almost forgotten he was there.

Sai leaned over again, and began to whisper in my ear, "I'm open for threesomes."

God! God! God! God! When was that day going to fucking end?! Someone get that pervert away from me!

"Sai, I am going to spank you," Naruto joked. "Stop whispering these things to Sasuke. I can hear."

"Now, I want to whisper more things. I bet a spanking from you would feel good Naruto. I am hard just thinking about."

"Stop the fucking car!" Kiba snaps. "It's in my side! It's in my side, Sai! Jesus!"

"Do you want to switch seats with me Kiba?" Shikamaru asked.

"Yes."

A few minutes later, Shikamaru was sitting next to me, trying to tame Sai. I had always thought Naruto led the group, but now I realize Nara does, but very subtly. I could hear him clearly whispering advice in Sai's ears, trying to get him to understand that not everyone got that he was joking. So Sai was joking? Strange sense of humor. But still, I would have guessed that Kiba would be more confortable around him.

When we get out of the car, Sai immediately went to the bathroom (I wonder if his feelings were hurt?) and Kiba headed towards the administration desk to reserve a field and get the balls. They decided to try soap soccer first.

"What is this place? And what is soap soccer?" I asked Naruto.

"You've never been to one of these places before? You pay some money to reserve space for an hour or so to play football, tennis, or whatever else you want. They are the only ones in Konoha who have inflatable soap soccer fields though. It is so much fun, but we would be covered in soap bubbles by the end of the game. Basically, it is like an inflated trampoline, filled with soap. You try to score."

"It sounds like a lot of touching and falling down."

"It's safe."

"What's with Kiba and Sai?"

He hesitated for a second before telling me, "They used to be fine, until Kiba got drunk one night and let Sai blow him, and since then he had been extra super sensitive to gay stuff. I think he liked it. I don't think he believes in bisexuality much, so he is probably worried he's gay or something. When I told him about you, he kept asking if I was gay now?" Naruto chuckled. "He is still not very comfortable with the sexuality issue."

"But he likes Hinata?"

"That's why he is more confused. And Sai can be too pervy sometimes. He is just joking though. My grand dad is exactly the same way, just straight."

"Your grand dad?"

"Adoptive. You'll meet him soon."

"You're dad is adopted? Or is it your mother?"

"Dad."

"So how come he owns the company and not his father?"

"My dad's parents died when he was 15, and left him the fortune. Pervy grand pa was a family friend and became his guardian. He adopted him when he was 17."

"I see."

"Does you dad talk about it much?"

"He talks about it enough. He is older now. It is not a sensitive topic anymore."

"Naruto, I am afraid I suck at sports," I admitted.

"Just stick to me," he smiled.

Three hours later, I had a broken nose, a very sore ass, and a blue eye from the fight.


	30. Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sunday, September 16, 2012

My nose doesn't hurt anymore but my eyes still are black and blue. I really love painkillers. If I was like Sai, I would want to blow the guy who invented them. He is awesome. I feel like I am on a bed of clouds. I'll go take another one…

Anyway, I didn't expect it to turn out this bad yesterday. I should have seen the signs though. I was an idiot. I remember as I was taking off my shoes to get into the inflatable field, Shikamaru was on the phone with someone. His face was twisting as if in distress, and I could hear the other person's voice, or screams, from five meters away. I figured someone was very angry and will probably end up with a sore throat.

Naruto tapped Shikamaru on the back, asking if he was okay, and Shikamaru whispered something I couldn't hear back. I didn't think much of it at the time. Two hours later, I saw Temari storming towards the field. I was sitting outside, under a tree (I had enough of falling on my ass, so I was resting), so thankfully I wasn't the first to blow up on. Instead she clashed with Naruto. I was keeping my distance (she looked very intimating and I had the feeling I would get punched if she saw me), so I wasn't able to hear everything clearly, but I heard "Asshole", "Jerk", "Make it right!" and "Fucking up her life" very clearly. I wanted to go stand by his side. She really looked as if she would have gone off on him physically if Shikamaru hadn't been holding her back. Yet if she was reacting this way just because they were going out with me, I figured seeing me would tip her over the edge.

A, Shit. My nose is bleeding again.

Suddenly, she spotted me, and dashed towards me, but Shikamaru held her back. She was shouting so many insults; it was really hard to make up complete sentences. Then she just about elbowed him, pushed me into the tree, and slugged me in the face as if she was Mohamed Ali. I fell to the ground, and then she kicked me in the ribs.

A second later, the guys were over her trying to pull her off of me. On her way out, she slapped Naruto maybe three times, if not more. He did have scratches when it was over. Anyway, Shikamaru just about dragged her away, and out of sight. She really has some severe anger problems (which Sai later told me she had gone to group therapy for.)

Sai was the first to run back towards me to ask if I am alright. He helped me off the ground, and pressed his hand against my chest to make sure I didn't have any broken bones (or probably just to feel me up). I didn't mind my injuries; Naruto was the one I was worried about. He was standing a few meters away from me, looking as if he had just scene a ghost, hands trembling, and irresponsive.

"Naruto, are you okay?"

He didn't answer me back.

"Naruto."

He still didn't answer, so I looked up at his friends. They all appeared somewhat disturbed, and quickly avoided my eye contact. Sai was the only one who kept eye contact with me.

"What's wrong?" I put my hand on his shoulder, and he shied away from my touch. "Baby."

"Your nose is bleeding," he said it with some shock in his voice, as if he hadn't noticed it before. He reached out, and patted me on the back. I would have expected a hug, but he suddenly seemed very cold.

Shikamaru returned a few minutes later, holding his palm in his other hand. "She almost slammed the door on me," he whispered to Chouji. He then gave me a weird look, "Did you hear what she said?"

"Not really. What did she say?"

He opened his mouth to talk, before Naruto interrupted him, "I'll tell him."

He pulled me softly by one of my fingers, until we were standing out of earshot of the guys. He stared at me face as if he wanted to cry, almost desperately. "She was screaming that Sakura might be-"

"I don't want to know," I shook my head. I surprised him. I surprised myself. I just didn't want to hear something that could be the end of us. If I had, I would have fallen apart. It is unfair to have so much going against us and beating us down in such a short amount of time.

We didn't talk about it any further. I went to the campus clinic, and they prescribed me some pain medication. Which is nice, because now I pop one whenever I am start freaking out, and then I stop freaking out and this sweet drowsy feeling take me over. I think I might over dose if I keep it up though, but it will at least keep me from giving in and calling Naruto to ask about what she had said.

I am so thirty but it is such a long way to the bathroom.


	31. Monday, September 17, 2012

Monday, September 17, 2012

I have had a headache all day but I decided I should stay clear of pain meds. I don't want to have another yesterday and start downing pills like tictacs. Apparently I don't have as much restraint as I thought but tomorrow is a different day, right?

Thankfully, the initial shock has worn off. So Sakura could be pregnant... At least I assume that is what Naruto was about to say. I wonder if it just a lie to get Naruto back. He is not a jerk, he would go back for a child's sake. But he doesn't need to go back to her. He can still be in the baby's life and be with me. I'm being optimistic, I guess.

Naruto slept yesterday at his dorm room. On one side, I'm glad he didn't see me on a dark day, but I have messed him a lot.

I spent all the day reading 50 shades of grey after seeing Kakashi and going to class. If I can't stop obsessing then I should drown myself in a safe and reasonable guilty pleasure rather than a self-destructive one. These are Kakashi's words verbatim. I am glad I finally met that flake!

Actually I wouldn't have met with him if it weren't for Itachi. He called me yesterday and noticed that my voice was strange. He asked me if everything was all right and I told him yes (I didn't want him interfering like last time). Ten minute later, he showed up at my room. If only I could date someone like Itachi, I wouldn't have to suffer every couple of days. I just realized what I wrote. I think I should discuss it with Kakashi; I must be loosing my mind.

Itachi freaked out at my swollen face and the fact that I was just about high on pain meds. He called Kakashi and insisted he meets with me first thing in the morning today.

The session with Kakashi was productive, I'd say. The second I walked in, I had an angry wave gush over me. He is my therapist. He should've been there rather than tanning his ass off on a beach somewhere! He didn't look tanned though.

The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Did you have fun with your boyfriend?!"

He looked shocked, with both his eyebrows raised, "Sit down first Sasuke. You look stressed."

"I _am_ stressed."

"I apologize for not being here. My husband and I were on our honeymoon," he commented. "I usually don't like sharing personal details during the session, though."

"Is the fact that Naruto used to see you also personal information?" I frowned.

"No, but it is privileged information. I wouldn't have told him if he was in your position either."

"Did you see our photo?"

"It was hard not to. I've also seen his video."

I began to tell him about everything that had happened. He just nodded and showed no reaction, until I talked about the pills. Which he then told me to just avoid for now, since my restraint is weakened because of the stress.

He then suggested I move back with my dad!

"No fucking way!"

"You need someone to keep an eye on you. You said it yourself: you are afraid you would self destruct."

"I don't want to be around me dad willingly."

"You have to learn to give people a chance."

"Why were you running out of the office last time?" I change the topic.

"A patient was in a critical situation and I needed to be at her side," he stared at me waiting for me to talk about my dad again. I don't want to go stay with him! I am glad I'm at my dorm room.

"Maybe you could stay with your brother."

"No."

"Hn. May I ask why?"

"I don't want to look desperate."

He then did what I thought no therapist could do, "you _are_ desperate."

What kind of therapist says that?!

"Sasuke, if you can't help yourself, you have to seek help from those around you. It's normal."

"I'm seeking help from you. Can I seek help from you?"

"Yes, Sasuke, you can. But it's different."

"I need your help. I need you to tell me something."

He pursed his lips, "Which is?"

"Can I trust Naruto?"

"Why are you asking me that? And why now?"

"Because you were his therapist."

"That wasn't my question. Do you not trust Naruto?"

"I'm asking you if I should or shouldn't?"

"You should be the judge of that."

"There is so much going on, if he is not into this relationship 100%, then we won't be able to make it through. And now Sakura is pregnant…"

"But you don't know for sure that she is."

"What else could have finished the sentence, "Sakura might be…""

"Sakura might be traveling. Sakura might be doing drugs. Sakura might be stripping in lesbian club," he smiled.

"Do you think so?"

"Stripping in a lesbian club? Perhaps. She can make good money."

"No, do you think she is not pregnant?"

"Sasuke, I am not her vagina. You should ask Naruto what she told him."

"But what if I ask him, and it's something that will destroy our relationship."

"Not knowing will save the relationship?"

"No, but it will delay my heart ache."

"Sasuke, you don't have much trust in Naruto?"

"Should I?"

"You are insisting that I give you an answer. I can't do that."

"Why not?!"

He took a deep sigh, before sitting up, "Our time is up. I will call your brother and recommend you stay with him."

"You can't do that."

"I can if you are a danger to yourself, or you could just tell him you'll stay with him and look after him because of his recent injuries," he smiled.

I glared at him as I stood up readying myself to leave. "You boyfriend must really hate the fact that you-"

"Are always right?" He finished my sentence, although I was going to say 'think you are a know it all'. "He does. He really does."

Right now, I'm sitting waiting for Itachi to come pick me up to go stay with him. I wish my father would give me my car back, instead of having me treat Itachi as my personal driver. I'm thinking about calling Naruto, but I think I should do it with Itachi so I would have someone to pick up my pieces once the it's over.


	32. Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I used to think my mom was overprotective and smothering. USED TO. Now that I have dealt with Itachi, my mom is nothing compared to him.

I never knew that Itachi was the perfect housewife. He is always cleaning, dusting, baking, and cooking. He cooked roasted chicken today and pasta. I never heard of a bachelor who can cook this good. I never heard of a bachelor who doesn't eat noodles and pizza for all three meals. I might get used to this. He might not be able to get me to leave after this is over. That wouldn't be too bad would it? Naruto is always telling me how skinny I am and advising me to eat better. Itachi is good for my health. But then the pounds might start piling on. God, I would make the worst husband. The kind of husband who sits on his ass all day long watching TV and stuffing his face. No, no, I would surely look after Itachi and my own health… Again, I just realized what I said. Naruto and his dad crush are rubbing on me.

On the bad side, he checks on me every five minutes. He even knocks the door and asks me if I'm alright every time I'm in the bathroom. The most irritating thing is that at one point he asked me if I needed help. In the bathroom. Help? With what? But it's his place so I shouldn't complain, should I?

Honestly, I kept wondering all day how someone successful, good-looking, and basically the whole package, can still be single. Then I thought maybe it was all these things; people are intimated by his success or family name. Or maybe he doesn't have time to date, but I doubt that. He always has time to drive me around and check on me. Now that I think of it, he would be perfect for Kevin. They are both caring and trust worthy. Kevin… It was so hectic lately; I haven't had any chance to think about him. I wonder if he is doing alright.

But then...

I was sitting in the kitchen eating more vanilla ice-cream (Itachi made it from scratch to go with the molten chocolate cake he baked) when Hidan stopped by to visit. I hate him most when it comes to Itachi's friends. I honestly do. He is arrogant and pseudo religious but only when it serves his interest. And worse of all, for someone who is gay, he says the most homophobic things ever. I heard him tell Kisame once that he should shut up and let the tops talk.

"Hello twerp," he came in grinning at me. "Any new photos? I am getting bored of jerking off to the same old photo, even though you are not half bad looking with a hand down your pants."

"I'm going to my room," I left immediately to avoid snapping. As I was leaving, I heard Itachi say something to him; probably standing up for me.

Anyway a few minutes, I was about to go out of my room, when I noticed Hidan's arm around Itachi. He was kissing his neck and cheek, while Itachi was shying away, whispering something about how I brother was in the next room. Not Hidan! No! I couldn't help but think he deserves so much better than that chump. He is better single than attached to that condescending idiot. If things came down to it, I would try and get him to see Kakashi too.

Thirty minutes later, = the surprise boyfriend left. I walked out, with whole dialogue prepared in my mind, in attempts to be subtle but manage to get to the bottom of it.

"Itachi…"

"Sasuke."

"Itachi," he smiled at him cutely. Yes, break the ice with my cute little brother move. Naruto says I'm cute, so I must be cute, right?

He smiled back, "Yes, little brother."

"You'd say we have grown closer the last month, wouldn't you say?"

"Yes. I'm glad we did."

"I told you about Naruto and my personal life."

"You did."

"But, I am sort of selfish. I'm always talking and you are listening. I never give you a chance to talk about you life."

"My life is not very eventful."

"Maybe, but it would sooth my conscious if you tell me about it. Like for instance, when did you learn baking?"

"Since I was ten. Remember, I used to bake your birthday cakes."

"We didn't buy them from bakeries?"

"Not really."

"They were really good," I froze for a second. Maybe he had been telling me stuff all along. Maybe I was just the one who had shut himself up and hence, couldn't see anything outside of interests. "Did you use to cook too?"

"Only when the cook was on vacation."

"That wasn't mom's cooking."

"Mom doesn't cook Sasuke. She even burns omelets."

I was starting to get the feeling that Itachi had been the one who raised me up.

"Did you ever change my diapers?"

He raised both eyebrows, "I was too young. But I did change your bed sheets."

I was getting distracted from my goal. I had to push back my curiosity about our childhood until I figured more about his new boyfriend. "How many boyfriends did you have?"

"Are you really interested in knowing?"

"Yes."

"Four."

"How come I've never seen any of them? How long were you together?"

"Two years, three years, eighteen months, and two months."

"These were serious." The shock in my voice wasn't well hidden. How could he have gone into all these long-term relationships without me noticing.

"Maybe not, in retrospect. I was too young for some of them."

"How come I never met any of your boyfriends?"

"Well, I wasn't out when I was with my first boyfriend. You knew him though-"

"Don't tell me, it's-"

"Yes."

"I thought you were guys were just friends."

"I was not out yet," he repeated. "Neither was he."

Then it hit me; Itachi had always been going around making my life easier. He was the one who came first to my dad. The initial intolerance, the shock, the rejection, the denial, and the attempts to change him. My dad's policies had never been gay friendly until recently. How come I had forgotten all these things? It must have been horrible for him. I can't imagine handling my dad without a buffer.

"How did it end?"

"You don't remember?"

"I don't remember much… apparently."

"Dad caught us, and forbid me from seeing him for a while. It was a big problem at home then. I threatened to leave once, but I was seventeen, what did I know about being on my own."

"How about your second boyfriend?"

He smiled at me, "I don't like talking about him."

"I see."

He then nodded as if he suddenly decided to tell me, "He was my college sweet heart, and I was out of dad's sight and supervision. He was a lot like Naruto, when I think about it. I was a lot like you."

"What do you mean?"

"He was charming. I could never tell him no."

"You think I can't tell Naruto no?"

"You can't tell Naruto no, but it's okay. You're in that phase of the relationship, you'll move past it and you'll start to realize that he needs to deserve you."

I do think Naruto deserves me. He had mended his ways, and most of our problems are external now. Even thought he hadn't called me yet… Why haven't he called me yet?

"Is that what happened to you?"

"No, I had to hit rock bottom before I wised up."

"You? Rock bottom? That sounds like an exaggeration. You wouldn't do anything wrong?"

"You think so?"

"Yeah. You are like Mr. Perfect."

"I'm glad you think that way, but I'm not perfect. I've done a lot of bad things."

"Like forgetting to tips your waiter?" I joked. "Maybe burning a cake or adding to much Jalapeno to the enchilada? C'mon, your grades were always perfect."

"Yeah," he chuckled, looking away.

"No, seriously, what did you do?"

"How can I tell you now that you think I'm perfect? I don't want to ruin my perfect old brother imagine."

"Nothing you could tell me, could make me think of you any less.

"We did some stuff without protection." He bit his lip.

"That's not so bad. He was your boyfriend."

He stared at me somewhat frustrated, as if he had wanted me to get the hint and understand, rather than put him through the ordeal of telling me.

"Oh. Oh!" Did he mean threesomes and gang bangs?! I cringed. I still do when I think about him doing these sorts of things.

"He said it was normal to be a little adventures, and that we were too young to act like a married couple. At first I didn't want to loose him so I tried some stuff as careful as I can be, but then I started to become desensitized to it all."

"Are you…"

"No. Thankfully."

"I did a lot of drugs back then. I drank a lot too," he sighed. "He was bad for me, but it wasn't his fault. He was doing it to himself too. I wasn't any help."

My jaw fell, but I did my best to keep a straight face. I didn't want him to shut down. "And dad didn't notice?"

"I was good at hiding it at first. Like you said, I kept my grades up. I had so much energy. I was good at making excuses, and bargaining with professors. I knew I needed to be, if I wanted him to keep supporting me and my habit. Whenever I came to visit home, I made sure I looked presentable. I made sure I didn't talk too fast. I had my excuse ready for when my mom asks why I keep skipping meals. I always had a concealer and Visine in my pocket. If I couldn't pull myself together in time, I made an excuse about a mid term or a paper I needed to write so I wouldn't have to see them."

All that was happening? All that was happening and we weren't there for him. And it we didn't notice it. "When was rock bottom?"

He smiled softy, yet sadly at me, "It was all rock bottom. I could have destroyed my political future, my future in general, or father's career. It was summer once; I had to drive you back from your French course. You were 13 or 14 and sleeping next to me, when I stopped by my dealer."

I couldn't believe it. I still can't. Imagining Itachi as an addict is almost intolerable and inconceivable.

"But I'm better now," he stated. "I pulled my life back together. I'm proud of that."

"Does Mom and Dad know?"

"When I couldn't help myself, I asked them for it. Dad was really there for me. He's not a bad person. He always wants to help, he just helps the wrong way sometimes."

"What happened to your ex?"

"I don't know. We went different ways. I requested help, while he refused it. We couldn't be around each other anymore."

I nodded, before trying to change the topic, in attempts to show that I wasn't shaken and in awe. "How about your third boyfriend?"

"The total opposite. Very safe. Very reserved. Very old. Very Sean Connery. Very secretive. He knew a lot everything about everything. Just what I needed then. But he too old, too safe, too reserved, too secretive. It didn't work out."

"And your fourth… and current, maybe?" I smiled, hinting.

"Yahiko. He is-"

"Not Hidan?"

"No. No," he narrowed his eyebrows, in confusion. "You thought I was with Hidan?"

"I saw him kissing you."

"You saw him trying to kiss me, and getting pushed away. He gets bored and amuses himself with others."

"Why are you friends with that prick? I hate him."

"He's manageable. But Yahiko is really nice. Its too early, but he might be the only one I want introduce to dad and mom," he smiled.

I am so happy for him; 60% because he found someone, 40% because that one wasn't Hidan.

11:00 PM

Naruto just called. After two days. After two days of just messaging me "how is your nose" and "how are you today". I had thought he'd call earlier, so I really wanted to curse him out, but I decided that I might have been going through a lot. I don't know what's the deal with Sakura yet, so I can't make judgments yet.

We talked for about two minutes, before someone began yelling his name. He told me he will call again tomorrow morning.


	33. Friday, September 21, 2012

Friday, September 21, 2012

I was wearing my denims with Naruto yesterdau and we were running back from campus to his dorm. I kept touching my pocket to make sure that my everything was still in there, but at one point he began to kiss me passionately. Somehow, dumb me forgot all about Journal afterwards. My feet couldn't hold me up literally. That man has a hold me!

Anyway, we got to his dorm room and he peeled my clothes off easily, and tossed them all over the place. In the back on my mind, I kept thinking I should check to make my mobile was still in my pocket, but he moved down to my nipples and immediately I went blank. When we are done, after white calm haze faded, I began to look for my clothes. I found my pants, and reached in… Everything there except the Journal. Shit!

Anyway, I started to freak out. It has a lot of sensitive information, and even a lot of details about my brother's history. That could easily come back to hunt my family. My baby kept trying to calm me down, and began to look for it with me. It wasn't anywhere in his dorm. I started loosing hope quickly; we had walked all over the place and it would be virtually impossible to find it, or at least I believe so. But he dragged me about and we began to retrace our steps. Nothing at all. We went back to his dorm room. I wanted to cry but I didn't; it would have killed me if I had caused my family more humiliation. I kept sniffling and rubbing my eyes. Anyway, Naruto put me to sleep, and I saw him sneak out. I waited for a couple of minutes and then followed after him (I'll explain why later), and then discovered he had just gone out to look for the journal again. I'm a horrible boyfriend; I expected the worse out of him and meanwhile he was trying to take away something that was causing me pain.

I quickly returned to the room and pretended to sleep as he sneaked in. He hadn't found it either, I could tell.

Anyhow, I woke up today, and decided that I should tell Itachi. I didn't want him to be sucker punched with news about him; and I honestly believe it would happen sooner or later. I was so anxious about it, I couldn't even eat breakfast. But later during the day, after I was almost done with my classes, I decided to go eat something (I was getting nauseous and light headed). I went from some pizza, and on my way out I saw a homeless man sitting there reading my journal. My freaking Journal!

My jaw dropped. How can someone just read someone else's private thoughts in public like that?! I made my way around him to take a closer look at the contents just to make sure it was mine. It was.

"Excuse me."

He waved me away with his hands. The homeless man shushed me. I was shushed by a homeless man who was reading my private thoughts. That must be what hell I like. At least he looked absorbed in my writing. Well, I hope he was enjoying my mystery and my heartache. Maybe I should have written in the cover warning him that I was of the boy love genre.

"This is my journal," I stated.

That got his attention. He looked up at me, and then back at the words. "Are you saying this is your diary?"

"Journal," I corrected. "And yes."

I was ready to offer him money, but I thought if I offered it first, he'd might figure out how important it is to me and start blackmailing me or something.

"So if I ask you anything about what is in there you'll know?" He asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Yes. My name is Sasuke Uchiha. You probably saw it written in there many times."

He licked his lips as if he was not convinced, "take a seat."

He pointed at a carton spread on the ground. I wasn't going to fucking sit on carton on the ground. Anyway passing by from my university would recognize me, and recognize I was the guy with Naruto in the video, and the son of the freaking governor.

"I prefer to stand."

"Fine, I guess it might not be yours after all."

I gritted my teeth and sat on the stinky carton, already deciding to burn my pants the minute I go home. I don't mean to be condescending, but he kept scratching his hair, and I don't need lice. I don't look good bold.

"So," he sipped from a soup can. "Was Sakura pregnant?"

"I didn't write if she was in the journal."

"Answer my question if you want your journal back."

"You just said 'your'."

"It looks like you don't want it."

"No, she wasn't pregnant."

"Then what was the problem?"

"Naruto said she wanted to drop out of school and she cutting herself," I couldn't believe I was going along with this questions. "And she threatened to hurt herself seriously that day. It's over now. He talked to her and they got her help."

"The day you were punched?"

"Yes. See, my nose. Do you need any more proof?"

"I don't trust that guy, Naruto. He is selfish."

He was right but it was none of his business. "I didn't ask for your opinion."

"He doesn't look like he know what he wants. He only wants what he can't get, and attention," he stated. "You deserve better, but you need to take more care of how you look."

The advice would have had more punch if he wasn't wearing an old rag around his neck as a scarf, and if he trimmed his nails once in a while. "Appreciated. Can I have my journal back now?"

He shook his head, "You don't have any self confidence. That's dangerous when dating. You'll settle for person who treats you horrible just because you can't stand up for yourself or appreciate yourself, son."

My jaw dropped once again. "You don't know anything about me."

"I know you let go of someone who cared about you, the guy Kevin, for the sake of a guy who had convinced your friends you stalk him. Someone who didn't call you even when you had your nose broken for his sake. I don't know about romance these days, but sometimes I push my cartwheel all the way up town just to see J go to work in the morning."

"What? Who is J?"

"My ex," he sighed. Now I was asking him questions? "I used to be a different person. I gambled too much."

"You still love him?"

"Yes. But this is not important anymore. I can't show him my face like that; not when I am a beggar and not what he suffered because of me. Anyway, what I am saying is; if he loved you truly, he would have reached for the stars if you asked for them."

"He came to see me at my dorm on Wednesday. I just… I had already moved in with my brother. Plus, I didn't call him either."

Great, now I was defending Naruto in front of the homeless man.

He sighed as if I was a lost cause. "Don't do the same mistake as your brother. You can't love someone who is bad for you."

"Give me my journal now."

He nodded, a little frustrated, before handing me the journal.

I pulled some money out of my wallet and tried to give it to him, but he waved me away, as if he was feeling sorry for me.

"I just have one question before you go."

I didn't say yes, but he asked the question anyway.

"Can you really ever trust him?"

I continued to walk away. I didn't answer him, but the question kept replaying back in my mind. Would I ever truly trust Naruto? I love him a lot. But I always doubt if he loves me back. I always doubt if he will be there for me in the future.

"Maybe you should read his new-year's message," he continued.

I shouldn't.

Anyway, today I went back and Itachi was with his boyfriend. He is so hot. So hot, words can't describe. And I like him. I usually hate everyone Itachi knows, but just like Kevin, I really like the guy. He is funny, but not in goofy way. He is confident but not in a douchebag way. And he hates Hidan too! I could tell. Every time the Hidan was mentioned, he would roll his eyes. Good. Good. I like him.

I am not sure if he liked me back though. It seemed that Itachi told him a lot about me, and I had always been bad to Itachi. He must have a bad image of me. I'm willing to fix that.

Anyway, I told Itachi about the tattoo I wanted to get, and since then I have received about three emails with links to websites talking about the bad side of getting a tattoo. His tattoo-covered friend "happened" to stop by and told me all about how tattoo were bad for his life. I assume Itachi was forcing him to say those things because he actually looked very fond of his tattoos. Usually, Itachi just says things subtly, and lets me decide… It is strange from him to go all out like that. I guess he really doesn't want me to get a tattoo.

I'm on my way to Kakashi right now, although I sort of feel like I've already had a therapy session with that homeless man. I feel bad for him, somehow. He sounded like he really regretted losing his ex. I would have figured the ex would still support him and help him back onto his feet. I felt a lot was left untold.

I'm not in a bad mood today. Strangely. I'm relieved I found my journal. And Yes, I don't have lice!


	34. Sunday, September 23, 2012

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Naruto bought me a new diary- Journal yesterday. He had my initials etched on it too. I guess I forgot to tell him I found my diary after all. I decided to go along with it, for some reason. To tell him that I hadn't found it (Actually I just didn't reveal that I found it rather than announce I didn't). The reason is a mystery to me as well; I'm not a lair by nature, but perhaps it was pay back for all the secrets he keeps on me. Wrong and immoral, I think. It is a slippery slope, and turning into a phony is not something I could have ever wished upon myself.

Anyway, I slept over last night at his dorm room, regardless of Itachi's disapproval. His friends are even less friendly than they used to be, but at least they are not being rude bluntly. Possibly, it is their loyalty to Sakura that is keeping them for getting closer to me, and their loyalty to Naruto that is keeping them for punching my face in. Sai is the only friendly one, and constantly talks about "gay power" and how us "girls" should stick together. I usually go with it, but I don't see how being gay makes me a girl. I don't have a vagina or even man boobs, and I don't know any girls who have a penis. Still, he is not giving me what I call the "concrete" face the others constantly give me, so I guess I should appreciate him. Shikamaru is the only I can't read.

Naruto gave me head for the first time last night, too. I can't describe how good it was. It was so good. So good. Oh, so fucking good! Ah, his mouth! His tongue! He denies it, but I'm pretty sure he had some experience doing it. I'm sure of it. He knew what he was doing. I should believe him; Naruto never lies about his sexual adventures. But… so fucking amazing.

That put me right to sleep. When I woke up today, he had already left with his friends to go mountain climbing. He had asked me to go with him earlier, but since I don't want to get trapped between two rocks and start drinking my own pee to survive, I told him I'd rather just hang with Itachi. Anyway, it hadn't been five minutes after I was awake, and Sai storms into the room. Immediately he starts raving about how great it was going to be for us to hang together all day, and how he had so many plans for us.

Now, I wasn't in the mood to be molested, so I told him I had plans with my brother (and made it obvious he was not invited). But when I called Itachi, he was chuckling like a teenage girl, I could hear his boyfriend in the background, as well as sucking sounds; If I had went back to his place right then, I am pretty sure I would've seen something I could never erase from my memory.

As I am on the phone, I look up at Sai. He was so eager and I had nothing else to do. So….

"What kind of plans did you have for us?" I asked him, as I hung up.

"Gay Konoha."

"You take the gay thing too seriously," I whisper under my breath.

"You are not taking advantage of it. Have you been to any gay bars?"

"Not my scene, and I'm not looking for hook ups. I have Naruto."

He gave me a bizarre look as if I was talking in tongues, "You don't need to hook up with someone. Just hang out with my friends and I. We could go shopping now, and find nice outfits for the evening. You have a nice ass, it doesn't show in the rags you wear."

"M-my a- I don't wear rags."

"You are always wearing black I noticed. You have a nice complexion. You would look much better in brighter colors."

"Don't tell me you are the one who encourages Naruto to wear orange."

"No, I tried to set his wardrobe on fire before, but Shikamaru stopped me and accused me of Pyromania. I just call it good sense in fashion. Maybe we could buy him something while we're out."

So, two hours later, I was walking around carrying five bags full of shit he made me buy. I don't know what possessed me to give in; I am never going to wear skinny jeans with rips under my ass, or see through fish net shirts. I'm starting to believe I might be a push over.

Anyway, at one point, we passed by the homeless man who found my diary. He kept ogling at me, and I kept pretending not to notice. We walked past him, and into a few shops before Sai remembered a pair of shoes that would suit me perfectly he saw a couple of shops before. He started to walk back across the street, as I followed him with two more bags of shit he made me buy. Voila! The homeless man is staring at me again. Creepy, and I don't feel the need to greet the homeless man just because we have a two minute conversation a couple of days ago. I wasn't going to.

Finally we find the shoes, but Sai decided that he preferred to go back to the other shop because it had a wider variety. So I passed by the homeless man yet again, and he was still staring!

Suddenly, I gave up. I dropped the seven bags on the ground, and decided that I've had enough. My arms were aching and my pants were giving me a wedgie and I needed to pee! The homeless man walked up to me, and said, "You dropped your bags."

I freaking know I dropped my bags!

"They're heavy."

"Shouldn't you be more happy shopping? I know I was happy when I found the last ryo to buy this apple today."

I stared at him for a second realizing how unfortunate his life was and how selfish I was to get annoyed over my silly and trivial problems.

"Sasuke, why did you stop?" Sai butts in, and put a some money into the man's cup.

"My legs hurt and I'm thirsty."

"Okay, wait for me. I'll go back and get us something to drink."

I sighed and nodded. Sai did have more stamina than I could have guessed. But he wasn't the one carrying the seven bags after all.

"A new friend?" The homeless man asked me.

"Naruto's friend."

"And where is Naruto?"

I looked away. I could tell he was going to start criticizing Naruto, and I was already on edge. "Why do you have it out for him? If he was here, instead of me, he would've probably said hi two hours ago, and took you home with him, gave you fresh clothes and a hot meal, and maybe even cut your hair and nails himself."

"Philanthropy is selfish."

"And without it, where would you be?"

"I'm not saying it is bad or that it is unneeded, just selfish."

"Okay," I sighed again, and crack my neck.

"Do you want an apple?" He offered.

"It's yours."

"I can always get another one. You look tired."

"Did you say you almost couldn't afford it? Plus philanthropy is selfish," I teased.

He took a bite on it, "Whatever suits you. Anything new with Sakura?"

"No. It has been going well."

"Too well?"

"Sai is back," I stated, before getting up and walking towards Sai. I could've waiting for him to come over, but I didn't want to stay with the homeless man too long.

Anyway, right now, I'm getting dressed for the gay bar. Naruto called, and said that he might be able to meet us there.


	35. Monday, September 24, 2012

Monday, September 24, 2012

Today, I returned home to Itachi at 5 am, drying heaving, stumbling, with slurred speech and an overly friendly personality. Which might have not been the best idea especially after his confession about his past a few days ago.

I don't remember what I did exactly, but according to Sai I really let go after just one drink. Apparently, I'm a light weight. I began to hug him and tell him that he is my best friend and that I love his sense in fashion (I'm guessing he made that part up). I also climbed on the bar and danced with the Gogo dancers (which would explain the ripped buttons on my shirt). God! My head hurts so much now. I'll never drink again. Not ever.

Itachi has been very nice about it so far, but I can tell he is freaking out internally. I'm his responsibility after all. He has been on the phone with his boyfriend all day (I'm glad he has someone who is supportive). Honestly, I've been noticing how dependent they are on each other since I learnt that he has a boyfriend. I wonder how I missed the signs before and all the whispering and flirting on the phone. I like there relationship. I hope one day I can have a relationship like this with Naruto. I think he carried me to bed with Itachi last night. On that note, did Itachi take my pants off? Or did I take them off when stripping? Oh God! Please! I had bad underwear on.

Back to the events of last night, I guess Naruto didn't show up after all. It is a little upsetting. I would have thought he would have showed up just to make sure I'm not hooking up with anyone else or no other guy is touching me. But I guess I might lop it on the fact that he trusts me and that his other friends might have not wanted to go to a gay bar. Maybe he didn't either. He is not strictly gay after all, although Naruto doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would shy away from these situation. In fact, I think he would have loved it. He is mad hot and all the guys would have been crushing and hitting on him. On second thought, I'm glad he didn't show up. I would have been jealous beyond believe.

I wish I could remember how I was yesterday clearly. My memory is still fuzzy. I can't imagine myself letting go and being unguarded. For one night I was like Naruto I guess. I like the thought of that.

I told Kakashi about that. We had a phone session today (requested by Itachi). He then asked me why I don't like myself the way I am. I don't? I never knew I didn't like myself. Maybe I don't. I just think I'm too... Vanilla. No, pistachio. No, what ice cream flavor described me? I'm different just not in a way many people would enjoy. I am not horrible though. I don't think I'm horrible. He recommended I read my journal again, as a reader rather than the author.

5:00 PM

Naruto called and asked me if I had fun. I told him yes and the fact that I like Sai's friends (or at least what I remember about them). He sounded a little surprised as if he had thought I wouldn't get a long with them.

"Really?"

"Yeah. They are funny and friendly. Or maybe it was just the alcohol."

"Sasuke dancing on a bar. I shouldn't have missed that. But I'm spanking you next time I see you."

I chuckled, "Spank me?"

"Yes. Your body is for my eyes online."

"Possessive much?" I pretended to be upset buy I liked it. He was jealous after all. "Plus if you had been there, I would have given you a lap dance, instead of random strangers."

"Lap dances? You lap danced In front of others?"

"Are you shocked because I lap danced or because it was in front of others?"

"I've been shocked through out this whole conversation."

"Everything?"

"Yup. Sai is bad influence. I like you all mine."

"Friendless you mean?" I joked, but then he answered-

"Preferably."

"That was awfully honest of you."

"Just kidding."

"Are you?"

"Of course I'm kidding. I want you to have friends, just don't like them more than you like me."

"I don't like you very much most of the time."

He froze, "I sense some passive aggressive energy. I was just joking."

"Why didn't you come yesterday?"

"I had other stuff to do."

"You never have any other stuff to do when you're coming over for sex."

"Are we having this conversation?"

"I think we are."

Things started to get tense. I tried to keep my voice normal so it wouldn't look like I want to fight, but his "no friends" jokes, irked me a little. I'm not his puppy dog (Right then I remembered one of Sai's friends making that joke). I don't follow him around the house and when he is out, I wait by the door till he comes back.

"I'll be there next time you decide to go bar hopping."

"Why weren't you there this time?"

"I don't like Sai's crowd."

"You don't have to. I was there. Am I not enough?"

He hesitated as if he had wanted to say something and then decided against it, "You sound like just Sakura now."

"Ow. Maybe she had a point. You don't sacrifice much for the person you are with."

"Sasuke, you know very well, I sacrificed a lot to be with you. And I don't blame you for it, but don't say I do anything for you."

"You did it for you, Naruto. You liked me back. It wasn't charity."

"You know what I mean, Sasuke. And now I'm telling you, next time I'll go with you."

"It is not about this time only. You always shut me out, and exclude me."

"If you had been close to my friends, you wouldn't have been excluded. But I can't spend all my time with you. I have my work, my family, and my friends. Soon you'll be a part of them and you won't have to be excluded. Please, how am I shutting you out? I told you my past. No one knows about that except Shikamaru and Sakura."

"You make me feel like I'm your puppy dog."

"These are Sai's words, aren't it?"

"No."

"I knew you shouldn't hang out with him."

"They aren't his words, and why Naruto? Am I not allowed to talk to others who might criticize you?"

"I don't treat you as my puppy dog Sasuke, and I am not liking where this is going," his tone was getting more serious. Usually Naruto doesn't get angry, but I think he was already in a bad mood, as if he had already been angry with me.

"I read my journal yesterday. Kakahsi told me to read it, and I did. As a third person reading everything… it is different. I can see things I couldn't see when I was in the situation itself. Even the homeless guy thinks-"

"Are you breaking up with me?"

I paused, and stuttered, "No."

"Then call me when you calm down."

8:00 PM

Naruto called again. I was so upset after the last conversation, but Itachi kept telling me I did the right thing. I trust Itachi so I'll trust his words. Reading my journal… I realized a lot of things. First, my grammar and spelling are far worse than I could have ever expected. Auto correct is ruining people's minds. It is. The second thing, I'm a sucker. Sai's friend said it, the homeless man said it, Kakashi and Itachi did too just not candidly. And Naruto is just so shady… Does he even like me? Am I really his puppy? Maybe he likes that I give all my attention. Maybe he likes that I'm a little easier than a girl when it comes to sucking dick. Maybe he likes that I'm always there when he needs some entertainment, but does he like me? For me? And apparently I'm insecure enough to think: what is there to like?

Anyway, he apologized. He said he was stressed out, and that he is finding it hard to juggle school and work, especially that he has a new professor who refuses to let him pass unless he attends all classes. He always made it work because he didn't need to attend classes to pass. I know that professor and it does sound like him… it just doesn't sound like Naruto would care about that as much as he said he does.

I apologized too, but I told him we needed to talk about these things ago. Have a serious conversation. He told me sure, but then changed the topic quickly. He did it so skillfully, I didn't realize it at the time, but only after we hung up.

I just hope we make it work. Maybe he'll tell me something that unveils some sort of truth that I didn't see before; something that excuses everything does. I don't want to break up. I really like him. I really love him. Just because he might not love me back, doesn't mean I can just push a button and turn my feelings off.

8:30 PM

Sai called me again and asked me if I want to go out. I told him I don't want to go out during weekdays anymore, or do something that I could regret in the future. He told me he sensed from my voice that I was upset. I denied it, but then he said something so peculiar:

"Naruto is not breaking your heart is he? I know that tone of voice."

"No. He is fine."

What did he mean by 'I know that tone of voice'? Did the same thing used to happen to Sakura? They seemed so happy together? But he did dump her for me in one week…


	36. Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Sai called me insisting that we go out today. I wondered how he finds the energy to party all night and then go out early in the morning, at the time. I didn't have a class for the next two hours so I told him no problem as long as we don't go anywhere too far from the campus.

So we went together to a small coffee shop near by. I really like that place, and how it always smells like fresh brewed coffee. He came on time but looked half asleep. I guess he didn't have superhuman energy; he looked like he just wanted to see that I was okay in person. How can I put my feelings about this into words? Bewilderment but content. Still had a lot of doubts. You see, I couldn't wrap my mind about how concerned he was about me. It is normal when Itachi does it, but he was (and is) still relatively a stranger to me. It made me contend, but I wondered if he had an agenda. I knew he doesn't like me more than a friend (he admitted to having feelings for the straight Kiba after a few drinks last time). I was being paranoid. I was and still not used to having friends I guess.

Anyway, he kept eye fucking with a guy across the room until we came upon the topic of his crush on Kiba.

"Do you like Inuzuka?"

"Me?" He smiled. "What makes you think so?"

"You said it yourself after that pink drink and the purple one."

"Ah, I can never hide it. Can I? I like him, but he is so straight. That's the recipe for a heart break right there so I'm trying not to get too attached. But he has a beautiful penis. Just cut and beautiful," he smiles.

"It's all about sex with him?"

"Nah. Sex is important, don't get me wrong. So important. But we've been friends for a couple of years and I know who he is."

"He seems a little homophobic. Maybe he's gay."

"No he is straight. And not homophobic. He was okay with my sexuality until the..." He popped his finger against the corner of his mouth.

"I thought he enjoyed it."

"Lots of straight guys enjoy it when another guy sucks them off. Sasuke, sexuality is not black and white. Most people think it is, but its not."

"He is at least bi."

"I slept with a girl before and enjoyed it. And I'm not bi."

"You slept with a girl?" I could help hide my shock. He is just so... Gay! Ah, now I'm stereotyping.

"What can I say? It was my first time and it was tight and warm and wet."

"I can't hear anymore of this."

"But sex with straight guys is sort of sexy in someway. Something about."

"I still think if they are having sex with you, they're not straight."

He sighed, "I regardless of whatever label you put on Kiba, end point is he is not ready or willing to be with a guy. I've done the "maybe I'll change his mind" wishing game before and it didn't work out. That's why I decided I will only want someone who wants me back," and then he pointed to the guy across the room. "And that's also why I'm going to skip the micro economics class for a glass in MAJOR anatomy with that cute guy eyeing me."

"And Kiba?"

"He is a nice fantasy. Fantasy is the keyword. Now if you'll excuse me, I don't want to be late for class," he got up, winked, and went to the bathroom. One minute later, I saw the other guy sneaking in there too.

I figured I shouldn't be late for class either (even though I was betting my class wouldn't be as much fun as his especially with Professor Browns wool sweater that smells like moth balls). I got up and began walking, passing by the homeless man again. I only smiled at him. I didn't want to, but my face acted on its own. He waved, and then I kept on walking.

On my way back home, I was walking around contemplating the girls fashion on campus (which is wearing nothing) after seeing one girl shamelessly flirt with a professor for a grade bump up, when I passed by the homeless man again. This time I walked over, "do you sleep here?"

"Well, if it gets too hot I go to my beach house," he pointed to a carton next to a puddle. Good to know he still had a sense of humor. "You are probably not interested in my name, but I'm Asuma."

"Nice to meet you," I tossed him an apple I kept in my bag back. "I confronted Naruto."

"And?"

"He changed the topic."

"I see. I would've expected that more than expecting you to confront him in the first place."

"What do you think I should do?"

"I'd say find someone who loves you, but you wouldn't follow that advice."

"I like your therapy more than my therapist's. He's always telling me to figure it out myself."

"That's because this isn't therapy."

"Maybe I should talk to a bartender. They are good listeners."

"If the only one you have to listen to you is a bar tender then you have more problems than you think."

"Thankfully, I'm not a drunk...yet."

"Don't be unless you are into wasting fortunes and beach side houses," he pointed at the carton again.

"You drank?"

"Too much for my good."

"Is that how you lost your boyfriend?"

"I lost him for many reasons. More than I could count but all of them were my fault. It is good he got out though. Dumped me before I could drag him down with me."

"What happened?"

"Like I said. I was spoiled so I drank and gambled. End up cheating and loosing most of my money. Then loosing money I don't have," he appointed at his leg and I noticed a walking stick. "Got my leg broken, and that's when he started paying for my debts out of his pocket so I won't get my neck broken the next time. By the time he left he finally had taken a second mortgaged on his house."

"You can still change."

"Perhaps. I can start over, but have you seen me? I smell of cat piss."

"You noticed that?"

"It doesn't bother me anymore."

"I might be able to get you an interview, a suit, and a clean room to shower."

He looked up at me, "I don't think government work would suit me." He joked.

"Nah. I know someone who takes interest in cases like this."

"That blond boyfriend of yours?"

"Leave it to me."

As I was leaving, I saw Kevin walking on the opposite street. He didn't see me back and we didn't interact, but it reminded me of him. I hate the fact that everything around me now is routing against Naruto.


	37. Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday, September 28, 2012

Miraculously, Sai convinced me to sign up for a pole/strip dancing class on Saturday. Apparently, "it will make me feel sexy". I agreed. Here goes nothing, right? Can people I die of public embarrassment? I hope not.

Naruto said he'd go with me. I guess he has taken our last conversation to heart. I'm somewhat more nervous and self conscious about dancing in front of Naruto. The idea if those wide deep blue eyes fixed on me... Well, it is sexy in an uncomfortable way. People can dancer with boners, I hope.

4:00 PM

I tried practicing alone in front of the mirror (without an erection) only to be interrupted by Itachi and his man standing at the door staring at me.

"What was that?" Yahiko opened his mouth to speak before Itachi squeezed his hand visibly.

"You are very good at dancing, Sasuke," Itachi lied. I could tell from how he gulped right afterwards.

Then his boyfriend leaned against him and whispered, "be honest with him. You can't let him dance like that in public."

Itachi whispered back. "He is not too bad. It is just not his forte."

"It looked like he was having a seizure," he looked away from me still whispering.

"I can hear you," I finally spoke.

"If it makes you feel any better; your brother can't dance either," Yahiko smiled reassuringly.

"You love it when I strip dance for you," Itachi gave him a strange look.

"I like you and the striping part."

Then I saw Itachi pout. I have never seen Itachi pout in my life. Not even as a small child. Then Yahiko leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I like you," he repeated.

"How bad was it? From one to ten?" I asked, my blush finally fading away.

"Well, depends on how drunk are the ones watching you," Yahiko added.

"No one will be drunk. It's a class."

"Oh…"

"Sasuke, no one expects you to be able to dance. If you knew, you wouldn't be going to the class after all."

"Sai said I looked good dancing when I was with them."

"Was he drunk?"

"You have a point there…"

6:00 PM

I called Sai and told him I can't go to the class. He told me I should let go and enjoy myself. I then insisted that I am not the kind of person who enjoys looking silly, then he sent me a video of both of us dancing together from that day I got drunk. We both looked silly (and too drunk to be allowed in public). I replied to the photo saying:

"That supposed to change my mind how?"

He replied: "I'm silly too."

"Again, how is that supposed to change my mind?"

"Nothing bad happened. We had a fun night! What's wrong with being silly with your friends? What's wrong is not letting go and ending up missing all the fun. Plus, you won't have a hang over this time."

He had a point. Worst-case scenario, I make a fool out of myself, and get a laugh out of it later. Maybe I should learn to laugh it off… I can't though. Not me.

"Can't go," I sent him back.

"Fine. Do you want to go do something else?"

"You go to the class."

"But then we won't hang out and the guys were already excited about meeting you again."

"You were looking forward to it."

"It's there every Saturday. We won't be missing much. Bar hopping again?"

I couldn't just say No bluntly, so I just suggested something else, "Star bucks?"

"At night?"

"Apple bees?"

"Sasuke, I love you, but seriously…"

"I don't know many hang outs."

"I know a comedy club?"

"Ok, I'm in."

"Wait, I just found this thing online. We can be extras in a movie. That would be awesome."

"I like the comedy club idea," I wrote.

"Or we can make out own youtube parody video."

"I'm in as long as it includes me sitting there passively," I sighed. The ideas were getting worse.

"Strip club?!"

"Sai, are you reading what I'm sending?"

"Yeah. I'm reading this article and it has awesome ideas. Lets go around talking like borat the whole day."

"Lets just go to the class," I gave up.

"So many ideas! How about we kiss a stranger or wear a free hugs sign?"

"I've totally lost you. Didn't I?"

"Get Ja-Cozy In The Jacuzzi! Lets!"

"I'm going to study now."

"Crash A Wedding?"

I turned my mobile settings to silent since the alert sound was starting to get on my nerve. Having friends is harder than I thought it would be. I can't just sit at home and be confortable, at least not every Saturday. I have to be forced out of my comfort zone repeatedly.

The meeting with Kalashi today was interesting as usual. I told him about the Sai incident, and he seemed rather amused. He told me that it will teach me how to compromise, and it's fine as long as I'm not the only one compromising. It honestly felt like a conversation about marriage rather than a conversation about new friends.

On another note, I noticed he has a tattoo under his sleeve. I only saw the tip of it. I think it said Yamato. So I decided to ask him about it.

"You got a tattoo?"

He looked shocked and touched his arm as if trying to hide it. "You saw it."

"It is not bad I guess. How long has it been since you got it?"

"A couple of years."

"Never thought of you as the guy who would have a guy's name tattooed on your arm."

"Gay marriage wasn't allowed back then so it was sort of my idea for sharing a bond forever."

"Then why do you hide it?"

"Well, because some of my patients would like their therapist to appear… trustworthy, and apparently tattoos don't give that aura. Plus, now I have this ring," he raised his hand up to show me.

"When did you come out?"

He gave me a long look before he stated, "16, but you are not the therapist in the room."

"I would a good therapist," I blurted jokingly.

"You would."

"I was joking. I would make a terrible therapist. I don't even know my feelings, how am I supposed to have insight about others."

"You are just not invested enough in anything outside yourself," he smiled.

I couldn't figure out if that was a point he was making or an insult. Then he continued, "But the more connections you make, the better you will be at feelings for others. You didn't know about Itachi's past and you couldn't see the signs, but since you started getting interested in his life, you have noticed more."

"I have been seeing a whole other side of him…"

"You just have to take interest in the lives of others."

"Is that why you are doing it? You are interested in the lives of your patients?"

He then explained that we all have dark moments, moments of weakness, moments when right and wrong seem to switch places in our minds… and then he told me that people their for people through that time to see them through was very full filling for him. Especially when he gets to charge us a fortune for it (he joked).

So anyway, after I agreed to start paying more interest to the lives of others, he commented that he had been noticing that I don't mention Naruto as much in the sessions anymore. He asked me if something new had happened with us. New things did happen, but it seems that everything doesn't seem as disastrous anymore. I still love him, but I have been… I don't know how to put in words. Basically, I've been disappointed enough for me to get used to it (somewhat). Like, I have discovered he still talks to Sakura, yesterday. I saw messages between them on his mobile (I wasn't snooping… or maybe I was). They are nothing romantic or anything that would qualify as cheating, but I am disappointed he didn't tell me. I deserve to know.


	38. Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Good news is, Naruto told me about his contact with Sakura on his own, before I even brought it up. She is doing better. I'm not happy about them talking, but at least I know nothing is going on if he feels comfortable telling me about it so casually.

As for the bad news… There aren't any. Which means that it is only time till some thing gets screwed up. Sooner or later… Sooner or later. I'm a pessimist.

Naruto hanged out with me at Itachi's place today. I could tell Itachi doesn't like him much, but he hid it well. I wasn't upset with Naruto for once thought. He was being honest for once, and we had fun on Saturday too, so I was still giddy from that.

Speaking of Saturday, we went to the class after all. Sai did manage to combine all the other idea he read into it though. For one, he pretended to speak all Borat through out, and even asked the instructor if he wanted to make some sexy time with him. For a second there, I thought the man was going to throw us out on our asses, but he chuckled and told he'll need to wait till after the class ends.

Obviously, Naruto couldn't handle Sai getting all the attention, and began to impersonalize some outrageous characters, (all of which wanted to do naughty things to me).

I did not impersonalize anyone though. I was busy stomping on their feet as I danced, and falling on my face. I was, however, the object of Naruto's desire when he began to sing Baby got back. I died of shame… and I still slap myself every time I remember.

After the class, we went out for dinner at a comedy club. The food… I don't want to remember the food. But Sai did pull some strings (I'm figuring he blew someone important at the club) and got Daisuke to do a bit. He was actually not bad, regardless of the fact that he punctuated his sentences with the F word… and the fact that he spent five minute talking about rimming and most of the guys there were straight. I guess he is Sai's friend after all. Obviously, one of the audiences blurted out a loud insult, so Daisuke replied back with a burn.

After the show, the guy and his friends chased us down the street. I swear to god one of them looked like he was cut out of a WWE smack down poster. We ended up running into the first gay bar we saw, to Sai's pleasure. He reminded me of when Scrat from ice age would see an acorn. Nothing can stand between him and a guy he likes.

Then Naruto and Sai taped a video about how to pick up guys at the bar (Naruto was the wing man, and Sai was the "picker-up"). I was the one taking the video using my mobile phone (which gave me an excuse not to drink). I hated the fact that a lot of guys seemed interested in Naruto. I should've guessed since he is much hotter than Sai, but I managed not to take it too seriously. I did however shove myself between him and a guy on more than one occasion.

Then we went back to Naruto's room (Sai went back to his with a guy too, after he suggested a foursome which I turned down to his dismay). It was fun. I had never had sex with Naruto drunk before. He wasn't as focused as he usually is, and did a few weird things (he tried to tickle my feet, seriously?!). It was nice over all, although I found my boxers stuck to the ceiling in the morning. I don't know how they got there. Perhaps Naruto did something after I had gone to sleep.

Anyway, I'm on my way out right now. Hopefully the night with Itachi and his friends won't be as crazy. I have a quiz tomorrow, and I would prefer if I didn't fail it. I think I'd be alright though, as long as I don't over drink (and I'm guessing Itachi would never allow that). I hope Kevin doesn't come. I don't want it to be awkward. But I also want to make sure he is doing well.

Almost forgot to mention, I told Naruto about the homeless man and he agreed to help me find him a job. Naruto told me thought that his dad would never hire someone at his company as long as they are serious workers and eager to learn. I will go down during the week to find him a good suit and help me get ready for the interview. On this note, I have noticed that some of my credit cards don't work anymore. I guess my dad is really easing me into his "cut off" plan. I have to start regulating my spending or my savings will be exhausted soon. Maybe I need to get a job too.


	39. Saturday, October 6, 2012

Saturday, October 6, 2012

As I was getting out my journal today, I realized that I've entered any logs since last Sunday. It is not that nothing new happened… I guess it's the total opposite. So many things have been going on, but it seems like I never have the time or the need to use my journal anymore. When I first started it, it was sort of my only friend. In fact it was my only place to vent. Yet, now, I have others around me to vent to. Itachi, Naruto, Sai, Asuma, Nagato, and Kakashi… they are my new journal. I don't feel so lonely anymore. Perhaps a little overwhelmed.

Itachi surprised me today and announced that he talked to dad about me working at his office. Then he asked me if I would be up to it. As if not being up to it was an option?! He knows quite well that if dad suggested it, it expects me to do it (especially after the sudden suspect ion of my accounts). Anyway I told him fine. I don't like it. I didn't plan to work with him, but fine. At least he'll allow me to choose my hours if I tell him I need to study. Did I mention dad hasn't called me since I left the house? He even pretends as if the whole thing with Naruto never happened. Anyway, I start Monday.

On another note, Naruto sort of tagged along with me as I hanged out with Itachi's friend last Saturday. I was worried at first incase Kevin was there, but Naruto seemed to be fine around him. He was overly touchy feely though as if he was trying to prove to Kevin that I was his property now. That's Naruto. What else did I expect from Naruto?! Kevin handled it fine, but I got the feeling that he kept eyeing me whenever I wasn't looking his direction. Perhaps it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Still the way Naruto acted made me feel as if he doesn't take me for granted. Not sure if it is true though. He is hot and cold. He is honest and shady. He is mysterious yet such an open book. I don't know what the future might carry for us.

After the dinner, Naruto stayed over. I didn't want to do anything with Itachi around but he kept kissing my neck... I just couldn't resist. Very naughty. And then we did a role play scene which we had to keep quite (like Romeo and Juliet but with an English nobility war theme that was led astray towards the end, and somehow aliens got included).

Last Monday, I spent all day helping Asuma clean up. I don't know why I did it, or why he did it, but at one point I helped him shave his chest. Naruto was there so it wasn't sexual (as if it could ever be sexual?!). I gave him a make over (thank God Sai wasn't there or else he would have turned him into a gigolo turning tricks by the end of the day).

The interview went fine. They haven't called him back yet, but Naruto told me his dad was on it, and that if he got the job, he should be contacted next week (I bought him the cheapest mobile I could find). I hope they accept him. I can't afford to keep paying for his motel room. My funds are running low. I've never felt poor in my life before... Until now. I had thought I would last longer on my savings but the tuition did take a bug chunk out of it. I can ask Itachi... Or even Naruto for help, but I won't. I need to depend on myself.

Last Tuesday, I went with Sai and Naruto on a double date. It ended up being a date with Naruto after Sai dragged the guy into the bathroom. It seems all the sex he has is in the bathroom for some reason. I called him the next day. I was anxious about opening up to him about my worries at first, but I thought I should do the right thing. Obviously, Sai is not the type to get easily offended, but I was about to trod on a sensitive subject. I told him I think he should be more careful about who he is spending the nights with. He didn't seem upset. He told me he always uses protection, and then I explained that it is more than just that. He might go home from a bar with some guy that would turn out to be violent or something. He told me I shouldn't worry about him, and that I should worry about the other guy instead.

Anyway on Thursday, I was returning some of the clothes I bought with Sai (I was cutting it pretty close to the last day I could get a refund). I saw Sakura shopping. She was alone this time. She tossed her hair in the hair the second she saw me and began stomping away as if I was... her mortal nemesis?

I called out to her (stupid me!). I was probably the last person she wanted to see or talk to, but I called out to her anyway. I know Shikamaru had told me not to apologize, but I had to make sure she was alright. I know if our places were switched, I would seriously hate her. Anyhow, it was probably the wrong move.

"What do you want?" Her hands were fixed on her hips.

"Do you need help with your bags?"

She stared at me for a second as if I confused her. "Why would you want to help me? You're not feeling guilty. Or are you?"

"They look really heavy."

She tossed all of them at my face. "Fine, carry them!"

I bottled in all my anger. I shouldn't heave them back at her face. First of all, she is a girl. Second of all, I just had her ex-boyfriend inside of me yesterday. I tried to convince myself.

I picked up the plastic bags, and began following her. "Where to?"

"Tired already?" Then she turned around and eyed me. "You look like a girl. No wonder you confused Naruto about his sexuality. You even have the stamina of a girl."

I wanted to shout back at her, _you look like a pink didlo_. Obviously, I am not very good at insults, so I am thankful I kept my words to myself. "I have plenty of stamina." _Especially when I'm riding his dick, _I continued internally.

"Fine. I want to go to the store up there," she pointed at forgotten store three floors up, across the street. She was just trying to tire me out.

"Will that make you feel better?"

"Yes."

I didn't expect that answer.

"He didn't cheat on you with me."

"But if he hadn't met you, he would still be with me. You gave him an ultimatum, right?"

"You deserve to be with someone who doesn't have feelings for someone else."

"I was happy. You took that from me."

"I'm sorry if I did."

"Anyway, it won't be long before you two break up."

"My relationship with him is not that feeble."

"Are you sure you can keep up with Naruto?"

I stopped walking, "Yes."

"You're lying to me or to yourself? You don't know half of what I know about Naruto. He has to censor himself around you. He has to pull himself back. At one point, Naruto will not be able to, and you'll see the Naruto I know full on. You signed up for that."

I frowned. What the hell did she know about Naruto?! Well, probably more than me. But I didn't understand what she was hinting at. I wanted to ask her, but that would have as well been an admission of my concerns about my relationship with him.

"You don't know me either. I love Naruto enough to-"

"You know what. You are right. You don't have a life outside of Naruto. You're life revolved around him. It will be easier for you to put your life on hold for him, when he is the best thing you'll ever have."

She then began gritting her teeth, "For years, I was happy being the support character to the main star if the series. I was okay following him and waiting there until he went on his own journeys. I was okay. I knew he might disappear for a while, but I'm the one he'll come back to eventually. I was okay skipping exams because he wanted to talk, or go running with him in the middle of the night 'cause he just couldn't stand staying still. I had to learn to sleep with the lights on, because he stays up most nights writing and doing stuff. Because he doesn't shut down, I couldn't shut down either. It's exhausting, but it was fine. 'Cause I knew he was mine. He my life. But he is not mine anymore, because he suddenly wants to fuck guys. Do you know how this feels? When you stop having a life? I might not make sense to you know, but knowing Naruto; it's only a matter of time till you get it."

She then dashed towards me, snapped the bags out of my hand, and stormed away. I just stood like a stunned idiot trying to make sense of everything she had said.

I called Sai afterwards to ask him. I told him about what had happened. He told me not to worry but it seemed that he was hiding something. Naruto was his friend first after all. When I pushed him a little, he told me that Naruto has the habit of being the center of things. As if this was news! Yes, Naruto loves being the center of attention. Sai then told me that it is easy to disappear around Naruto.

"What do you mean?"

He then kept stuttered being saying, "All the planets revolve around the sun, and life on these planets depend on it. They get too close they burn. They get too far they freeze. If the sun disappears they start to die. But the Sun doesn't change location or disappear."

"Sai, I don't get what you are saying. Why are you speaking in riddles?"

"Naruto is like the sun, except for the fact that he is a human so he is not always constant."

"More riddles."

"I'm just saying that Naruto is really good for you as long as you don't make him the center of your existence. You are the center of your existence."

I talked to Kakashi about it yesterday, but I only got more freaking riddles. Why can't people speak normally? I think I should talk to Asuma. He is always direct.


	40. Sunday, October 7, 2012

Sunday, October 7, 2012

I spent all day shopping for Naruto's birthday gift, but I still couldn't find something that clicked. I asked Itachi what he thought I should get Naruto and he gave me a list of suggestions. They were all great but just not what I imagine Naruto liking. So I went on to ask Asuma and he kept suggesting different types of food (I guess being homeless does make food a much bigger deal). And although I think Naruto does like food more than everyone else I know (except for his friend Chouji), I don't think ramen would make the perfect birthday present.

As for Sai and Kakashi… They are perverts!

Kakashi suggested I surprise him in his dorm room covered in whipped cream and with a… I can't even write it down. How does his mind come up with these ideas?! And how the fuck can a therapist tell that to a patient?! Never mind. I do think Naruto would have liked that gift, but I don't have enough courage to try it out.

Sai suggested a threesome (with him of course), and then began to describe it, and suddenly it turned into a 5-way gang bang with Anderson Cooper. I am starting to believe Sai should go to some meetings for Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Anyway, I am thinking I should go out with him the day before his birthday so I have him all to myself. First buy him a ramen dinner (not too expensive because I'm running out of money), give him some sort of gift (I'm thinking an orange shirt), and then take him home and let him do that thing to me that he always begs for and I always refuse. I just hope it doesn't become a habit.

6:00 PM

I did the mistake of asking Naruto if he wanted something specific for his birthday. He wants me to tattoo N on my ass cheek. He said it jokingly, but Naruto says everything jokingly at first to test waters. I can't tattoo his fucking name on my ass. I'd feel like a tree after a dog pees on it to mark his territory! And it's permanent. But can I refuse without making it seem that I don't want anything permanent because I think we are not going to last? I already told him I want a tattoo, so he knows it's not about the concept of the tattoo itself but about the "N".

I am thinking about asking Itachi for his opinion but I can just guess what he would say…


	41. Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

It's 11:00 am and I already want to shoot myself. It is linguistically impossible how painful it is to work with my father. On the good side, I'm making some money so I can afford double layered toilet paper again. On the bad side, everything sucks.

He asked me for a report yesterday on the online marketing of his campaign. I prepared it perfectly. I mean PERFECTLY, and I'm not being biased. I showed it to Itachi first and took his pointers, edited a couple of times afterwards until it was seamless. I knew dad would try to put me down so I didn't want to give him and excuse. Then, I sent it to him. He hasn't replied yet. He is not even busy! He spent thirty minutes deciding what dressing to take with his salad, but not 1 freaking minute reading the report his son wrote for him. He wanted it! He said he'll read it personally! So what? Is he just faking interest in me?

I'm too upset to write. My hand is shaking. That's not even the only thing that is upsetting me. I kept non-stop today until another intern came to my desk to chat. One second later, dad walks by and makes a snotty comment about how I should stop fooling around and start working, and that I shouldn't expect any privileged treatment. I want to talk to Itachi about it, but he is busy (Note that he, the busy one, managed to read my report twice).

Plus, now that I see my dad working up close, I'm pretty sure my brother is the governor. He might as well be. Everyone is always going to him for decisions. So my dad is the pretty face and Itachi is the brain? Dad is not even pretty, or handsome. He got his looks from his mom, who great-grandmother usually called an ape (not in her presence, obviously).

On another note, tomorrow is Naruto's birthday. So, I'm going out with him tonight to have him all to myself. I've made the reservations and bought the shirt (I hate it, but I'm sure he'll like it). Still, I haven't told him I'm not going to get the Tattoo. I'm not going to bring up the topic. Hopefully he would have forgotten all about it.

11:00 PM

I can't believe I'm writing this on a closed the toilet seat. My ass hurts, and he is relentless. Its okay I guess; he is letting go of his restraints for one night. Usually he'd be gentler and he'd watch for me more, but since it's his birthday… Point is, my ass hurts. And that thing Naruto likes and I thought I would hate… I did hate. I'm sorry I'm just not that kinky! At least not in _that _particular way.

He also bit my butt cheek. He said that since I'm going to pretend to forget about the tattoo, he is going to "mark" me in a different way. So, the tattoo was meant as an ownership deed, I guess.

So, I decided two could play that game. I told him that I would only "consider" getting a tattoo if he gets a tattoo of my name first. Then it back fired and he said yes, so I told him "on your face?" Then he gave me the 'are you serious' look. Then I distracted him with the ramen left overs so I could have enough time to go hide in the bathroom and rest my ass.

Almost forgot. I've talked to Sai about getting a boyfriend yesterday. Honestly, what I wanted to say was that he was having too much sex, that I think he might be compulsive. But I couldn't possibly say that without offending him, so instead I asked, "Don't you want a boyfriend? _One _guy to go back to at the end of the day?"

He didn't seem to get the hint. "Want? I don't have strong feelings about it."

"Have you been in a relationship before?"

"A lot."

"Serious ones?"

"Define Serious?"

"Long term."

"So short term relationships can't be serious?"

"You are saying you didn't have a long term relationship, but short serious ones instead?"

"I'm saying I did have a long relationship but I don't think it was more serious than my short ones. Just harder to get over. I loved his dick. Let me describe it for y-"

"I'm good. Thank you."

"Fine. But it was really thick though."

"So you never get the urge to be with just one person you cherish more than anyone or anything?"

"When you use these words, I worry."

"What words?"

"Cherish more than anyone and anything. Didn't I tell you; you should be careful and not do that. I remember. I gave you a whole speech about the sun."

"It was a cryptic speech, but we are talking about you now. Not me. You."

"Sure. I wouldn't say no to being in love. But it comes with baggage as well."

"Like?"

"I won't have sex with anyone else… at least without him there. I would go for a threesome actually. I wouldn't mind that."

"Speaking of that-"

"Yes. I would have a threesome with you and Naruto. Gladly."

I stared at him for a second, before sighing, "Moving on. Yes, committing to just one person is difficult, but once you love someone, you wouldn't want to go around touching others."

"You've lost me."

"I said-"

"I know what you said, grammar and vocabulary wise, but… Sasuke, we are not in a fairy tale. People cheat not because they stopped loving the other person."

"It is not about sex either."

"It is. Cheating is not about sex?!" He raised both eyebrows. I'd never seen Sai so zealous and expressive until that moment. "What is it about then?"

"Many things. Trying to compensate for something you lack or something your partner lacks. Even revenge. Trying to feel young again."

"So they don't enjoy the sex?"

"They probably do, but-"

"Everything we do is because of sex," Sai stressed the last word as if sex was the ultimate truth. I immediately started thinking the situation might be a little more problematic that I already considered.

"I don't think so."

"Think about it. Every thing we do, is to survive-"

Naruto is knocking on the door. My poor ass. I have to go to him.


	42. Saturday, November 3, 2012

Saturday, November 3, 2012

It has been three weeks since in last wrote in my journal, but somehow it feels like a lifetime. A lot has happened since then. I feel like a different person too. I'm sure I'm not, at least not utterly different, but I still feel like a few parts of me have sort of been buried.

At first I hated working with (or "for" as he constantly reminds me) my dad. I still do, but he listens to what I say more now. Two weeks they were talking strategy for the election campaign, and I spoke up in the meeting. Usually interns don't have enough guts too, especially that my father has the habit to put people down harshly, but I thought 'what the fuck do I have to loose' and 'I've seen the worse of him before'. So, I spoke up, and his advisors were like "Your son has a talent for this". He didn't look very impressed himself, but Itachi later told me that he was. Since then he has been writing off my opinions completely (just about 67% or so).

Itachi got THE ring! Actually he was the one to propose. It was very romantic. I never thought I would hear Itachi say "I love you" to a guy, or kneel, but I did and it was amazing. It was the real deal; a candle light dinner, fancy food, and soft music to go with his little speech.

I was a third wheel though. I was supposed to be at Sai's, but he hooked up with some guy once again, so I returned home early. I don't think Itachi noticed I was there. I tried to take cover too. After all, I didn't want to be the little brother who drops in and ruins the proposal. In retrospect, I should've told him I was there and saved myself the two hours of sex sounds and moaning. The sick thing was, I got turned on. I was so freaked out, I had to sneak out of his place in the morning, and head directly for Kakashi. I sort of dropped by his place since it was a little too early for him to go to the office. I knocked on the door a couple of times (or a hundred), and he opened Shirtless, sweating, panting, and with a hickey on his neck.

"Fuck! Is everyone having sex?!"

He stared at me for a few seconds, trying to guilt me into leaving. I thought 'no chance in hell'. He shouldn't have listed his home address if he didn't want his therapy patients drops by. He should know better, most of them are stalker- Okay, I just realized what I wrote down. Do I have some stalker tendencies?! Anyway, he asked me, "Sasuke, what are you doing here?"

"It's an emergency."

"We can discuss it during your session next time."

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"We have to keep some boundaries, and since your break up, you have been-"

"Again with my break up. It is not a big deal! It is not like I cry myself to sleep."

He sighed, "What's the emergency?"

"Itachi proposed."

"Great. Tell him congrats from me."

"I wasn't supposed to be there, so I hid, and heard them… and I got turned on."

He rubbed his face, "This needs years of therapy, Sasuke. I can't do this on my door step."

"Aren't you coming back to bed?" A heard a voice coming from inside the house.

"I've something to attend to. We're going to talk about this later," he told me.

"Fine, you're a horrible therapist."

"Thank you."

I pouted for an hour, before calling Sai and telling him all about it. But Sai being Sai thought it was okay, and confessed that he 'has thought about my brother and I a lot like that'. I hoped he meant in two different fantasies, but No! He made it clear that we were both a part of the same fantasy.

Anyway, I talked to Asuma. He has been busy lately trying to prove himself in his new job, but I caught him right before he arrived at work. He told me that I shouldn't let it bother me, and it's because I was used to daily sex and now I haven't been getting it recently. He also sort of criticized me for being in denial about how broken up I am about separating with Naruto. He said I shouldn't feel bad about losing that jerk, but I should be honest if I am.

I'm not feeling bad! I don't care about it at all! I don't even care about it enough to write it in my journal. So what if I don't sleep with my head on Naruto's shoulder anymore? I sleep better now! He was too noisy and had that weird murmuring sound going on! It was horrible. It kept me up at night. Actually… It was a little adorable. I didn't hate it. But if I turn the volume of my ipod really down, it sorts of sounds like him. Not that I do that. I do that.

I don't want to think about it anymore…


	43. Monday, December 31, 2012

**Monday, December 31, 2012**

I didn't think I would be writing in this journal again. Actually, I almost forgot about it. It has been long, in events too. I guess the first thing worth mentioning, I did some things I am not so proud of. For instance, I broke with Naruto ,which I don't regret, then I egged him very publicly. On the bright side of things, my dad got a lot of publicity out of it. Warranted, it was all negative. I probably shouldn't seen ahead how the media was going to portray me; the crazy son, and employee, of the governor who egged an activist demonstrating against his father with pieces of hard boiled eggs from a foot long and Caesar salad with extra dressing, who also happens to have been doing him a couple of weeks earlier in a photo. Regardless how you look at it, I'm whacked. But give me a break, he fucks his ex and then had the face to come demonstrate in front of my office about how politicians are pigs! Fuck him, right?!

Granted, my dad was ashamed if me for the longest time, actually he still is. I apologized to the media and to the people, but he still accuses me of costing him the reelection. Maybe it is not an accusation... We still have a few months left before the reelection. We are not on speaking terms.

Itachi stood by me. But not quite. I didn't expect him to. Politics is his life too and I put a pretty big dent into his family name. He was nice to me in person, but I could always tell when he is angry and frustrated with me. Kakashi said I should give him time to move past it.

Kakashi gave me some meds to take. Not because of that event in particular, but because of others things. He didn't want to give it a label, I guess because he didn't want me to label myself as actually having a mental disorder, but he told me that both my feelings and reactions tend to be exaggerated, and that I currently don't have the ability to regulate myself. I think about not taking the pills a lot, they make me feel... Dull? I don't like the other side effects either. But I don't think I will any time soon.

Speaking of Kakashi and unstable behavior, I am glad he didn't give up on me or refer another therapist. I popped up at his door step a couple of times, once drunk and... I still have to return the pants he loaned me.

I really appreciate Sai too. During the time lapse between the break up and the egg attack, he introduced me to many gay bars... Apparently, I'm hot?! Guys hit on me all the time, although I suspect it was the clothes Sai choose for me, and the fact that I was always drunk enough to look easy. Apparently I'm also a horny drunk. He stopped taking me to bars recently. He said he wants me to start moving on and adjusting rather than just distracting myself. He said he was sorry that he was teaching me his way of copping, and that it wouldn't work for me. He told me it is hard to keep himself under control, and as for me, I would probably spiral if I went on drinking and clubbing.

He stopped talking to Naruto when I told him what had happened. Sometimes, I think he didn't want to lose Naruto. Of course he didn't. I think he loves Naruto a lot, but he didn't want me to be alone. I think he decided on taking my side because Naruto has many others to go back to, but I don't. How many people can I call my friends anyway? Itachi is my brother so he doesn't count, and Kakashi doesn't either. So Asuma and him. I only have Asuma and Sai. If Naruto's father was a biased person, I wouldn't lost Asuma too. Thankfully, he can still work for the corporation and be my friend.

I went off topic… The reason I'm writing in this journal today is because I haven't been able to get it out of my mind through out last week. When I first started my relationship with Naruto, he wrote something in it and he told me to wait until new year's eve to read it. And even thought I know I should move on and not care, I am still hung up. Maybe reading his message will be like dotting the letters, maybe it will give me some insight or some closure.

I'm resisting the urge to read it right now. There are a few hours left to go, and it's like the message is holding me captive. So, I think I'll go somewhere, and when the ball drops I will be there reading it (while everyone else kisses).

It just occurred to me that I'm pathetic. I'm reading a message from my cheater ex-boyfriend as others suck face! Never mind.

I really wish I was enough for Naruto, but come to think of it, Naruto is too much for one person, how can one person ever be enough for him? He just different. We all have 24 hours in our day, he has 72.


	44. Tuesday, January 1, 2013

**Tuesday, January 1, 2013**

As I was unfolding the page, Naruto called as if on cue.

"I told you to stop calling," I huffed, thinking that I'm the one who should probably stop answering.

"Happy New Year," I can tell from his voice that he's a little drunk. Not too much though, his words were still very coherent.

"Perhaps if you leave me alone it's going to be happy."

"Sasuke-chan, can you stop being angry at me for just one second and let me explain?"

"Oh, I think your last explanation was enough. 'Sasuke, you're always the one saying some things don't need a reason'."

"I-I didn't say it like that," he stuttered. "And I was confused. You caught me off guard."

"Sorry, I should've warned you before catching you in the act."

He sighed and I heard him gulp something down.

"Don't drunk dial me."

"I'm not drunk or wasted, I just wanted something to give me some courage to call you."

"You didn't need anything to give you the courage the last twenty times."

"I'm sorry for what I did."

"No you're not. I should've known better. You told me with your own lips how you made out with my brother while you were in a relationship with Sakura."

"She was there. She wanted me to."

"Was she there every time you made out with a different guy or girl?"

He paused, "I wasn't trying to cheat-"

"You weren't trying to cheat. You _were _cheating!" I interrupted, so he raised his voice and tried to force his point on me.

"It was just a slur of the moment fun thing, and I never did anything more than kiss them. Why are you blaming me for something that happened while I was with Sakura?"

"Because you're a cheater and you cheated on me!"

"I didn't sleep with her. I told you a million times!"

"Well maybe you didn't put your dick on her, but I saw you on top of her sucking-"

"I know what you saw!"

"If you know what I saw then why the hell do you think you didn't cheat?! How would've felt if I was the one humping my ex?! Is it that normal for you that you don't think it's wrong anymore?! It is, isn't it? I should've known. I was the 'other guy' once after all."

He didn't respond. I thought he hung up.

"Naruto?"

"Yes."

I took a deep breath, wondering why he wasn't replying, but then he spoke again. "I would've been really upset if it was you," he admitted.

"You lied to me to. You told me you weren't talking to her and then there you were with her."

"I didn't talk to her. Not until that night."

"She was drunk and the fucking guy was taking advantage of her, what was I supposed to do?"

"Leave the party. She wasn't your girlfriend anymore. If she was going to get drunk and sleep with random guys, it's not your business."

"It is not that easy."

"How is it not easy?!"

"Just because I fell in love with you doesn't mean I stopped caring about her."

Suddenly, I didn't find words to say. Was he saying he was still in love with her? How was this explanation supposed to make me forgive him? Was he calling to pour salt on my wounds? "I see."

"I just wanted to wait with her until she got a little sober."

"You got jealous."

"No Sasuke."

"Yes, you got jealous she was with another guy, and you wanted her back, so instead of putting her in a taxi and sending her home, you just waited with her alone in a stranger's bed room. You wanted to test if she was really over you. She wasn't. Did it make you feel better?"

"…"

"You can't stand it when you're not the center of everyone's thoughts. Your father, your friends, Sakura, me."

"Sasuke…"

"You know you called me when I was about to read the message you left in my journal. I thought it would give me closure. But know I know it only means you are still in my thoughts. Naruto," I tear the page out of the journal. "I don't need a piece of paper to make me stop thinking about you. You don't deserve to be the focus of my attention anymore. That should be enough. I'm not the lonely easy prey anymore. I have friends and family, and that care about me. I'm not going to put you ahead of them anymore."

"Just please-"

"And as a thank you for the life lesson, Naruto," I tore the page in two and then in four. "I will give you one too; I'm never going to think about you again, and you'll have to learn to live knowing that you are _nothing_ to someone," I bit my lip.

"I never thought you were the vengeful type…" He spoke softly, a little broken. "You're just angry."

"I need to care first to be vengeful. Bye."

I could hear his breath hitch as if he was about to say something, but I hung up.

I shouldn't care about what knowing what he had to say. I can't let him have this hold on me. Perhaps it's the meds that pump through my veins that gave me power to resist. Perhaps I'll spiral once they're out of my system… But I know for now, I should put ahead the people who actually love and care about me. I don't regret being with Naruto. I needed him to know who I am. I'm not going to belittle myself anymore or let it depend on or dictate whom I am with; when there are so many others I could be happy with. Others that I could make happy back.

I once watched a movie and the narrator wondered why people love people who hurt them. I think I know the answer now. I think I'll stop pretend living inside my head bound by all my insecurities, and actually start living. I'll talk to my friends instead of my diary. I'll move on instead of stead of willowing. This _should_ be my New Year resolution. Then perhaps I'll be able to find someone like Kevin who ready to love, and be able to love him back for the right reasons.

I'll go call Sai now.


End file.
